Reality and Vaccination. Why Refuse to Believe?

On Friday, November 22, 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald shot and killed President John F. Kennedy as he passed in a motorcade in front of the Texas Book Depository on his way to the Dallas Trade Mart where he was scheduled to give a speech.

On Sunday. November 24, 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald was killed by local club proprietor Jack (Ruby) Rubenstein as he was being transferred from the the local police headquarters to the jail.

I was about 13 months old.

For a reason I have never understood, I needed to understand all this.  I knew that it impacted my life but didn't know why.  So I tried to understand.  Reasonable when you consider that my father was a constant student of history.  Dad's obsession with Lincoln was so great that my middle name was taken from General Robert E. Lee.

Umm... Dad?  I'm a GIRL!!!

Moving on...

For the last 50 years, the theories of conspiracy around JFK's assassination have been boundless.  Most of them have also been... ummm... witless.

So to me, the question to answer is, "WHY???"

Well, because.

I'm having to accept that the simplest answer often steps up to challenge your viewpoint- and moving past that might be uncomfortable.  Uncomfortable often means that you won't go there.  *sigh*

Lately I am feeling really challenged by people who refuse to vaccinate their children for the usual childhood diseases.  Partly because those unvaccinated children are a health hazard to me.  Mostly because those children may not die themselves but can contribute to the deaths of other children.

Like most children of the 60s, I was inoculated for everything known about at the time.  I had Chicken Pox at 7 months old- too young for a vaccination.  At eleven I was exposed to Chicken Pox- I already had it so I was safe... right?  No.  I got Shingles.  I went through a hell that I will never be able to put in words.  The femtosecond I was able to be vaccinated against Shingles after 50, I exposed my bicep and whined until I got the shot.  I REFUSED to go through the hell of having Shingles again.  I was two days past my 50th birthday. (you had to be at least 50 to get the shot- because it was obviously IMPOSSIBLE to get Shingles any younger.)

The most common idea is that vaccination of children will result in autism. Show me the science.

Autism, like ADHD is highly genetic.  If your un-vaccinated kid ends up being autistic, you are fooked for something to blame.  If your reasonably vaccinated kid has autism or ADHD- which we all know isn't real- then that Measles vaccination probably didn't change the genetics.  But you have something to blame.

Huh??????

I lost out on the ability to have a relationship with my mother because I had to fight through her guilt and the crap she loaded on my sisters because I have ADHD.  Back in the day, it was ALWAYS the Mom's fault and that left a mark.  Dealing with this reality has been a little slice of, "Can I check out now?"

I was vaccinated half to death.  Why?  I caught EVERYTHING!  I had pneumonia two or three times a year until I was eighteen or nineteen.  I had Scarlet Fever.  I had Croup until I was 12.  And I had Shingles at eleven.

Conspiracy theories exist because people refuse to believe the evidence before them.  Oswald couldn't possibly have acted alone because it takes more than one person to assassinate the President, RIGHT???  Proof is meaningless, comfort of thought is all important.

If you have a kid with ADHD, it isn't because you are a bad person. failed to look out for your child, or suck at life.  You have a kid with ADHD.  Kid has autism?  All the same applies.

Quit with the need to set blame.  PLEASE.

My Keys, Wherefore Art Thou, My Keys???

I'm SO not Shakespeare.

Any time I leave this house, I have my keys.  The reason I have my keys is that I obsess about my keys.  I need to know at all times where my keys are and have them in a dependable location.  If I can't find my keys, I will simply refuse to leave this house forever.

I have a carabiner clip on my purse that I hook my keys to any time they are not in the ignition of the truck.  This way I can leave the house and know I can return to it.  Ish.  I also have a combination lock on my front door that only requires me to recall four digits.  Except that the door is behind a hefty outer door that I insist on keeping locked.  No key.

*sigh*

Like many ADHDers, I fight to remember things like my keys.  Other things that I become obsessive of are my wallet, my checkbook, my shoes (!), my sweater, and my grocery bags.

I'm fighting anxiety right now because I have all my grocery bags in the house and they need to be in the truck- lest I forget them when I need to grocery shop again.  Before I finish this blog I will need to take the bags to the truck or sleep will NOT happen.

That's the other side of the equation- anxiety.

ADHDers find that they live in the anxiety zone a lot.  Things that NTs (Neuro-Typical) don't think much of are huge issues for us.  We often become obsessive and compulsive, distrustful and irritable over things like the location of our keys, cars, files, and any of a number of things.

I know this to be truth- if I don't hook my keys to the clip that I have for this purpose, they will be utterly lost to me- even if they are in my purse.  I have trained myself to find my keys in an expected location and I will never find them if they are somewhere else.

Sometimes this bites.

I can already hear the non ADHDers.  "We forget our keys too!!!"  Yeah, you do.  But you don't go through the crap we do.  NT's forget their keys and they are capable of figuring out where they last used said keys.  They back-track and locate.  They move on.

ADHDers?  The first thing that happens is an incessant stream of self-talk that makes prison hazing look like a children's squabble.  No one can beat the crap out of an ADHDer like an ADHDer.

Now that I have reduced myself to a pile of quivering poo- figuratively and possibly literally- I've lost something of myself.  Over time, I lose a whole lot of me.

Because I live in a world that thinks that ADHD is somehow funny, I don't get many opportunities to regain any part of me.

Easier to find my keys.

Well snit!

You Say Manipulate Like It's a Bad Thing

I'm going to tell you a secret about ADHDers.  Something we rarely- if always- tell our loved ones.  No worries, we're largely ignored so this is still a secret.

Just you and me, kay?  Promise not to tell.

People with ADHD can be completely manipulated.  Even better is that it will help the ADHDer and also any and every one around them.

It's a big secret.  You have to promise never to tell.

Here it is.  Ready???

Approve.

Tell an ADHDer they did good and they will break themselves to do it again.

So simple, so completely misunderstood.

When my husband and I first got together, I would try to help with chores.  I stopped doing that because I could never be successful at it.  Every effort was a new study in how I couldn't measure up.  It didn't take long before I just slunk out of the room.  I couldn't load the dishwasher correctly, couldn't clean the cat box correctly, couldn't even gather the garbage to go to the curb correctly.

I felt like a failure and had no way to redeem myself.

A couple of years later, hubby was PO'd because I refused to do anything around cleaning or maintaing the downstairs- or anywhere else.  He couldn't wrap his mind around the idea that all he needed to do was not disapprove.

I told him repeatedly that all he needed to do was give me a positive.  I would go from there.  I will give you anything you ask if you tell me one time that I did it right.

When he got sick, I found myself stuck.  He didn't understand his cancer and didn't want to.  He knew that I had spent countless hours learning everything I could learn about his cancer and had cross checked everything I thought I knew.  Without discussion or my permission, I was in charge of managing his care.

Well crap.

Something I struggle with today is that he died.  Logically, I understand this.  The totality of feeling isn't centered in logic.  In my ADHD brain, I failed.  I failed at the only important task I have ever been given- to keep my husband alive.

Yeah, I get the logic.  I understand it and can parrot it's essence.  Doesn't mean I buy in to that factual regurgitation.

What have I learned?  Something I have always known.

If you want me to do something, tell me that I did it right.  I will bust myself into pieces to do that thing over and over again.  I will fight to hear that approval again.

If you can learn this about me, you can own me.

Unfortunately, not many will bother.

My Get Up And Go Left Without Me!

Ever have one of those days when you just want to spend the day in your pajamas?

Ever have a week like that?  A month?  More?

The chores may scream out for attention like a bad trip through a haunted house but you are frozen in your ability to deal with that.  You are stuck in inaction and incapable of moving forward.  You hate this about yourself- but are incapable of doing anything about it.

Welcome to my world.  If you have ADHD, this is a familiar world.

Today I wanted to get up and run errands.  My brain made all these great plans.  My brain wanted to get up and go but- SQUIRREL!!!  I got distracted by something that made little sense but seemed imperative at the time.

Usually I have external requirements on Tuesdays.  This week I had no such luck- but I had a belief that I could discipline myself to take forward action, regardless.

*sigh*

Motivation is a difficult thing for ADHDers.  As in, we have little and what we have is easily overwhelmed by distraction.  Without strong coping mechanisms, our ability to de-motivate is epic.  Worse is that we can validate what we consider a "decision" to not do things as something other than what it is- an incapability to move forward independently.

So what do you do?

I think the key is figuring out what MOVES you.  What can get you out of the jammies, away from the computer, shoved into the shower?  Whatever that is, you have to USE it.

Am I great at this?  Not hardly.  What I am proposing is that I can become good at it if I set the right things in my path.

I don't know what that looks like just yet, but at least I know what I need to do and I am open to doing it.  Even if it is merely taking my computer to the coffee shop (Yay Dunn Bros!) every morning.  Finding ways to make myself accountable to doing something.

One way I can be accountable is to be accountable to the people who read here.  I don't know if it will work, I just think it might be worth a try.

Wish me luck.  I'll let you know how it works out.

No, It Really Is Painful

Recently someone asked me if I went to visit my husband's grave to satisfy my ego.

I am proud to say that I did not maul this person into insensibility.  To be honest, I assumed that they were so insensitive that they wouldn't even notice.

So why do I go?  I drive two hours- often difficult hours- just to get to the neighborhood.  By the time I get there, I am often exhausted.  All I want to do is become broccoli for the next several hours.  I order in, turn on the TV, and try to shut my brain DOWN.

Sometimes I'm lucky, sometimes less so.

This time I didn't even get into town until after 4:00 p.m.  I checked in to the hotel assuming that I would head for the cemetery.  What actually happened was that I couldn't get near the cemetery due to repairs from the flood of 2012.  The passage would be opened the next day.

OK, fine.  I went back to the hotel.

I ordered the best sandwich on the planet from Hugo's and tried to relax.  Very hard to do in Duluth.  I sat outside and relived memories instead of being able to create new ones.

I slept for about two hours.

The next morning I headed to the cemetery as early as I could.  I spent an hour and a half with Mike, making sure that his flowers were growing and that he had his flags and his birds and things he loved.  Then I had to get out because a funeral was coming in and I didn't want to intrude on someone else's grief.

My plan was to go back before I left.  The weather had other plans.  It was raining at a good clip when I checked out and the forecast didn't indicate that waiting would produce any better result.

I hate when I have to leave without seeing him.

I had to fight the wind getting back home.  Then I had to stop at the local grocery because I had no real food in the house- I was gone so everything got tossed before I left and I'm not good at food anyway.

I'm going back in July.  I can't afford to do this more than once a month.  I need to make a new placard for his basket this year.  The sealant that I used in 2011 has failed.

Anyone think this is about my ego?

The someone who asked me the question was appalled when I asked her what planet she came from.  She lives every day with her husband and her kids.  She has no frame of reference for loss or grief.  I have little doubt that she wonders about my sanity.  She doesn't understand how pervasive grief is.

I try very hard to understand that limited perspective.  Sometimes I am successful.

My mother died a scant year before my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  My treasured aunt died just two months before, a good friend would die months later, and another friend a couple of months after that.

My husband died 13 months after his diagnosis, and my father 13 months after my husband's death.

Sometimes I feel a bit picked on.  Anyone with a calendar could plan better than this.

Grief is an abandonment of ego.  Coming to terms with crushing loss leaves you naked and sobbing and without defenses.  If you are lucky, you will be afforded the time and space to recognize what your life will look like in the face of the loss.

I've not been lucky.

Working with ADHDers

Something that happens with ADHDers is that they go to college and de-compensate.  Generally the kicker is around the new demands and the change of life and living.

Having lived through this, I started asking questions and expecting answers- that never came.  I ran from college and went to a trade school where I became an LVN.

Oddly, I was still in a time where I didn't need a degree in Computer Science to work in IT.  Technology became my home for nearly 20 years.

On the plus side, people tended to assume that people working in technology were not social mavens.  That kept me safe for many years.  It didn't keep me safe forever.

As an ADHDer, I never knew how to manage social interactions at work.  On one hand, that wasn't a bad thing.  I met my husband at work.  On the other hand, it showcased my difficulty in dealing with social interactions and threw down a spotlight on that.

What I know today is that I can't go back to technology.  I've been out of it for too long and I can't care about it the way I used to.  That means that I can't bring the level of dedication necessary to the table.  On the plus side, that means that I don't even try to win those roles.  On the downside it means that I fight to find freelance roles in writing.

So how do you find a job in a world that believes that you need a college education to collect garbage?

If you are still at an age where you believe you can learn a trade, I suggest you set your browser to mikeroweWORKS.com.  This foundation provides scholarships if you are willing to tell the Foundation why you deserve a chance.

The "Dirty Jobs" guy heard volumes from people who had jobs that were left alone- as unemployment was reaching double digits- because there was a belief that we are all too good to take these jobs, and/or college education was/is more important.

I would love to find a creative job.  I have no college degree.  I can't do what the trade school trained me for any more.  At 52, I'm not exactly what anyone wants to hire.  That doesn't mean that I am incapable or incompetent.  It means that my time has passed.

mikeroweWORKS.com provides a way for ADHDers to find work- real work that pays a living wage- that can last longer than a degree.  At the end of the day, alphabet soup is just a lunchtime thing.

People with ADHD are going to fight to find and keep jobs.  Finding support is important and necessary. If you are willing to think out of the box, there are alternatives.

I wish I was a welder...

The Detritus of an ADHD Life

In case anyone has wondered, I am not Mrs. Immaculate.  I'm not even Nancy Neat.  I'm Tricia the Tornado.

My poor husband never understood this.  I need to SEE stuff in order to deal with it.  If I shove it all into places it can't be seen, I lose everything.  He, on the other hand, needed everything to be tucked away in closets and drawers in order to be happy.

*sigh*

I discovered how pervasive this problem is in a bizarre way.

I live with two elderly cats.  This means that I feed cats and I clean a cat box.  And here is where the problem begins.

I thought I was being brilliant when I bought a bin to store cat litter... until I had to fill said bin.  I can't lift most of the cat litter bins that are sold.  Instead of getting rid of the bin when I discovered it wouldn't work for me, I left it in the misguided hope that I would adapt.  After 50-odd years, you would think I would know better.

When I recently went to scoop the box I discovered that I was out of litter.  How can this be?  I have this huge bin!  that I could not fill but never made go away.

*sigh*

My emergency litter stash came in handy... while I forgot to buy litter for the next three days.  My cats are not happy with me.

While this crisis of waste was unfolding, a different problem was happening in the pantry.

I do grocery shopping every week- ish.  The staple on my list is dry cat food.  I know what they like and I go there to buy it.  What I never do is remember that I already have three bags of it.

*sigh*

I know.  A list would alleviate some of this.  Unless you happen to live with my ADHD brain.  Lists are an anathema to me.  I make them, I take them, and I forget things regardless.  In response, I have learned to hate lists.

I need to find a better way to manage.  I also need to be nicer to myself when I run out of kitty litter and places to put the bags of food I constantly buy but won't need until next month.  At least.

I understand the nature of the problem.  Still trying to figure out how to deal with it.

*sigh*

Dealing With The "What Is"

I got to the bank.  I made the mortgage payment.  I hate everything.  Now I wonder.

So many of us have issues around managing complex issues.  ADHDers routinely find that they depend on people who manage things that they find challenging.

My husband and I were the "perfect" couple.  He could manage the analytical while I managed the creative.  He built applications while I was his "User Experience" input.

Living with ADHD can leave one- this one- wondering if it might be a good idea to find someone to help me manage.  I begin to think the answer is "yes".  I find that I am tossed into a place of wanting to hide under the bed.

I WILL NOT MARRY AGAIN.  Period and all the other necessary punctuation.  Now I need to figure out what and who I need to hire.

What I have learned is that I have a place of confusion.  I don't understand money or how to manage it. This is in the face of understanding things like how the market works.  I have this marginal understanding but can't manage ... things.

In my mind I find myself trying to explain things to my Mike.  Unfortunately I don't get answers and that frankly pisses me off.

Oh wait.  He's dead.

I need help.  Even if this current issue ends up being nothing, I have to admit this.  I need help.

Well shit.

ADHD and Money Don't Mix... For Me

ADHDers live with a lack of Executive Function.  Executive function manages- at a high level- time and memory along with cue comprehension.  Toss on top that many- even most ADHDers live with dyslexia, dyscalculia, and/or dysgraphia.

I got dysgraphia and dyscalculia.  I can't manage math to save my soul and can only write in longhand by drawing.  I'm actually lucky.  I know this about me.

On the downside, I am also unlucky.  I don't have a way to manage numbers.  When my husband was alive, he did this.  Since his death, I have tried my best and failed miserably.

I'm currently in the unpleasant situation of having to deal with a lien on my bank accounts.  This came as a complete surprise to me- don't they have to tell you before they do this kind of thing?  Apparently not as my life attests.

Tomorrow I have to go to my bank and hopefully figure out how to deal with this.  If I can't, I don't know what I will do next.

This day in my ADHD life is about trying to force myself to the bank in the morning.  I've tried for three days to do this but have failed.  I'm terrified of what I might learn and don't know how to deal with any of it.  What I know is that I need to pay my bills and can't do that right now- because of this lien... that I know nothing about... but have to manage.

I want to crawl under a rock.

The projections of my mind leave me wondering where I will live.  The idea of having to leave the home I shared with my Mike leaves me nauseous.

This only serves to support a destructive need to hide from everyone and everything.

I don't know how I am going to deal with the massive overwhelm that my current situation is.  I would love to say that I will be fabulously organized about it all and have an action plan.  I can't say that.

Somehow, I have to fight the massive anxiety and overwhelm and figure out what in hell is going on.

Wish me luck.