I Am Responsible

I hear this routinely.  "You think that ADHD means that you don't have to take responsibility!"  "It's just an excuse!"

Well, no.  ADHD might help to explain what is going on.  The ADHDer is still responsible.   According to my mother, there is no such thing as a good excuse.

So what is responsibility?  Let's look at it.

A friend of mine complained that her ADHD hubby couldn't load the dishwasher properly.  She was frustrated because she had told him repeatedly how to do it.  One day the light went on for her and she took a picture of the dishwasher properly loaded.  Problem solved.

So who owned the problem and who owned the responsibility?

She owned the problem.  He was trying to do the right thing but, because of ADHD, couldn't be successful.  She solved the problem by giving him a "map" for success.  He took that additional information- that he was able to use- and followed through.  Net result?  She owned her responsibility and gave him a path to success.  He owned his responsibility by continuing to try, and ultimately being successful.

Here's a tougher one, taken from the pages of Tom Brokaw's "The Greatest Generation"  One of the people he profiled stuck his head up a bit too far in his foxhole.  He was shot cleanly through the brain, resulting in the loss of his sight.

On his return to the States, he worked at what he COULD- accepting that there were professions that he couldn't participate in because of his blindness.  Nevertheless, he found a profession that he could be very successful in.

In his interview with Mr. Brokaw, he attributed his blindness not to the misfortunes of war or Hitler or the German who fired on him.  Instead, he said that he was sitting too high in his foxhole and should have been lower.

He was responsible.  He accepted that.

ADHDers live with responsibility.  They also live with failure.  This leads, frequently, to the anxiety that we have discussed in another blog.

I was taught from way young that failure to appear on time was me telling others that they are unimportant.  I have no real sense of time but developed incredible anxiety around time.  If I can't be on time for something, I frequently won't go at all.  I rarely accept invitations that have a time attached because I know what I'm not good at.  To me, this is taking responsibility.

I am being responsible because I am not making a commitment to being wherever "on time".  I don't trust that I can meet the requirement so I simply don't make the commitment.

Downside?  I only commit to things I believe I can manage.  The list is short and gets shorter by the day.

I'm an ADHDer.  I know what I CAN and what I CAN'T do.  I am responsible for knowing the difference, I am responsible for managing and communicating what I know.  When I do this successfully, I can manage my anxiety.

ADHD is never a free pass.  It MAY be an explanation.  It is NOT an excuse.