Don't Fear The Sleeper!

After my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I stopped sleeping with him.  His sleep was so messed up from chemo it was better to give him the bed.  I slept on the sofa we had in the den just outside of our bedroom.

In those days, I didn't sleep much, but was always terrified that I would not be able to respond to his needs.  I went out and bought a cowbell for him to ring if he needed me.

Truth to tell, he never rang that bell.  I don't think I ever slept.

The cowbell was important though.  It was a play on "Don't Fear The Reaper" and an SNL skit with Will Farrell.  Please search for it- the link I posted was broken and several other links I tried were blocked by the original content owner.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClQcUyhoxTg is the studio version of the song,    BOC was a favorite band and we both found this skit hilarious.

On the bell I bought him, I wrote, "Don't Fear The Sleeper".

I have long contended that we who deal with ADHD approach death and grief differently than neuro-typical (NT) people.  ADHDers have a harder time disconnecting with people in general, and the way we grieve is based in the way we manage the world as well as the way we are able to manage socially.

For my husband and I, we knew what we were facing.  He was going to die and he was going to die way too young.  He had illusions- a belief that he could kick the cancer any time it showed up.  What I knew was that he might get a reprieve with the first chemo but he wouldn't get a second.  Science backed my beliefs up.  In the end- that came way too soon- I was right.  He was wrong because of an idiot M.D who thinks he is God.

I would have killed to be wrong.

This isn't a single post and I'm coming back to this subject.  ADHDers finding themselves in grief need a resource- and if science won't research it, I'll talk about it at the very least.

I was the only person there when my husband died- regardless of the fact that I could be investigated for his death as a murder regardless of his terminal state.  I managed that.  In a very real way, I continue to live in that corner of hell.

Hope springs eternal.  Even three years after his death, I still look for my husband.

ADHD caregivers and those of us who have lost our loved one have challenges.  I'll explore these in my next few blogs

For my husband: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOYIKw1NGSw

Want to talk to others about ADHD? http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/