Ever have one of those days when you just want to spend the day in your pajamas?
Ever have a week like that? A month? More?
The chores may scream out for attention like a bad trip through a haunted house but you are frozen in your ability to deal with that. You are stuck in inaction and incapable of moving forward. You hate this about yourself- but are incapable of doing anything about it.
Welcome to my world. If you have ADHD, this is a familiar world.
Today I wanted to get up and run errands. My brain made all these great plans. My brain wanted to get up and go but- SQUIRREL!!! I got distracted by something that made little sense but seemed imperative at the time.
Usually I have external requirements on Tuesdays. This week I had no such luck- but I had a belief that I could discipline myself to take forward action, regardless.
*sigh*
Motivation is a difficult thing for ADHDers. As in, we have little and what we have is easily overwhelmed by distraction. Without strong coping mechanisms, our ability to de-motivate is epic. Worse is that we can validate what we consider a "decision" to not do things as something other than what it is- an incapability to move forward independently.
So what do you do?
I think the key is figuring out what MOVES you. What can get you out of the jammies, away from the computer, shoved into the shower? Whatever that is, you have to USE it.
Am I great at this? Not hardly. What I am proposing is that I can become good at it if I set the right things in my path.
I don't know what that looks like just yet, but at least I know what I need to do and I am open to doing it. Even if it is merely taking my computer to the coffee shop (Yay Dunn Bros!) every morning. Finding ways to make myself accountable to doing something.
One way I can be accountable is to be accountable to the people who read here. I don't know if it will work, I just think it might be worth a try.
Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it works out.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
No, It Really Is Painful
Recently someone asked me if I went to visit my husband's grave to satisfy my ego.
I am proud to say that I did not maul this person into insensibility. To be honest, I assumed that they were so insensitive that they wouldn't even notice.
So why do I go? I drive two hours- often difficult hours- just to get to the neighborhood. By the time I get there, I am often exhausted. All I want to do is become broccoli for the next several hours. I order in, turn on the TV, and try to shut my brain DOWN.
Sometimes I'm lucky, sometimes less so.
This time I didn't even get into town until after 4:00 p.m. I checked in to the hotel assuming that I would head for the cemetery. What actually happened was that I couldn't get near the cemetery due to repairs from the flood of 2012. The passage would be opened the next day.
OK, fine. I went back to the hotel.
I ordered the best sandwich on the planet from Hugo's and tried to relax. Very hard to do in Duluth. I sat outside and relived memories instead of being able to create new ones.
I slept for about two hours.
The next morning I headed to the cemetery as early as I could. I spent an hour and a half with Mike, making sure that his flowers were growing and that he had his flags and his birds and things he loved. Then I had to get out because a funeral was coming in and I didn't want to intrude on someone else's grief.
My plan was to go back before I left. The weather had other plans. It was raining at a good clip when I checked out and the forecast didn't indicate that waiting would produce any better result.
I hate when I have to leave without seeing him.
I had to fight the wind getting back home. Then I had to stop at the local grocery because I had no real food in the house- I was gone so everything got tossed before I left and I'm not good at food anyway.
I'm going back in July. I can't afford to do this more than once a month. I need to make a new placard for his basket this year. The sealant that I used in 2011 has failed.
Anyone think this is about my ego?
The someone who asked me the question was appalled when I asked her what planet she came from. She lives every day with her husband and her kids. She has no frame of reference for loss or grief. I have little doubt that she wonders about my sanity. She doesn't understand how pervasive grief is.
I try very hard to understand that limited perspective. Sometimes I am successful.
My mother died a scant year before my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My treasured aunt died just two months before, a good friend would die months later, and another friend a couple of months after that.
My husband died 13 months after his diagnosis, and my father 13 months after my husband's death.
Sometimes I feel a bit picked on. Anyone with a calendar could plan better than this.
Grief is an abandonment of ego. Coming to terms with crushing loss leaves you naked and sobbing and without defenses. If you are lucky, you will be afforded the time and space to recognize what your life will look like in the face of the loss.
I've not been lucky.
I am proud to say that I did not maul this person into insensibility. To be honest, I assumed that they were so insensitive that they wouldn't even notice.
So why do I go? I drive two hours- often difficult hours- just to get to the neighborhood. By the time I get there, I am often exhausted. All I want to do is become broccoli for the next several hours. I order in, turn on the TV, and try to shut my brain DOWN.
Sometimes I'm lucky, sometimes less so.
This time I didn't even get into town until after 4:00 p.m. I checked in to the hotel assuming that I would head for the cemetery. What actually happened was that I couldn't get near the cemetery due to repairs from the flood of 2012. The passage would be opened the next day.
OK, fine. I went back to the hotel.
I ordered the best sandwich on the planet from Hugo's and tried to relax. Very hard to do in Duluth. I sat outside and relived memories instead of being able to create new ones.
I slept for about two hours.
The next morning I headed to the cemetery as early as I could. I spent an hour and a half with Mike, making sure that his flowers were growing and that he had his flags and his birds and things he loved. Then I had to get out because a funeral was coming in and I didn't want to intrude on someone else's grief.
My plan was to go back before I left. The weather had other plans. It was raining at a good clip when I checked out and the forecast didn't indicate that waiting would produce any better result.
I hate when I have to leave without seeing him.
I had to fight the wind getting back home. Then I had to stop at the local grocery because I had no real food in the house- I was gone so everything got tossed before I left and I'm not good at food anyway.
I'm going back in July. I can't afford to do this more than once a month. I need to make a new placard for his basket this year. The sealant that I used in 2011 has failed.
Anyone think this is about my ego?
The someone who asked me the question was appalled when I asked her what planet she came from. She lives every day with her husband and her kids. She has no frame of reference for loss or grief. I have little doubt that she wonders about my sanity. She doesn't understand how pervasive grief is.
I try very hard to understand that limited perspective. Sometimes I am successful.
My mother died a scant year before my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My treasured aunt died just two months before, a good friend would die months later, and another friend a couple of months after that.
My husband died 13 months after his diagnosis, and my father 13 months after my husband's death.
Sometimes I feel a bit picked on. Anyone with a calendar could plan better than this.
Grief is an abandonment of ego. Coming to terms with crushing loss leaves you naked and sobbing and without defenses. If you are lucky, you will be afforded the time and space to recognize what your life will look like in the face of the loss.
I've not been lucky.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Working with ADHDers
Something that happens with ADHDers is that they go to college and de-compensate. Generally the kicker is around the new demands and the change of life and living.
Having lived through this, I started asking questions and expecting answers- that never came. I ran from college and went to a trade school where I became an LVN.
Oddly, I was still in a time where I didn't need a degree in Computer Science to work in IT. Technology became my home for nearly 20 years.
On the plus side, people tended to assume that people working in technology were not social mavens. That kept me safe for many years. It didn't keep me safe forever.
As an ADHDer, I never knew how to manage social interactions at work. On one hand, that wasn't a bad thing. I met my husband at work. On the other hand, it showcased my difficulty in dealing with social interactions and threw down a spotlight on that.
What I know today is that I can't go back to technology. I've been out of it for too long and I can't care about it the way I used to. That means that I can't bring the level of dedication necessary to the table. On the plus side, that means that I don't even try to win those roles. On the downside it means that I fight to find freelance roles in writing.
So how do you find a job in a world that believes that you need a college education to collect garbage?
If you are still at an age where you believe you can learn a trade, I suggest you set your browser to mikeroweWORKS.com. This foundation provides scholarships if you are willing to tell the Foundation why you deserve a chance.
The "Dirty Jobs" guy heard volumes from people who had jobs that were left alone- as unemployment was reaching double digits- because there was a belief that we are all too good to take these jobs, and/or college education was/is more important.
I would love to find a creative job. I have no college degree. I can't do what the trade school trained me for any more. At 52, I'm not exactly what anyone wants to hire. That doesn't mean that I am incapable or incompetent. It means that my time has passed.
mikeroweWORKS.com provides a way for ADHDers to find work- real work that pays a living wage- that can last longer than a degree. At the end of the day, alphabet soup is just a lunchtime thing.
People with ADHD are going to fight to find and keep jobs. Finding support is important and necessary. If you are willing to think out of the box, there are alternatives.
I wish I was a welder...
Having lived through this, I started asking questions and expecting answers- that never came. I ran from college and went to a trade school where I became an LVN.
Oddly, I was still in a time where I didn't need a degree in Computer Science to work in IT. Technology became my home for nearly 20 years.
On the plus side, people tended to assume that people working in technology were not social mavens. That kept me safe for many years. It didn't keep me safe forever.
As an ADHDer, I never knew how to manage social interactions at work. On one hand, that wasn't a bad thing. I met my husband at work. On the other hand, it showcased my difficulty in dealing with social interactions and threw down a spotlight on that.
What I know today is that I can't go back to technology. I've been out of it for too long and I can't care about it the way I used to. That means that I can't bring the level of dedication necessary to the table. On the plus side, that means that I don't even try to win those roles. On the downside it means that I fight to find freelance roles in writing.
So how do you find a job in a world that believes that you need a college education to collect garbage?
If you are still at an age where you believe you can learn a trade, I suggest you set your browser to mikeroweWORKS.com. This foundation provides scholarships if you are willing to tell the Foundation why you deserve a chance.
The "Dirty Jobs" guy heard volumes from people who had jobs that were left alone- as unemployment was reaching double digits- because there was a belief that we are all too good to take these jobs, and/or college education was/is more important.
I would love to find a creative job. I have no college degree. I can't do what the trade school trained me for any more. At 52, I'm not exactly what anyone wants to hire. That doesn't mean that I am incapable or incompetent. It means that my time has passed.
mikeroweWORKS.com provides a way for ADHDers to find work- real work that pays a living wage- that can last longer than a degree. At the end of the day, alphabet soup is just a lunchtime thing.
People with ADHD are going to fight to find and keep jobs. Finding support is important and necessary. If you are willing to think out of the box, there are alternatives.
I wish I was a welder...
Thursday, June 5, 2014
The Detritus of an ADHD Life
In case anyone has wondered, I am not Mrs. Immaculate. I'm not even Nancy Neat. I'm Tricia the Tornado.
My poor husband never understood this. I need to SEE stuff in order to deal with it. If I shove it all into places it can't be seen, I lose everything. He, on the other hand, needed everything to be tucked away in closets and drawers in order to be happy.
*sigh*
I discovered how pervasive this problem is in a bizarre way.
I live with two elderly cats. This means that I feed cats and I clean a cat box. And here is where the problem begins.
I thought I was being brilliant when I bought a bin to store cat litter... until I had to fill said bin. I can't lift most of the cat litter bins that are sold. Instead of getting rid of the bin when I discovered it wouldn't work for me, I left it in the misguided hope that I would adapt. After 50-odd years, you would think I would know better.
When I recently went to scoop the box I discovered that I was out of litter. How can this be? I have this huge bin! that I could not fill but never made go away.
*sigh*
My emergency litter stash came in handy... while I forgot to buy litter for the next three days. My cats are not happy with me.
While this crisis of waste was unfolding, a different problem was happening in the pantry.
I do grocery shopping every week- ish. The staple on my list is dry cat food. I know what they like and I go there to buy it. What I never do is remember that I already have three bags of it.
*sigh*
I know. A list would alleviate some of this. Unless you happen to live with my ADHD brain. Lists are an anathema to me. I make them, I take them, and I forget things regardless. In response, I have learned to hate lists.
I need to find a better way to manage. I also need to be nicer to myself when I run out of kitty litter and places to put the bags of food I constantly buy but won't need until next month. At least.
I understand the nature of the problem. Still trying to figure out how to deal with it.
*sigh*
My poor husband never understood this. I need to SEE stuff in order to deal with it. If I shove it all into places it can't be seen, I lose everything. He, on the other hand, needed everything to be tucked away in closets and drawers in order to be happy.
*sigh*
I discovered how pervasive this problem is in a bizarre way.
I live with two elderly cats. This means that I feed cats and I clean a cat box. And here is where the problem begins.
I thought I was being brilliant when I bought a bin to store cat litter... until I had to fill said bin. I can't lift most of the cat litter bins that are sold. Instead of getting rid of the bin when I discovered it wouldn't work for me, I left it in the misguided hope that I would adapt. After 50-odd years, you would think I would know better.
When I recently went to scoop the box I discovered that I was out of litter. How can this be? I have this huge bin! that I could not fill but never made go away.
*sigh*
My emergency litter stash came in handy... while I forgot to buy litter for the next three days. My cats are not happy with me.
While this crisis of waste was unfolding, a different problem was happening in the pantry.
I do grocery shopping every week- ish. The staple on my list is dry cat food. I know what they like and I go there to buy it. What I never do is remember that I already have three bags of it.
*sigh*
I know. A list would alleviate some of this. Unless you happen to live with my ADHD brain. Lists are an anathema to me. I make them, I take them, and I forget things regardless. In response, I have learned to hate lists.
I need to find a better way to manage. I also need to be nicer to myself when I run out of kitty litter and places to put the bags of food I constantly buy but won't need until next month. At least.
I understand the nature of the problem. Still trying to figure out how to deal with it.
*sigh*
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Dealing With The "What Is"
I got to the bank. I made the mortgage payment. I hate everything. Now I wonder.
So many of us have issues around managing complex issues. ADHDers routinely find that they depend on people who manage things that they find challenging.
My husband and I were the "perfect" couple. He could manage the analytical while I managed the creative. He built applications while I was his "User Experience" input.
Living with ADHD can leave one- this one- wondering if it might be a good idea to find someone to help me manage. I begin to think the answer is "yes". I find that I am tossed into a place of wanting to hide under the bed.
I WILL NOT MARRY AGAIN. Period and all the other necessary punctuation. Now I need to figure out what and who I need to hire.
What I have learned is that I have a place of confusion. I don't understand money or how to manage it. This is in the face of understanding things like how the market works. I have this marginal understanding but can't manage ... things.
In my mind I find myself trying to explain things to my Mike. Unfortunately I don't get answers and that frankly pisses me off.
Oh wait. He's dead.
I need help. Even if this current issue ends up being nothing, I have to admit this. I need help.
Well shit.
So many of us have issues around managing complex issues. ADHDers routinely find that they depend on people who manage things that they find challenging.
My husband and I were the "perfect" couple. He could manage the analytical while I managed the creative. He built applications while I was his "User Experience" input.
Living with ADHD can leave one- this one- wondering if it might be a good idea to find someone to help me manage. I begin to think the answer is "yes". I find that I am tossed into a place of wanting to hide under the bed.
I WILL NOT MARRY AGAIN. Period and all the other necessary punctuation. Now I need to figure out what and who I need to hire.
What I have learned is that I have a place of confusion. I don't understand money or how to manage it. This is in the face of understanding things like how the market works. I have this marginal understanding but can't manage ... things.
In my mind I find myself trying to explain things to my Mike. Unfortunately I don't get answers and that frankly pisses me off.
Oh wait. He's dead.
I need help. Even if this current issue ends up being nothing, I have to admit this. I need help.
Well shit.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
ADHD and Money Don't Mix... For Me
ADHDers live with a lack of Executive Function. Executive function manages- at a high level- time and memory along with cue comprehension. Toss on top that many- even most ADHDers live with dyslexia, dyscalculia, and/or dysgraphia.
I got dysgraphia and dyscalculia. I can't manage math to save my soul and can only write in longhand by drawing. I'm actually lucky. I know this about me.
On the downside, I am also unlucky. I don't have a way to manage numbers. When my husband was alive, he did this. Since his death, I have tried my best and failed miserably.
I'm currently in the unpleasant situation of having to deal with a lien on my bank accounts. This came as a complete surprise to me- don't they have to tell you before they do this kind of thing? Apparently not as my life attests.
Tomorrow I have to go to my bank and hopefully figure out how to deal with this. If I can't, I don't know what I will do next.
This day in my ADHD life is about trying to force myself to the bank in the morning. I've tried for three days to do this but have failed. I'm terrified of what I might learn and don't know how to deal with any of it. What I know is that I need to pay my bills and can't do that right now- because of this lien... that I know nothing about... but have to manage.
I want to crawl under a rock.
The projections of my mind leave me wondering where I will live. The idea of having to leave the home I shared with my Mike leaves me nauseous.
This only serves to support a destructive need to hide from everyone and everything.
I don't know how I am going to deal with the massive overwhelm that my current situation is. I would love to say that I will be fabulously organized about it all and have an action plan. I can't say that.
Somehow, I have to fight the massive anxiety and overwhelm and figure out what in hell is going on.
Wish me luck.
I got dysgraphia and dyscalculia. I can't manage math to save my soul and can only write in longhand by drawing. I'm actually lucky. I know this about me.
On the downside, I am also unlucky. I don't have a way to manage numbers. When my husband was alive, he did this. Since his death, I have tried my best and failed miserably.
I'm currently in the unpleasant situation of having to deal with a lien on my bank accounts. This came as a complete surprise to me- don't they have to tell you before they do this kind of thing? Apparently not as my life attests.
Tomorrow I have to go to my bank and hopefully figure out how to deal with this. If I can't, I don't know what I will do next.
This day in my ADHD life is about trying to force myself to the bank in the morning. I've tried for three days to do this but have failed. I'm terrified of what I might learn and don't know how to deal with any of it. What I know is that I need to pay my bills and can't do that right now- because of this lien... that I know nothing about... but have to manage.
I want to crawl under a rock.
The projections of my mind leave me wondering where I will live. The idea of having to leave the home I shared with my Mike leaves me nauseous.
This only serves to support a destructive need to hide from everyone and everything.
I don't know how I am going to deal with the massive overwhelm that my current situation is. I would love to say that I will be fabulously organized about it all and have an action plan. I can't say that.
Somehow, I have to fight the massive anxiety and overwhelm and figure out what in hell is going on.
Wish me luck.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Hurting to Remember
Last year I found it impossible to visit my husband's grave. I amused myself that this was because I had moved past the need or the desire. I pretended that it was quite acceptable for me to not go. I had any number of specious reasons- gas prices, difficulty, his parents- specifically his father's health, the flooding of the year before.
I hated myself for the coward I was being. Still do.
I can only visit my husband's grave during the thaw. The cemetery we chose was perfect for him- a view to the city he loved and close to the city he grew up in. A place he rode past on his bike every day for the years of his growing up. The place he said he wanted to be. A place two hours north of where I live. The place I will join him when I am not here.
I went back. I had to. For the first time since he died I reached out to a dear friend and asked for help. I needed her to go there- but I didn't know why.
My friend is an ADHDer too. She actually LIKES to drive. I can't hardly stand to. I drove to her house, she drove from there.
She gave me freedom in that time we spent together. Amazing freedom. A place to hurt- and let the hurt be part of living. A place to find joy in things that he and I would have found joy in. She expanded on the life that he and I shared by going places we always said we would but hadn't had time for.
She forced me be part of living. Not in any negative way, but in a healing one. She made me consider life outside of my accepted practice of checking into a hotel room and hiding under the bed. While I would have been content to order in and hide until I could go back to the cemetery, she suggested a bravery I didn't feel- that we should go out for dinner and enjoy it.
After dinner, she decided we needed to cross the Lift Bridge. In Duluth, the icon of icons is the Lift Bridge. Mike and I always said we would explore the other side- but never had.
We found a place to park and explore the Lake Superior beach. In the freaking cold, we picked up bits and pieces that I will cherish "forever" and pieces I could leave for my Mike.
We went back to the hotel and watched the greatest bad horror movie ever- "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra"- a b-movie so great- and so bad that other b-movies must cower in shame of it. You can find it on Netflix.
Having to leave the next morning was painful. I keep wanting to bring him back with me. I want him to be safe. I fight with the reality that he is gone.
My friend helped to bridge the reality with something new and novel- a place I had never heard of, but had great breakfast.
Driving home we sang to Simon and Garfunkel and Crosby, Stills Nash, and Young- the voices of our lives, the music of our generation. And Josh Garrels- a voice so unique I can't fully define it. Find him here: http://joshgarrels.com/
Having to leave my husband's grave still leaves a mark. I have been known to spend hours talking to him. I'm a rational person and I understand that he is gone. Doesn't change a thing.
I am grateful to my friend. She gave me a new way to celebrate the life Mike and I had- and a way to celebrate the life I still have. Even when I don't want to.
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