ADHD Mothers and Daughters

We are all sons or daughters.  We may be mothers.  What we all are is people who try our tails off to please our mothers... and fathers- but I'll talk about them later.

When my mother went on her first date with my father, she was 16 and he, 17.  When she came home from that date, she told my Grandmother that she was going to marry him.  My Grandmother's response was that if she felt that way when she was 18, that was fine.  It was 1946.

In 1948 my father and mother prepared to marry.  It would be two more years before they did so- but not for trying.

In 1948 my uncle's plane- and occupants- were found and returned to the US from Japan for burial in a common grave at Jefferson Barracks in MO.  My Grandparents had to travel to MO from New England for the burial of their only son.  My parents put off their wedding.

In 1949, my father enlisted with the Air Force.  He would be needed in Korea.  A skirmish, not a war.

In July of 1950- after putting off the wedding twice, my parents were (finally) married.

My eldest sister was born in 54 but it wasn't until 61 that my elder sister was born.  My mother felt like a failure because she hadn't been able to conceive for so long.  What she wanted in all the world was to bring brilliant children- reflections of my father?- into the world.  Not being able to conceive for all those years left a mark.

I was born in 62.  From day one- according to my mother, I was different.  This difference would press her to find out why I was different and to figure out how to "solve" that difference.

She had two more children- in 64 and 67.  After her last, my father who wanted, "six, all girls", had to be satisfied with five.

In every birth order there are classifications.  In ours- as far as I was always concerned, it was easy.  Nancy was the eldest, Wendy was mommy's miracle, Janet was daddy's miracle, Marcie was the baby. I was the mistake.

I was diagnosed with MBD- Minimal Brain Dysfunction in June of 1967.  I was four years old.  Diagnosis was based on an EEG- a method believed to be viable for another twenty years by some sources.  At the time, MBD was thought to be something that one grew out of.  At best, it was considered to be incidental.  Ish.

I was on Ritalin as a child.  It worked.  No one ever told me what I was dealing with.  Many years later, I asked my eldest sister what was wrong with me.  She told me that I had MBD but it was nothing to worry about, I had grown out of it, and it was a mild case, regardless.

No one ever asked me.

What I remember of my mother is how ashamed of me she always was.  She failed as a mother- regardless of her other "perfect" children.  We were never able to have a "normal" relationship and she was never able to accept my ADHD.  She was convinced that I was mentally ill, never willing to recognize that a neuro-biological differentiation was different than a mental illness.

Strangely, she was fully accepting of my younger sister's bi-polar illness.

I never was able to make my mother proud.  I never will.  I was never able to be good enough for her- no matter what my achievement, I should have done better.  This isn't conjecture or belated bitterness- these are words she said- and wrote to me.

When my mother died in 2008, I knew.  I knew so well that I got a haircut the morning she died and told the hairdresser that I needed a trouble free haircut because I would need to go to my mother's funeral.  An hour later I got the call from my sister that my mother had died.

If you have ADHD and are the first of your family to be diagnosed, life isn't going to be easy.  You will fall short and will be told it's your fault.  It's going to suck.  It's NOT your fault.  You have a neuro-biological differentiation.

If you are young enough, please direct your Mom to this blog and to http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/. Information is strength and ability.