I hear this routinely. "You think that ADHD means that you don't have to take responsibility!" "It's just an excuse!"
Well, no. ADHD might help to explain what is going on. The ADHDer is still responsible. According to my mother, there is no such thing as a good excuse.
So what is responsibility? Let's look at it.
A friend of mine complained that her ADHD hubby couldn't load the dishwasher properly. She was frustrated because she had told him repeatedly how to do it. One day the light went on for her and she took a picture of the dishwasher properly loaded. Problem solved.
So who owned the problem and who owned the responsibility?
She owned the problem. He was trying to do the right thing but, because of ADHD, couldn't be successful. She solved the problem by giving him a "map" for success. He took that additional information- that he was able to use- and followed through. Net result? She owned her responsibility and gave him a path to success. He owned his responsibility by continuing to try, and ultimately being successful.
Here's a tougher one, taken from the pages of Tom Brokaw's "The Greatest Generation" One of the people he profiled stuck his head up a bit too far in his foxhole. He was shot cleanly through the brain, resulting in the loss of his sight.
On his return to the States, he worked at what he COULD- accepting that there were professions that he couldn't participate in because of his blindness. Nevertheless, he found a profession that he could be very successful in.
In his interview with Mr. Brokaw, he attributed his blindness not to the misfortunes of war or Hitler or the German who fired on him. Instead, he said that he was sitting too high in his foxhole and should have been lower.
He was responsible. He accepted that.
ADHDers live with responsibility. They also live with failure. This leads, frequently, to the anxiety that we have discussed in another blog.
I was taught from way young that failure to appear on time was me telling others that they are unimportant. I have no real sense of time but developed incredible anxiety around time. If I can't be on time for something, I frequently won't go at all. I rarely accept invitations that have a time attached because I know what I'm not good at. To me, this is taking responsibility.
I am being responsible because I am not making a commitment to being wherever "on time". I don't trust that I can meet the requirement so I simply don't make the commitment.
Downside? I only commit to things I believe I can manage. The list is short and gets shorter by the day.
I'm an ADHDer. I know what I CAN and what I CAN'T do. I am responsible for knowing the difference, I am responsible for managing and communicating what I know. When I do this successfully, I can manage my anxiety.
ADHD is never a free pass. It MAY be an explanation. It is NOT an excuse.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Anxiety And You!
As I get older I find that I have to deal with anxiety more and more. The "why" of it is a point of discussion. ADHD may CAUSE anxiety due to repeated failure. The anxiety is a result of ADHD. Anxiety may also be a common co-morbid of ADHD- General Anxiety Disorder may also be an element of ADHD. Which is correct? Dunno. Don't know that I care as long as we recognize the beast for what it is and figure out what the right way to deal with it is.
I personally am incredibly sensitive to anything that manages anxiety. The common pharmaceuticals are benzodiazipenes like Valium and Atavan. These interventions often increase my anxiety. I don't use them. Keep in mind that these are reasonable and viable interventions and every person is different.
What I am left with is trying desperately to manage my anxiety that can go out of control for what may seem like no reason. Well, no reason if you don't live in my brain.
As a side note, let's look at what anxiety is.
Dictionary.com tells us that it is a feeling of unease. In another tense, it may be a compulsion to do something in an effort to complete a job correctly. While close, neither of these come close to the anxiety I'm thinking of.
When I am dealing with anxiety, it is soul-killing, destructive, and immobilizing. Fighting it off and doing the thing that is the cause of the anxiety doesn't result in empowerment, it results in more anxiety.
An example...
I want to visit my husband's grave. I know that this will require a two hour drive. I know that, right now, this means that I will have to drive through some ugly road construction in order to get to the cemetery. I know that I need to keep the things I can as familiar as possible.
So I've done everything I can to make the trip as functional as possible. I've packed the truck, checked the weather reports, have a clear sense of what I am going to do and how. I finally open the garage door, ready to back out and go- and stop. The fears that keep me from getting into the truck are multitudinous. It takes me an easy ten minutes to get into the truck.
I need to stop and get cash and top off the tank. At any point, I will turn around and go home. I get what I need and move on.
Within ten miles of home I wanted to turn around. So I made a deal with myself- I would keep going if I could set my cruise control and not have to change it.
I made it to Duluth. I was able to get to the cemetery. I was able to spend as much time there as I wanted.
Coming home I had to fight off visions of dead cats and a burned out home. That was fun.
So I'm obviously writing this post. My cats are sleeping- Callie in her kitty bed, Minou on the sofa beside me. Am I less anxious?
The sad answer is, "No".
ADHDers have to deal with anxiety every single day. It can be a massive de-motivator and it can also keep us from doing any and every thing.
The only way I know of it to test the things that make us anxious. AND to be aware of things that can't be tested.
When I couldn't manage to change my license plates- required by law every seven years in Minnesota- I was ready to sell the truck and hide in my house. While this might look like an easy solve to most, I COULDN'T solve it without help. Thankfully for me, my friends Sandy and Bob were willing to help.
I was given a ton of advice from friends. Mostly, it consisted of drive illegally until you get to someone who can fix this. What no one understood was that I could not do this. The anxiety would not let me out of the driveway. Truthfully, even letting the truck out of the garage was nearly impossible.
ADHD comes with anxiety. Think of it as a package deal. Managing it isn't easy.
I personally am incredibly sensitive to anything that manages anxiety. The common pharmaceuticals are benzodiazipenes like Valium and Atavan. These interventions often increase my anxiety. I don't use them. Keep in mind that these are reasonable and viable interventions and every person is different.
What I am left with is trying desperately to manage my anxiety that can go out of control for what may seem like no reason. Well, no reason if you don't live in my brain.
As a side note, let's look at what anxiety is.
Dictionary.com tells us that it is a feeling of unease. In another tense, it may be a compulsion to do something in an effort to complete a job correctly. While close, neither of these come close to the anxiety I'm thinking of.
When I am dealing with anxiety, it is soul-killing, destructive, and immobilizing. Fighting it off and doing the thing that is the cause of the anxiety doesn't result in empowerment, it results in more anxiety.
An example...
I want to visit my husband's grave. I know that this will require a two hour drive. I know that, right now, this means that I will have to drive through some ugly road construction in order to get to the cemetery. I know that I need to keep the things I can as familiar as possible.
So I've done everything I can to make the trip as functional as possible. I've packed the truck, checked the weather reports, have a clear sense of what I am going to do and how. I finally open the garage door, ready to back out and go- and stop. The fears that keep me from getting into the truck are multitudinous. It takes me an easy ten minutes to get into the truck.
I need to stop and get cash and top off the tank. At any point, I will turn around and go home. I get what I need and move on.
Within ten miles of home I wanted to turn around. So I made a deal with myself- I would keep going if I could set my cruise control and not have to change it.
I made it to Duluth. I was able to get to the cemetery. I was able to spend as much time there as I wanted.
Coming home I had to fight off visions of dead cats and a burned out home. That was fun.
So I'm obviously writing this post. My cats are sleeping- Callie in her kitty bed, Minou on the sofa beside me. Am I less anxious?
The sad answer is, "No".
ADHDers have to deal with anxiety every single day. It can be a massive de-motivator and it can also keep us from doing any and every thing.
The only way I know of it to test the things that make us anxious. AND to be aware of things that can't be tested.
When I couldn't manage to change my license plates- required by law every seven years in Minnesota- I was ready to sell the truck and hide in my house. While this might look like an easy solve to most, I COULDN'T solve it without help. Thankfully for me, my friends Sandy and Bob were willing to help.
I was given a ton of advice from friends. Mostly, it consisted of drive illegally until you get to someone who can fix this. What no one understood was that I could not do this. The anxiety would not let me out of the driveway. Truthfully, even letting the truck out of the garage was nearly impossible.
ADHD comes with anxiety. Think of it as a package deal. Managing it isn't easy.
Monday, July 21, 2014
What I Did For... What?
I've been told all my life to do things. Sit up straight, mind your manners, write thank you notes to imaginary(?!) family who theoretically did something for you. I was required to be perpetually thankful for things I didn't understand.
I clearly recall being at my Aunt Betty's farm and having been squashed for hours and days. I finally found a swing in a branch and wanted to be in it.
At the same time as I finally found the swing, my Uncle Gil- a very talented photographer- wanted to take pictures of my sisters and I together.
At six or seven, I had no ability to manage how I felt or how it showed.
Uncle Gil snapped photos as if I was a willing participant- I wasn't. I had to write letters of apology for about a month afterward.
From that point on, I "managed" anyone with a camera. I provided the appropriate "smile and happy" and then ran like hell. I recall having to pose for the church directory. I was done in three shots. My family? Closer to forty- and there were only seven of us. Look this way and smile? Kay. Look that way and smile? Kay. Look this other way and smile? Kay. Oh look, we're done.
Thank God.
To this day I despise pictures in any form or fashion.
If you have ADHD, you are bombarded with someone else's beliefs about who and what you are and should be. If you have ADHD you probably don't have much self esteem to guide you. This may suck.
My approach- pissing everyone off, regardless- was not functional.
What I did? Try. I gave my best. I learned to ignore negative reviews.
If you live with ADHD you get told constantly that your neurobiological differentiation doesn't exist. You're told that by people who have never looked at a swing like salvation, only to be told that it was a new prison.
I will never forget the hours I was required to write hundreds of letters of apology... for being me.
I clearly recall being at my Aunt Betty's farm and having been squashed for hours and days. I finally found a swing in a branch and wanted to be in it.
At the same time as I finally found the swing, my Uncle Gil- a very talented photographer- wanted to take pictures of my sisters and I together.
At six or seven, I had no ability to manage how I felt or how it showed.
Uncle Gil snapped photos as if I was a willing participant- I wasn't. I had to write letters of apology for about a month afterward.
From that point on, I "managed" anyone with a camera. I provided the appropriate "smile and happy" and then ran like hell. I recall having to pose for the church directory. I was done in three shots. My family? Closer to forty- and there were only seven of us. Look this way and smile? Kay. Look that way and smile? Kay. Look this other way and smile? Kay. Oh look, we're done.
Thank God.
To this day I despise pictures in any form or fashion.
If you have ADHD, you are bombarded with someone else's beliefs about who and what you are and should be. If you have ADHD you probably don't have much self esteem to guide you. This may suck.
My approach- pissing everyone off, regardless- was not functional.
What I did? Try. I gave my best. I learned to ignore negative reviews.
If you live with ADHD you get told constantly that your neurobiological differentiation doesn't exist. You're told that by people who have never looked at a swing like salvation, only to be told that it was a new prison.
I will never forget the hours I was required to write hundreds of letters of apology... for being me.
Friday, July 18, 2014
The &*$V&$#c Frustration Zone
Have ADHD? You know how damaging frustration is. It tears your insides to tiny pieces- as you watch current media minimize real frustration into a cuddly furry moment with an idiot stuffed kangaroo icon.
If you're an ADHDer, frustration is a searing pain- and anger your only defense.
To others, ADHDers look out of control. We're treated that way too. We aren't. Depending on the thing that has beat us to crap, we just need someone to understand what has tossed us off balance.
This isn't going to happen, in general. ADHDers are generally not accepted by the mainstream. WE need to control ourselves, the world that is driving us to madness is just fine.
Well sht.
Frustration can have a hundred etiologies. Many ADHDers- like me- are sensitive to sound. I recall a time that I became hugely over sensitive to the horrific noise emanating from the neighbor's townhouse. I ended up bruised all over because I couldn't deal with the sound and couldn't make it stop. Hubby thought I was being ridiculous.
He learned and that was good. My neighbors still consider abusive sound acceptable. I have learned to hide in the garage. If you read this blog, you know that my husband died in 2010. My neighbors- aware of the difficulty their noise produces, continue to be oblivious.
*sigh*
Along with sound, we can be sensitive to vibration. Things that don't "feel" right are often problematic. To our detriment, this can include railroad crossings where a blast from the conductor's horn can be jarring.
What has this all to do with frustration? Simple, really. Frustration exhibits as anger or anxiety. If you are like me, you have learned that anger is a no-no. Therefore anxiety is what is left. NOT pretty. Truthfully, quite ugly.
ADHDers live in the frustration zone way too often. While I don't have solutions, I have suggestions.
I believe in "Stuffed Animal Tossing". I participated in this while with a former contract. When I found myself wanting to KILL my business partner, I threw every stuffed animal I owned at the closest available wall. Soon, my co-workers could tell exactly who I was on the phone with based on the stuffed animal carnage.
I engage in therapeutic "China Tossing". Every thrift store or garage sale will yield cheap breakables that will cost little but will provide a balm on the soul. Simply create a safe space, don the safety glasses, and shatter stuff!
At the end, you will spend a ton of time insuring that you have cleared out the detritus of your frustration... but you will feel better than you would if you had b*tch-slapped another human being- even if you REALLY, REALLY wanted to- and they deserved it.
Living with ADHD means that most people will never understand the "busy" of your brain. Just an unfortunate fact.
Want to find others that live in your brain? Check out http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/
Friday, July 11, 2014
I Couldn't Sleep At All Last Night!
I don't remember the last time I woke up in the morning and felt that I had slept well. I don't know that it has ever happened.
My mother used to tell me that I slept less as an infant than any of her children. I would bet that I sleep less as an adult than any of my sisters.
Insomnia is a part of many ADHDer's lives. For myself and many others it is a battle fought nightly. Exhaustion isn't sufficient to overcome it, drugs are often ineffective against it. This is not helpful.
ADHDers tend to have "busy brains" that refuse to respect the need to re-charge or rest. We lay down to sleep and our brains go into overdrive. It is like being bombarded by a hundred televisions- each set to a different channel.
If you tend to anxiety, the channels are all tuned to the things that make you anxious. Have OCD? Those channels are tuned to your triggers. Depressed? Your channels attack like a thousand lions.
Anyone wonder why we have insomnia?
I don't have any good information on this one. I've tried any number of things- none that worked reliably.
What I can say is that if you have ADHD, you aren't alone in this.
In some ways, the harder challenge of chronic insomnia is the way people in your world deal with it. People who have never dealt with constant insomnia don't understand why you simply don't go to sleep. They see you exhausted and wonder why you don't take a nap. Worse, they see you nodding off and think you irresponsible for not getting a full night's sleep.
*sigh*
I don't know foolproof ways to sleep, but I do know that it isn't your fault. If you are like me, you spend a lot of time beating yourself up for not sleeping, failing to manage something that most people take pretty much for granted.
It's not your fault. It's how you are wired.
Some things that have been helpful for me include having a cup of coffee before bed, making sure that I have a sound source in the bedroom- TV, an MP3 player, white noise, and structure. Structure is going to bed every night at the same time.
That said, if you find yourself laying in bed for more than 20 minutes, get up. Find another place to be. Read the dictionary- and not online. I'm not kidding.
I survived school by being willing to read the dictionary. My Grandfather learned English by reading the dictionary. Fortunately, it tends to shut down the bust in your brain and will let you sleep.
Do I have answers? If I did, I wouldn't be going broke trying to cover up the circles under my eyes.
My mother used to tell me that I slept less as an infant than any of her children. I would bet that I sleep less as an adult than any of my sisters.
Insomnia is a part of many ADHDer's lives. For myself and many others it is a battle fought nightly. Exhaustion isn't sufficient to overcome it, drugs are often ineffective against it. This is not helpful.
ADHDers tend to have "busy brains" that refuse to respect the need to re-charge or rest. We lay down to sleep and our brains go into overdrive. It is like being bombarded by a hundred televisions- each set to a different channel.
If you tend to anxiety, the channels are all tuned to the things that make you anxious. Have OCD? Those channels are tuned to your triggers. Depressed? Your channels attack like a thousand lions.
Anyone wonder why we have insomnia?
I don't have any good information on this one. I've tried any number of things- none that worked reliably.
What I can say is that if you have ADHD, you aren't alone in this.
In some ways, the harder challenge of chronic insomnia is the way people in your world deal with it. People who have never dealt with constant insomnia don't understand why you simply don't go to sleep. They see you exhausted and wonder why you don't take a nap. Worse, they see you nodding off and think you irresponsible for not getting a full night's sleep.
*sigh*
I don't know foolproof ways to sleep, but I do know that it isn't your fault. If you are like me, you spend a lot of time beating yourself up for not sleeping, failing to manage something that most people take pretty much for granted.
It's not your fault. It's how you are wired.
Some things that have been helpful for me include having a cup of coffee before bed, making sure that I have a sound source in the bedroom- TV, an MP3 player, white noise, and structure. Structure is going to bed every night at the same time.
That said, if you find yourself laying in bed for more than 20 minutes, get up. Find another place to be. Read the dictionary- and not online. I'm not kidding.
I survived school by being willing to read the dictionary. My Grandfather learned English by reading the dictionary. Fortunately, it tends to shut down the bust in your brain and will let you sleep.
Do I have answers? If I did, I wouldn't be going broke trying to cover up the circles under my eyes.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Not a Fan of Change
I know, I know, I know. The only constant is change. *sigh*
Unfortunately, if you are an ADHDer, change is NOT your friend. Not at all.
These days, I'm terrified to watch the news. I don't want to know what new changes are headed my way. All paying attention does is make me want to hide under a rock somewhere.
Sudden change plays into my anxiety- the anxiety that is an offshoot of the ADHD in the first place. Unfortunately, we live in a world of sudden and constant change.
So now what?
If you're an ADHDer, you need structure- that you may hate- but absolutely must have. In a constantly changing world, the best defense starts at home.
Rigid structure is your friend. Pick a place for your keys and wallet and put those things there FIRST. Don't give in to messages that tell you that you will find them if you put them somewhere else, you won't.
A funny- back a few years ago I was in a contract that had me getting home after hubby. I would get home and put my purse in its corner, exchange a few pleasantries, and go upstairs to change and decompress. Hubby was the chef in our house so I generally had a good half hour before supper.
I would come back downstairs for supper and invariably, hubby and I would soon be arguing. Stupid stuff, all of it. Finally the light went on. He moved my purse.
Once we figured out what we were REALLY arguing about, we could fix the problem.
In short? If you live with a spouse and/or others, set those boundaries. I need things to be where I need them to be. When hubby was alive, we had those discussions. Since his death, I put things where I must have them and don't worry about them moving.
The places where I struggle with structure today is a sense of not caring. If I don't grocery shop on the day I have set, I can rationalize it. This proves that man is NOT a rational animal but a rationalizing animal. This doesn't work in my favor.
I think what I've learned is that even in my fifties, I have to be exceedingly careful. I need to constantly build structure and find ways that I can enforce it. The vigilance never ends.
Incidentally? If you find yourself wanting to hide under the bed because yet another thing is changing in your world, know that you are not alone. And sometimes, you may have to give in to the urge.
Want to learn more about ADHD or need support? Check out http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/
Unfortunately, if you are an ADHDer, change is NOT your friend. Not at all.
These days, I'm terrified to watch the news. I don't want to know what new changes are headed my way. All paying attention does is make me want to hide under a rock somewhere.
Sudden change plays into my anxiety- the anxiety that is an offshoot of the ADHD in the first place. Unfortunately, we live in a world of sudden and constant change.
So now what?
If you're an ADHDer, you need structure- that you may hate- but absolutely must have. In a constantly changing world, the best defense starts at home.
Rigid structure is your friend. Pick a place for your keys and wallet and put those things there FIRST. Don't give in to messages that tell you that you will find them if you put them somewhere else, you won't.
A funny- back a few years ago I was in a contract that had me getting home after hubby. I would get home and put my purse in its corner, exchange a few pleasantries, and go upstairs to change and decompress. Hubby was the chef in our house so I generally had a good half hour before supper.
I would come back downstairs for supper and invariably, hubby and I would soon be arguing. Stupid stuff, all of it. Finally the light went on. He moved my purse.
Once we figured out what we were REALLY arguing about, we could fix the problem.
In short? If you live with a spouse and/or others, set those boundaries. I need things to be where I need them to be. When hubby was alive, we had those discussions. Since his death, I put things where I must have them and don't worry about them moving.
The places where I struggle with structure today is a sense of not caring. If I don't grocery shop on the day I have set, I can rationalize it. This proves that man is NOT a rational animal but a rationalizing animal. This doesn't work in my favor.
I think what I've learned is that even in my fifties, I have to be exceedingly careful. I need to constantly build structure and find ways that I can enforce it. The vigilance never ends.
Incidentally? If you find yourself wanting to hide under the bed because yet another thing is changing in your world, know that you are not alone. And sometimes, you may have to give in to the urge.
Want to learn more about ADHD or need support? Check out http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/
Friday, July 4, 2014
Confirmation Bias and Me... And the Rest of the World
Unless you have been living under a rock or have better "IgnoreThis-Fu" than I, you know that recently the Supreme Court recently handed down a decision that would allow Hobby Lobby to not provide four different kinds of birth control without running afoul of ObamaCare.
And then all hell broke loose.
Depending on your favorite news source, this was either a great day or a day that will live in infamy.
Sigh.
What no one seems to have caught on to is that we have no REAL information on any of this. We don't know what the fundamentals of the case are, we don't know what was offered by Hobby Lobby in the past, we don't know what they intend to offer in the future, and we have no way to know what the impact of this will be on their employees.
How could this be possible???
The "news" is not the truth. Simple, really.
The definition of Confirmation Bias:
So why do I think this is important to ADHDers? A whole lot of reasons.
ADHDers are often challenged by social situations and social commentary. It isn't unusual for ADHDers to find themselves agreeing to things they don't really agree with. The socially challenged ADHDer finds themselves "going along to get along". Not good.
There are people now that I will not engage with at all. Their bias has not allowed them to see that I am open to discussion- but within a few parameters. My parameters are quite simple. I would like to discuss the issues but not my religion. I would like to have discussions that are based on fact, not assumption.
As an ADHDer, I fight a lot with just agreeing. It would be so much easier.. But I would never remember who I agreed with or about what.
What I have learned lately is that I need to just shut up. I need to keep to myself, not have an opinion. Don't ask for confirmation, don't ask for proof, and don't ask for anything that will enable me to have an opinion based on anything but the vituperation and celebration around me.
And they think ADHDers are strange?
And then all hell broke loose.
Depending on your favorite news source, this was either a great day or a day that will live in infamy.
Sigh.
What no one seems to have caught on to is that we have no REAL information on any of this. We don't know what the fundamentals of the case are, we don't know what was offered by Hobby Lobby in the past, we don't know what they intend to offer in the future, and we have no way to know what the impact of this will be on their employees.
How could this be possible???
The "news" is not the truth. Simple, really.
The definition of Confirmation Bias:
Confirmation bias refers to a type of selective thinking whereby one tends to notice and to look for what confirms one's beliefs, and to ignore, not look for, or undervalue the relevance of what contradicts one's beliefs. For example, if you believe that during a full moon there is an increase in admissions to the emergency room where you work, you will take notice of admissions during a full moon, but be inattentive to the moon when admissions occur during other nights of the month. A tendency to do this over time unjustifiably strengthens your belief in the relationship between the full moon and accidents and other lunar effects.http://www.skepdic.com/confirmbias.html - The Skeptic's Dictionary.
So why do I think this is important to ADHDers? A whole lot of reasons.
ADHDers are often challenged by social situations and social commentary. It isn't unusual for ADHDers to find themselves agreeing to things they don't really agree with. The socially challenged ADHDer finds themselves "going along to get along". Not good.
There are people now that I will not engage with at all. Their bias has not allowed them to see that I am open to discussion- but within a few parameters. My parameters are quite simple. I would like to discuss the issues but not my religion. I would like to have discussions that are based on fact, not assumption.
As an ADHDer, I fight a lot with just agreeing. It would be so much easier.. But I would never remember who I agreed with or about what.
What I have learned lately is that I need to just shut up. I need to keep to myself, not have an opinion. Don't ask for confirmation, don't ask for proof, and don't ask for anything that will enable me to have an opinion based on anything but the vituperation and celebration around me.
And they think ADHDers are strange?
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