I thought it only right and reasonable that I celebrate National Honesty Day as only an ADHDer can. This basically means that you may or may not be offended and I will stand on my First Amendment right to speak my mind... and do so in ALL honesty.
To begin- caterwauling does not equal music. And stripping does not equal edgy. And being paid obnoxious amounts of money to prance about on stage like a git does not confer wisdom. Just being honest here, I'll bet you know who I'm referring to.
While I'm on the subject, doing things that only serve to shock with the only purpose being to shock is no longer avant garde. And incidentally? That tattoo of a male sexual organ down your nose might seem like a great idea in your late teens or twenties, but isn't going to be helpful as you go on in life. Ditto to tattooing "murder" on your neck. Just sayin.
This honesty thing is getting to be fun!
While I'm at it, can we quit with the ad hominem attacks? When my opinions- no matter how deeply held or honestly believed- insure that I am open to personal ridicule or worse, my First Amendment rights are violated. Disagree all you want but bring a well reasoned argument to the party or choose not to play. In return, I'll quit calling YOU ugly names when I disagree with you.
This is SO refreshing!
ADHDers learn early on to find ways to answer the unanswerable. "Why did you do that?" The truth may sound like "I don't know", but that is rarely a reasonable answer. What happens next? The ADHDer makes something up and prays for plausibility.
The other thing that happens to ADHDers is that they believe that they have done something. "Put this in the mail for me." Simple request, right? The problem is that the ADHDer looks at the thing and visualizes going to the mailbox and putting the envelope in. They think about when they will be at the mailbox and they carefully place the envelope where it won't be forgotten. Guess what happens next?
Three days later I've not only forgotten to place the envelope in the mailbox, I don't remember where it is. I've taken it to the mailbox so many times in my mind that I'm pretty darn certain that I took it there. Except I didn't. Don't laugh- it has happened to me. Try explaining that to your NT spouse. Good luck with all that.
"Why did you do that?" I don't remember doing that and unless you are waiting with photographic evidence to the contrary, I will deny doing that. It isn't part of my memory so it never happened and it will take a ton of evidence to convince me... even if I immediately apologize while building resentment about the whole thing.
God help you if you discover later that I DIDN'T do whatever. The resentment train is already building steam.
"So-and-so says they never said whatever." But I distinctly heard it. I know I did. It was so heavily implied in the conversation, they MUST have said it. Regardless, it is now a part of my personal reality.
ADHDers are frequently accused of lying to everyone about everything. As an ADHDer, I can say in all honesty that every word I have said here is true... to the best of my knowledge.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Beautiful People, A Beautiful Day
In every news cycle, it seems like we are invited to the plight of someone- gay, straight, black, white or a measure between, mentally stable or otherwise.
We are supposed to direct our attention to the subject of the media crowing with the expectation that we will come to their conclusions- and given only their evidence, how could right-minded people come to any other?
If you have ADHD, you are in a minefield that is as fearsome to navigate as it might sound. If you were anyone else, the world would care about how you negotiate it. But you only have ADHD- something that isn't considered to be real.
The killer of ADHD is that it is a disorder of executive functioning. An ADHDer screws something up and it is believed to be a deliberate thing- not a manifestation of the disorder. So what happens? The person with ADHD is believed to be awkward because of their own choosing.
I recall being in first grade and believing that I had been called on to read. So I did- and accurately. Instead of being praised by the teacher for having completed the task, I was taken to task- publicly- for doing what I thought I was being asked to do. Evidently, I had been called on only to provide a word. I had not been attentive to THAT task, I had been attentive to the reading task. Oops.
I refused to engage after that. I became certain that any effort would be met with more shame. I had enough from other avenues and surely didn't need to invite more.
That lesson taught me nothing positive. What it lent to all my life was an obscene struggle in dealing with people- a struggle I have to this day. I am terrified that any move I make will be the wrong one and I am scared of losing what contact I have with the world outside.
I'm still puzzling through how to manage this. I truly have little to offer in terms of suggestions. I just thought I'd toss the challenge out to the collective and listen to your ideas.
We are supposed to direct our attention to the subject of the media crowing with the expectation that we will come to their conclusions- and given only their evidence, how could right-minded people come to any other?
If you have ADHD, you are in a minefield that is as fearsome to navigate as it might sound. If you were anyone else, the world would care about how you negotiate it. But you only have ADHD- something that isn't considered to be real.
The killer of ADHD is that it is a disorder of executive functioning. An ADHDer screws something up and it is believed to be a deliberate thing- not a manifestation of the disorder. So what happens? The person with ADHD is believed to be awkward because of their own choosing.
I recall being in first grade and believing that I had been called on to read. So I did- and accurately. Instead of being praised by the teacher for having completed the task, I was taken to task- publicly- for doing what I thought I was being asked to do. Evidently, I had been called on only to provide a word. I had not been attentive to THAT task, I had been attentive to the reading task. Oops.
I refused to engage after that. I became certain that any effort would be met with more shame. I had enough from other avenues and surely didn't need to invite more.
That lesson taught me nothing positive. What it lent to all my life was an obscene struggle in dealing with people- a struggle I have to this day. I am terrified that any move I make will be the wrong one and I am scared of losing what contact I have with the world outside.
I'm still puzzling through how to manage this. I truly have little to offer in terms of suggestions. I just thought I'd toss the challenge out to the collective and listen to your ideas.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Dirty Words.
"You have cancer."
Your heart stops for a moment and you wonder if it will ever beat again. Your hands and feet go cold and you realize that in that moment you can't breathe.
In that moment, a monumental grief slammed down on me like a tsunami wave. I went numb. My husband was my life. How could I live without him?
Earlier in the day I had seen his x-rays- and a doc too chicken-shit to speak the truth. He left that to a REAL doc- the man who became my husband's Pulmonologist, and later, mine. I had literally spent nine hours knowing the truth but waiting to hear a doc tell me what I already knew.
I've tried to figure out how to put that horror into words. Three years later, I simply CAN'T. What I knew was I would lose the only person who was important to me. My life, my love, my husband.
The idiots- also known as doctors and stuff- provided vague generalities and superficial BS. I tried explaining my limitations and was threatened with removal from my husband as a result. I tried giving up and was told that this wasn't an option. I tried being realistic about what we were facing and was told that I was killing my husband. Really? I thought the cancer- terminal on day one- was doing that.
Ever the ADHDer, I went home and did research. THAT was depressing. What I learned was that my husband would die and I could do nothing about it.
I tried desperately to find resources for caregiver ADHDers. I found absolutely nothing.
I have never had illusions about what I am capable of. I clearly recall telling my husband what I could do easily and well and what I struggled with at the beginning of our relationship. I know my capacity and my limitations. My husband's cancer tested everything I knew.
You're going to hear a lot more on this subject. For now, I want to talk about some general realities.
If you live with ADHD and are a caregiver, job One is to figure out what your limits are. As an ADHDer, you don't think you have limits and can do everything. Realistically, you can't. Figure out your limit lines and stay within those lines. Period.
I didn't know this. The result? I shredded myself. Not helpful.
Take a stand. Some docs believe that they are God and you are a whisper in the wind. If there are questions you want answers to, ASK THEM! The doc may take issue with your questions and with you. So what? Demand the answers you need.
There's a whole lot more but I'll get to it in the next days. If you have ADHD and are also a caregiver, bookmark this blog and ask questions. I will post more on this subject.
Need to talk about living with ADHD? Check this out: http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/
Your heart stops for a moment and you wonder if it will ever beat again. Your hands and feet go cold and you realize that in that moment you can't breathe.
In that moment, a monumental grief slammed down on me like a tsunami wave. I went numb. My husband was my life. How could I live without him?
Earlier in the day I had seen his x-rays- and a doc too chicken-shit to speak the truth. He left that to a REAL doc- the man who became my husband's Pulmonologist, and later, mine. I had literally spent nine hours knowing the truth but waiting to hear a doc tell me what I already knew.
I've tried to figure out how to put that horror into words. Three years later, I simply CAN'T. What I knew was I would lose the only person who was important to me. My life, my love, my husband.
The idiots- also known as doctors and stuff- provided vague generalities and superficial BS. I tried explaining my limitations and was threatened with removal from my husband as a result. I tried giving up and was told that this wasn't an option. I tried being realistic about what we were facing and was told that I was killing my husband. Really? I thought the cancer- terminal on day one- was doing that.
Ever the ADHDer, I went home and did research. THAT was depressing. What I learned was that my husband would die and I could do nothing about it.
I tried desperately to find resources for caregiver ADHDers. I found absolutely nothing.
I have never had illusions about what I am capable of. I clearly recall telling my husband what I could do easily and well and what I struggled with at the beginning of our relationship. I know my capacity and my limitations. My husband's cancer tested everything I knew.
You're going to hear a lot more on this subject. For now, I want to talk about some general realities.
If you live with ADHD and are a caregiver, job One is to figure out what your limits are. As an ADHDer, you don't think you have limits and can do everything. Realistically, you can't. Figure out your limit lines and stay within those lines. Period.
I didn't know this. The result? I shredded myself. Not helpful.
Take a stand. Some docs believe that they are God and you are a whisper in the wind. If there are questions you want answers to, ASK THEM! The doc may take issue with your questions and with you. So what? Demand the answers you need.
There's a whole lot more but I'll get to it in the next days. If you have ADHD and are also a caregiver, bookmark this blog and ask questions. I will post more on this subject.
Need to talk about living with ADHD? Check this out: http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/
Friday, April 18, 2014
Don't Fear The Sleeper!
After my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I stopped sleeping with him. His sleep was so messed up from chemo it was better to give him the bed. I slept on the sofa we had in the den just outside of our bedroom.
In those days, I didn't sleep much, but was always terrified that I would not be able to respond to his needs. I went out and bought a cowbell for him to ring if he needed me.
Truth to tell, he never rang that bell. I don't think I ever slept.
The cowbell was important though. It was a play on "Don't Fear The Reaper" and an SNL skit with Will Farrell. Please search for it- the link I posted was broken and several other links I tried were blocked by the original content owner. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClQcUyhoxTg is the studio version of the song, BOC was a favorite band and we both found this skit hilarious.
On the bell I bought him, I wrote, "Don't Fear The Sleeper".
I have long contended that we who deal with ADHD approach death and grief differently than neuro-typical (NT) people. ADHDers have a harder time disconnecting with people in general, and the way we grieve is based in the way we manage the world as well as the way we are able to manage socially.
For my husband and I, we knew what we were facing. He was going to die and he was going to die way too young. He had illusions- a belief that he could kick the cancer any time it showed up. What I knew was that he might get a reprieve with the first chemo but he wouldn't get a second. Science backed my beliefs up. In the end- that came way too soon- I was right. He was wrong because of an idiot M.D who thinks he is God.
I would have killed to be wrong.
This isn't a single post and I'm coming back to this subject. ADHDers finding themselves in grief need a resource- and if science won't research it, I'll talk about it at the very least.
I was the only person there when my husband died- regardless of the fact that I could be investigated for his death as a murder regardless of his terminal state. I managed that. In a very real way, I continue to live in that corner of hell.
Hope springs eternal. Even three years after his death, I still look for my husband.
ADHD caregivers and those of us who have lost our loved one have challenges. I'll explore these in my next few blogs
For my husband: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOYIKw1NGSw
Want to talk to others about ADHD? http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/
In those days, I didn't sleep much, but was always terrified that I would not be able to respond to his needs. I went out and bought a cowbell for him to ring if he needed me.
Truth to tell, he never rang that bell. I don't think I ever slept.
The cowbell was important though. It was a play on "Don't Fear The Reaper" and an SNL skit with Will Farrell. Please search for it- the link I posted was broken and several other links I tried were blocked by the original content owner. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClQcUyhoxTg is the studio version of the song, BOC was a favorite band and we both found this skit hilarious.
On the bell I bought him, I wrote, "Don't Fear The Sleeper".
I have long contended that we who deal with ADHD approach death and grief differently than neuro-typical (NT) people. ADHDers have a harder time disconnecting with people in general, and the way we grieve is based in the way we manage the world as well as the way we are able to manage socially.
For my husband and I, we knew what we were facing. He was going to die and he was going to die way too young. He had illusions- a belief that he could kick the cancer any time it showed up. What I knew was that he might get a reprieve with the first chemo but he wouldn't get a second. Science backed my beliefs up. In the end- that came way too soon- I was right. He was wrong because of an idiot M.D who thinks he is God.
I would have killed to be wrong.
This isn't a single post and I'm coming back to this subject. ADHDers finding themselves in grief need a resource- and if science won't research it, I'll talk about it at the very least.
I was the only person there when my husband died- regardless of the fact that I could be investigated for his death as a murder regardless of his terminal state. I managed that. In a very real way, I continue to live in that corner of hell.
Hope springs eternal. Even three years after his death, I still look for my husband.
ADHD caregivers and those of us who have lost our loved one have challenges. I'll explore these in my next few blogs
For my husband: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOYIKw1NGSw
Want to talk to others about ADHD? http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Did I Say That Out Loud?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all say things we either regret or didn't mean. Believe me when I tell you, ADHDers do it more often and generally with pretty disastrous results.
When my lack of impulse control meets up with my considerable vocabulary, all bets are off and you have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth. I have no filter whatsoever and aging hasn't improved me one iota.
Have you ticked me off? If I'm tired, I'm telling you about it. Did you startle me? I'm going to fight to keep everything my brain wants to say inside. Am I happy? You and the entire county will be invited to share my joy. This is life with ADHD.
What is harder is that the minute something comes out of my mouth, I know I have screwed up... again. Just as you can't un-ring a bell, I can't un-say whatever it is. All I can do is try to clarify, quantify, or try to reduce whatever I just said.
Believe me when I tell you that I have NOT got this licked. Not even close. What I have successfully done is develop some coping strategies.
My Rule One is to immediately apologize when even I can see that whatever I've said was hurtful. I have a problem with impulsivity and my mouth. I don't have a desire to hurt people. Usually. When I do hurt someone- no matter how much I didn't mean to- I own it immediately.
I've learned that if I am tired or emotionally distraught, I am WAY more inclined to say what I'm thinking regardless of what that might be. I try very hard to limit my communication when I'm upset or need a nap. Too tired? I don't engage in social interaction if I can avoid it. Upset? I take myself out of the mix for a bit until I can get a handle on it.
"If you're going to laugh about it later, start NOW!" I try to stay aware of those situations that will be a wonderful anecdote a week from now but are frustrating the mess out of me now. Rather than spew my frustration, I look for the laugh. If I find it, I can defuse me.
"You are not qualified to hear my opinion". Oddly, this isn't an effort to elevate me, it's an effort to protect you from all that I am itching to say. You can thank me later.
Walk away. Years ago I worked with a guy who thought it quite acceptable to back me into a corner and scream in my face. Saying any of the things that I sincerely WANTED to would have ended with unemployment. I learned to push him aside and walk away. Get coffee, go smoke, suddenly "remember" something I needed in my car- any excuse would do. It kept me from loudly questioning his parentage of his children due the obviously abysmally microscopic size of his reproductive organ... no matter how much I wanted to introduce the topic.
My husband had a tough time learning this about me. He didn't understand it and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make him understand it. What he understood was that I made every effort I could to contain it. What he also understood was that I would do everything in my power to clean up any mess I made because of it. If you are married to a neuro-typical person, I strongly suggest that you have a conversation with your spouse. Lay out your challenges and ask you spouse to work with you to help you contain those things that shouldn't be said out loud.
Another part of this is continuing a conversation past it's "sell by" date. If this is something that you tend to do, try to own it by setting limits. When I pick up the phone, I set a timer. Ten minutes is my cut off. I try to end the call as soon as I can. Obviously, this is dependent on the call and the subject of the call. Face to face? In casual conversations, try to be alert to situation and subject.
Will any of this ALWAYS work? Sadly, not so much. What it WILL do is give you a place to start.
When my lack of impulse control meets up with my considerable vocabulary, all bets are off and you have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth. I have no filter whatsoever and aging hasn't improved me one iota.
Have you ticked me off? If I'm tired, I'm telling you about it. Did you startle me? I'm going to fight to keep everything my brain wants to say inside. Am I happy? You and the entire county will be invited to share my joy. This is life with ADHD.
What is harder is that the minute something comes out of my mouth, I know I have screwed up... again. Just as you can't un-ring a bell, I can't un-say whatever it is. All I can do is try to clarify, quantify, or try to reduce whatever I just said.
Believe me when I tell you that I have NOT got this licked. Not even close. What I have successfully done is develop some coping strategies.
My Rule One is to immediately apologize when even I can see that whatever I've said was hurtful. I have a problem with impulsivity and my mouth. I don't have a desire to hurt people. Usually. When I do hurt someone- no matter how much I didn't mean to- I own it immediately.
I've learned that if I am tired or emotionally distraught, I am WAY more inclined to say what I'm thinking regardless of what that might be. I try very hard to limit my communication when I'm upset or need a nap. Too tired? I don't engage in social interaction if I can avoid it. Upset? I take myself out of the mix for a bit until I can get a handle on it.
"If you're going to laugh about it later, start NOW!" I try to stay aware of those situations that will be a wonderful anecdote a week from now but are frustrating the mess out of me now. Rather than spew my frustration, I look for the laugh. If I find it, I can defuse me.
"You are not qualified to hear my opinion". Oddly, this isn't an effort to elevate me, it's an effort to protect you from all that I am itching to say. You can thank me later.
Walk away. Years ago I worked with a guy who thought it quite acceptable to back me into a corner and scream in my face. Saying any of the things that I sincerely WANTED to would have ended with unemployment. I learned to push him aside and walk away. Get coffee, go smoke, suddenly "remember" something I needed in my car- any excuse would do. It kept me from loudly questioning his parentage of his children due the obviously abysmally microscopic size of his reproductive organ... no matter how much I wanted to introduce the topic.
My husband had a tough time learning this about me. He didn't understand it and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make him understand it. What he understood was that I made every effort I could to contain it. What he also understood was that I would do everything in my power to clean up any mess I made because of it. If you are married to a neuro-typical person, I strongly suggest that you have a conversation with your spouse. Lay out your challenges and ask you spouse to work with you to help you contain those things that shouldn't be said out loud.
Another part of this is continuing a conversation past it's "sell by" date. If this is something that you tend to do, try to own it by setting limits. When I pick up the phone, I set a timer. Ten minutes is my cut off. I try to end the call as soon as I can. Obviously, this is dependent on the call and the subject of the call. Face to face? In casual conversations, try to be alert to situation and subject.
Will any of this ALWAYS work? Sadly, not so much. What it WILL do is give you a place to start.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Impulse Control? Seriously?
If you live with ADHD, you have discovered an immutable truth- I shoulda kept my mouth shut!!!
Welcome to Impulse Control 101.
Someone asked me, "How do you manage impulse?" My response then was, "I don't! I have ADHD!"
After some thought, I realized that I DO manage impulse and I do it every day. Coping strategies at work.
So the question is, "HOW!!!!!!"
I think that, for me, the most important thing I ever learned was that I would be responsible for any impulsive thing I did. Impulsive conversation could do me in as much as impulsive action. Did that lesson come easily? No.
So what are the coping strategies that I found to work? Several.
Shopping/buying/living with the purchase: If I'm making a purchase under $100, I do my best. Generally, this works out well but can be iffy. When my husband was alive, I could run things through him. He was generally willing to let me spend as I wished but was also good at making me think things through.
Since my husband died, I have had to make some huge and frightening purchases. I needed to replace the flooring in our home- the original carpet was a CSI episode. I needed to turn the living room back into a living room. The largest space on the main floor, it was the logical place to turn into my husband's final bedroom. New flooring, paint on the walls, a new lighting fixture- the old one got in my way at a critical time. I was going to write a very big cheque at a time I was in no condition to make decisions and my impulsive self was busily hating everything.
I had the ability to call in another responsible adult. My poor mother in law found herself in the sad position of having to "babysit" me as I tried desperately to make decisions.
Message? Find people you trust and believe what they tell you. My MIL was frank in her opinions and was willing to question any issue that she saw as questionable. I was able to meet the needs and even save some money with her help.
What do you do if you don't have someone to lean on?
Check with your bank. Often they try to give you a liberal use on your debit card at the ATM and purchase. If you know that you tend to overspend, ask your bank to help you by setting limits. My bank also knows that out of state transactions are unusual for me. They ask me if I authorized unusual transactions before they permit them. They also know that I won't spend over $500 generally. If they see that amount- outside of my known bill paying habit, they flag the transaction. I love my bank.
If you are alone and are not willing to discuss your issues with your banker, consider placing limits on your debit card. Set a daily limit for withdrawal and/or purchase. Now you HAVE to live with it.
If you have impulse issues, choose to not have a credit card. They can eat you alive. Do as much as you can in cash.
I have a small amount of money that I can spend for nothing in particular. That small amount is generally around $100 a month. I try to not spend this money without some considered thought.
Impulsive purchasers need to find external things that will help to restrict them. A bank, a spouse, a friend, whatever. More importantly, an impulsive purchaser needs to know that they are an impulsive purchaser so that they can find assistance.
The next blog will discuss social impulse control. Bet you can't wait!
Welcome to Impulse Control 101.
Someone asked me, "How do you manage impulse?" My response then was, "I don't! I have ADHD!"
After some thought, I realized that I DO manage impulse and I do it every day. Coping strategies at work.
So the question is, "HOW!!!!!!"
I think that, for me, the most important thing I ever learned was that I would be responsible for any impulsive thing I did. Impulsive conversation could do me in as much as impulsive action. Did that lesson come easily? No.
So what are the coping strategies that I found to work? Several.
Shopping/buying/living with the purchase: If I'm making a purchase under $100, I do my best. Generally, this works out well but can be iffy. When my husband was alive, I could run things through him. He was generally willing to let me spend as I wished but was also good at making me think things through.
Since my husband died, I have had to make some huge and frightening purchases. I needed to replace the flooring in our home- the original carpet was a CSI episode. I needed to turn the living room back into a living room. The largest space on the main floor, it was the logical place to turn into my husband's final bedroom. New flooring, paint on the walls, a new lighting fixture- the old one got in my way at a critical time. I was going to write a very big cheque at a time I was in no condition to make decisions and my impulsive self was busily hating everything.
I had the ability to call in another responsible adult. My poor mother in law found herself in the sad position of having to "babysit" me as I tried desperately to make decisions.
Message? Find people you trust and believe what they tell you. My MIL was frank in her opinions and was willing to question any issue that she saw as questionable. I was able to meet the needs and even save some money with her help.
What do you do if you don't have someone to lean on?
Check with your bank. Often they try to give you a liberal use on your debit card at the ATM and purchase. If you know that you tend to overspend, ask your bank to help you by setting limits. My bank also knows that out of state transactions are unusual for me. They ask me if I authorized unusual transactions before they permit them. They also know that I won't spend over $500 generally. If they see that amount- outside of my known bill paying habit, they flag the transaction. I love my bank.
If you are alone and are not willing to discuss your issues with your banker, consider placing limits on your debit card. Set a daily limit for withdrawal and/or purchase. Now you HAVE to live with it.
If you have impulse issues, choose to not have a credit card. They can eat you alive. Do as much as you can in cash.
I have a small amount of money that I can spend for nothing in particular. That small amount is generally around $100 a month. I try to not spend this money without some considered thought.
Impulsive purchasers need to find external things that will help to restrict them. A bank, a spouse, a friend, whatever. More importantly, an impulsive purchaser needs to know that they are an impulsive purchaser so that they can find assistance.
The next blog will discuss social impulse control. Bet you can't wait!
Sunday, April 13, 2014
First A, Then B, Then G?
Living with ADHD means that sequencing may be a challenge. I know it is for me, and I hear from many others (NOT a scientific survey) that it is for them as well.
Sequencing suggests that there is a logical stream- one thing follows another predictably and with reasonable result. Sequencing does not account for the ADHD brain. Frankly, our brains may interpret sequencing a bit differently.
1,2,3,4,5 may seem logical to you. To me? Not so much. I honestly have to fight my brain to accept that this is a reasonable progression. How do I know this? In a multitude of ways, but game-play is probably the most easiest to understand.
I play a "match three" game a lot. What I find constantly is that I am solving "match three" challenges well in advance of where the game "sees" me. This can be both good and bad.
In life, I have also had to deal with my sequencing issues- with both good and bad result.
I will never forget the day I saw my husband's cancer. In an instant, I knew what was coming. Was I right? Yeah. I hate that I saw the end of his days before he did. No one ever asked me how much I wanted to be wrong, or how knowing what was coming would change me and change the way I could relate with him. In many ways, what I knew brought a poison to the last, precious time we had.
Crap.
I knew my Dad was going to die a good six months before he did, knew my father in law was going to die a year before he did. I call it a sequencing issue. I knew it was coming, didn't know exactly when, just knew.
So am I suggesting that people with ADHD can foretell a future? No. Not at all. What I do suggest is that people with ADHD have sequencing issues. We may have a tendency to see the end and only then try to figure out how to get there.
Is this how the "neuro-typical" or NT see the world? Well, not generally. Does this view make us look a tad silly? Yeah.
What do we do? Make a choice.
I knew that I had to keep most of my observations about both my husband and my father to myself. My father lived in another state so my beliefs were easy to keep to myself. With my husband it was much harder and more complex.
Sequence. 1,2,3,4,5. So easy, so damnably difficult. First this, then that. For many ADHDers, so freaking difficult to understand.
Sequencing suggests that there is a logical stream- one thing follows another predictably and with reasonable result. Sequencing does not account for the ADHD brain. Frankly, our brains may interpret sequencing a bit differently.
1,2,3,4,5 may seem logical to you. To me? Not so much. I honestly have to fight my brain to accept that this is a reasonable progression. How do I know this? In a multitude of ways, but game-play is probably the most easiest to understand.
I play a "match three" game a lot. What I find constantly is that I am solving "match three" challenges well in advance of where the game "sees" me. This can be both good and bad.
In life, I have also had to deal with my sequencing issues- with both good and bad result.
I will never forget the day I saw my husband's cancer. In an instant, I knew what was coming. Was I right? Yeah. I hate that I saw the end of his days before he did. No one ever asked me how much I wanted to be wrong, or how knowing what was coming would change me and change the way I could relate with him. In many ways, what I knew brought a poison to the last, precious time we had.
Crap.
I knew my Dad was going to die a good six months before he did, knew my father in law was going to die a year before he did. I call it a sequencing issue. I knew it was coming, didn't know exactly when, just knew.
So am I suggesting that people with ADHD can foretell a future? No. Not at all. What I do suggest is that people with ADHD have sequencing issues. We may have a tendency to see the end and only then try to figure out how to get there.
Is this how the "neuro-typical" or NT see the world? Well, not generally. Does this view make us look a tad silly? Yeah.
What do we do? Make a choice.
I knew that I had to keep most of my observations about both my husband and my father to myself. My father lived in another state so my beliefs were easy to keep to myself. With my husband it was much harder and more complex.
Sequence. 1,2,3,4,5. So easy, so damnably difficult. First this, then that. For many ADHDers, so freaking difficult to understand.
Friday, April 11, 2014
You Can't Always Get What You Want
Unfortunately, you sometimes have to fight to get what you need.
If you have ADHD or suspect that you do, you discover rather quickly that getting what you need- a diagnosis and direction- isn't going to happen quickly or easily. Finding resources can be a challenge and finding the right resources even harder.
So what do you do?
If you are an adult with ADHD, you need to find resources who are versed in Adult ADHD. A quick and easy first try is your local chapter of NAMI. Hopefully you will be able to get more than one recommendation that will enable you to vet a possible care provider. Other sources may include the web and the- dare I say it- yellow pages.
If you are looking for a provider for a child, NAMI can be a great resource, but so can your local school, Pediatrician, and even friends with children of a similar age.
Now that you have a few names and numbers, you need to find the best resource. Make sure you ask a few questions.
"How many people with ADHD do you work with AND diagnose?" "What are their ages?"
"What are your thoughts about medication and what medications do you routinely work with (if any)?"
"What factors help you to arrive at a diagnosis of ADHD?"
"What do you believe is the impact of ADHD on an individual?"
"Do you believe in a multi-modal approach to managing ADHD?"
These kinds of questions can help you to determine if the provider is the right one for you.
With a provider in hand, your next step is to get to the appointment and diagnosis. Then what?
First step is to discover what ADHD really is. If you are an adult, you *may* have an inkling. If you are a parent, you have a different challenge.
ADHD is highly genetic. As a parent, you may have it too. Perhaps it is diagnosable, perhaps it is sub-clinical. Perhaps your spouse has it but you do not. No matter what, you have to decide out of the gate that the blame game is off the table. The reality is what is in front of you, solutions are king.
I was going to load up a ton of links to info but found that I had some 50 plus links and couldn't really narrow the field. What I decided to do was refer to a place where I know you can get more info and reach out to others who have knowledge- http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/ .
ADHD is a maze. People with ADHD are often marginalized, refused help of any kind, mostly misunderstood, and ignored. With support and help, that can change.
If you have ADHD or suspect that you do, you discover rather quickly that getting what you need- a diagnosis and direction- isn't going to happen quickly or easily. Finding resources can be a challenge and finding the right resources even harder.
So what do you do?
If you are an adult with ADHD, you need to find resources who are versed in Adult ADHD. A quick and easy first try is your local chapter of NAMI. Hopefully you will be able to get more than one recommendation that will enable you to vet a possible care provider. Other sources may include the web and the- dare I say it- yellow pages.
If you are looking for a provider for a child, NAMI can be a great resource, but so can your local school, Pediatrician, and even friends with children of a similar age.
Now that you have a few names and numbers, you need to find the best resource. Make sure you ask a few questions.
"How many people with ADHD do you work with AND diagnose?" "What are their ages?"
"What are your thoughts about medication and what medications do you routinely work with (if any)?"
"What factors help you to arrive at a diagnosis of ADHD?"
"What do you believe is the impact of ADHD on an individual?"
"Do you believe in a multi-modal approach to managing ADHD?"
These kinds of questions can help you to determine if the provider is the right one for you.
With a provider in hand, your next step is to get to the appointment and diagnosis. Then what?
First step is to discover what ADHD really is. If you are an adult, you *may* have an inkling. If you are a parent, you have a different challenge.
ADHD is highly genetic. As a parent, you may have it too. Perhaps it is diagnosable, perhaps it is sub-clinical. Perhaps your spouse has it but you do not. No matter what, you have to decide out of the gate that the blame game is off the table. The reality is what is in front of you, solutions are king.
I was going to load up a ton of links to info but found that I had some 50 plus links and couldn't really narrow the field. What I decided to do was refer to a place where I know you can get more info and reach out to others who have knowledge- http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/ .
ADHD is a maze. People with ADHD are often marginalized, refused help of any kind, mostly misunderstood, and ignored. With support and help, that can change.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
This is it- my FIRST EVER POST IN THIS BLOG!!!
Yeah, not so impressive. I get it.
I set this up so that I would have a place to talk about living with ADHD from the perspective of a 50-something whose diagnosis came 45+ years ago. I keep hearing that I have valuable information to share. I only hope that readers are willing to sift through the detritus until they find useful information. I also hope that I have useful information.
So a bit about me. I'm over 50, I have ADHD, I was widowed in 2010. I had a childhood, an adolescence, an adulthood. I've had careers and have hobbies. I fight demons and sometimes I win. I'm Catholic and I'm conservative. I expect that of me. I don't expect that of you.
Now you know as much as I tell anyone. When we know each other better, perhaps I will tell you more.
So why am I doing this? Because I want to say things and the Interweb is a great place to say things. For now, that's enough.
Do I think I will set the world on fire? Not really. If you are open to following my meanderings, you may read things that make you think, challenge your preconceptions, or make you chuckle a bit.
I'm here yelling because I want a voice. Now I have one.
Welcome!!!
Yeah, not so impressive. I get it.
I set this up so that I would have a place to talk about living with ADHD from the perspective of a 50-something whose diagnosis came 45+ years ago. I keep hearing that I have valuable information to share. I only hope that readers are willing to sift through the detritus until they find useful information. I also hope that I have useful information.
So a bit about me. I'm over 50, I have ADHD, I was widowed in 2010. I had a childhood, an adolescence, an adulthood. I've had careers and have hobbies. I fight demons and sometimes I win. I'm Catholic and I'm conservative. I expect that of me. I don't expect that of you.
Now you know as much as I tell anyone. When we know each other better, perhaps I will tell you more.
So why am I doing this? Because I want to say things and the Interweb is a great place to say things. For now, that's enough.
Do I think I will set the world on fire? Not really. If you are open to following my meanderings, you may read things that make you think, challenge your preconceptions, or make you chuckle a bit.
I'm here yelling because I want a voice. Now I have one.
Welcome!!!
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