You Say Manipulate Like It's a Bad Thing

I'm going to tell you a secret about ADHDers.  Something we rarely- if always- tell our loved ones.  No worries, we're largely ignored so this is still a secret.

Just you and me, kay?  Promise not to tell.

People with ADHD can be completely manipulated.  Even better is that it will help the ADHDer and also any and every one around them.

It's a big secret.  You have to promise never to tell.

Here it is.  Ready???

Approve.

Tell an ADHDer they did good and they will break themselves to do it again.

So simple, so completely misunderstood.

When my husband and I first got together, I would try to help with chores.  I stopped doing that because I could never be successful at it.  Every effort was a new study in how I couldn't measure up.  It didn't take long before I just slunk out of the room.  I couldn't load the dishwasher correctly, couldn't clean the cat box correctly, couldn't even gather the garbage to go to the curb correctly.

I felt like a failure and had no way to redeem myself.

A couple of years later, hubby was PO'd because I refused to do anything around cleaning or maintaing the downstairs- or anywhere else.  He couldn't wrap his mind around the idea that all he needed to do was not disapprove.

I told him repeatedly that all he needed to do was give me a positive.  I would go from there.  I will give you anything you ask if you tell me one time that I did it right.

When he got sick, I found myself stuck.  He didn't understand his cancer and didn't want to.  He knew that I had spent countless hours learning everything I could learn about his cancer and had cross checked everything I thought I knew.  Without discussion or my permission, I was in charge of managing his care.

Well crap.

Something I struggle with today is that he died.  Logically, I understand this.  The totality of feeling isn't centered in logic.  In my ADHD brain, I failed.  I failed at the only important task I have ever been given- to keep my husband alive.

Yeah, I get the logic.  I understand it and can parrot it's essence.  Doesn't mean I buy in to that factual regurgitation.

What have I learned?  Something I have always known.

If you want me to do something, tell me that I did it right.  I will bust myself into pieces to do that thing over and over again.  I will fight to hear that approval again.

If you can learn this about me, you can own me.

Unfortunately, not many will bother.