Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all say things we either regret or didn't mean. Believe me when I tell you, ADHDers do it more often and generally with pretty disastrous results.
When my lack of impulse control meets up with my considerable vocabulary, all bets are off and you have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth. I have no filter whatsoever and aging hasn't improved me one iota.
Have you ticked me off? If I'm tired, I'm telling you about it. Did you startle me? I'm going to fight to keep everything my brain wants to say inside. Am I happy? You and the entire county will be invited to share my joy. This is life with ADHD.
What is harder is that the minute something comes out of my mouth, I know I have screwed up... again. Just as you can't un-ring a bell, I can't un-say whatever it is. All I can do is try to clarify, quantify, or try to reduce whatever I just said.
Believe me when I tell you that I have NOT got this licked. Not even close. What I have successfully done is develop some coping strategies.
My Rule One is to immediately apologize when even I can see that whatever I've said was hurtful. I have a problem with impulsivity and my mouth. I don't have a desire to hurt people. Usually. When I do hurt someone- no matter how much I didn't mean to- I own it immediately.
I've learned that if I am tired or emotionally distraught, I am WAY more inclined to say what I'm thinking regardless of what that might be. I try very hard to limit my communication when I'm upset or need a nap. Too tired? I don't engage in social interaction if I can avoid it. Upset? I take myself out of the mix for a bit until I can get a handle on it.
"If you're going to laugh about it later, start NOW!" I try to stay aware of those situations that will be a wonderful anecdote a week from now but are frustrating the mess out of me now. Rather than spew my frustration, I look for the laugh. If I find it, I can defuse me.
"You are not qualified to hear my opinion". Oddly, this isn't an effort to elevate me, it's an effort to protect you from all that I am itching to say. You can thank me later.
Walk away. Years ago I worked with a guy who thought it quite acceptable to back me into a corner and scream in my face. Saying any of the things that I sincerely WANTED to would have ended with unemployment. I learned to push him aside and walk away. Get coffee, go smoke, suddenly "remember" something I needed in my car- any excuse would do. It kept me from loudly questioning his parentage of his children due the obviously abysmally microscopic size of his reproductive organ... no matter how much I wanted to introduce the topic.
My husband had a tough time learning this about me. He didn't understand it and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make him understand it. What he understood was that I made every effort I could to contain it. What he also understood was that I would do everything in my power to clean up any mess I made because of it. If you are married to a neuro-typical person, I strongly suggest that you have a conversation with your spouse. Lay out your challenges and ask you spouse to work with you to help you contain those things that shouldn't be said out loud.
Another part of this is continuing a conversation past it's "sell by" date. If this is something that you tend to do, try to own it by setting limits. When I pick up the phone, I set a timer. Ten minutes is my cut off. I try to end the call as soon as I can. Obviously, this is dependent on the call and the subject of the call. Face to face? In casual conversations, try to be alert to situation and subject.
Will any of this ALWAYS work? Sadly, not so much. What it WILL do is give you a place to start.
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