People tell me I need better hobbies. These people are probably correct. While "normal" folks might read novels or watch zombie movies, I read epidemiology and virology as well as neurobiology and mental health issues. I consider this "casual reading".
If you were to examine my library, you would find a section on costuming and jewelry and a section on ADHD, Autism, Neurobiology, Mental Health... and disease- virus based disease.
Smallpox? I own several histories on Smallpox and it's eradication- and WHY it could be eradicated. Influenza? Have a few histories of the pandemic of 1918 and projections of possible future epidemics and potential pandemics.
Exotics? I have books that cover Dengue, Malaria, Hantavirus, General Arenavirus', HIV/AIDS and Botulism.
I also own books- several- written by the people who fought the demons up close- Piot, McCormack, Peters, and more- I own the work of the investigators.
Then there is the section on Filovirus. Ebola and Marburg.
I have read every book in my library and have searched for additional information on each one.
Filovirus is a batsh*t scary kinda thing. It makes no sense whatsoever. It doesn't look like anything else so it almost has no classification, there doesn't SEEM like there is a natural host- although there are species implicated- it isn't possible to clearly define a host.
Emergence of both Marburg and Ebola has been frightening and- very oddly- reassuring... although that reassurance is becoming more and more removed.
So- like an ADHDer, I look for facts. I manage in the big picture and strongly believe that if you can do this, you can solve for the smaller picture.
Ebola emerged...again. Not the first time, not the last. In general and in the past outbreaks, it emerged, burned out, and went back to hide. This time it hit large population centers and hit hard. In addition, spread occurred- possibly because of a lack of awareness of what Ebola is and what it tends to look like in countries where it is likely to occur.
It looks like Malaria in the early stages. Very likely, the "index" or first patient, appeared to local medical workers as yet another patient with Malaria. That patient was likely treated with anti-malarial medications and sent home.
Burial customs in that part of the world require that the deceased be evacuated of bodily waste among other things. Mourners come in very close contact with the deceased in the process of mourning- hugging, kissing, and touching. Soon, the attendants of the burial of that first patient are now infected- and spreading disease.
We live in a massively connected world. Ebola can certainly fly out of its country of origin and to a variety of places. It has done.
I hear screaming to shut down air travel to the affected areas. I hear the CDC retaliating that they have stringent policies in place. The US is terrified and screams out it's terror while a government that is mostly distrusted is trying to manage the nearly impossible.
From this ADHDer's perspective, what do you do?
Bleach is the filovirus' worst enemy. Antibacterial hand wash won't cut it. A cheap spray bottle filled with an 80/20 mix of Clorox works. If you think you are in contact with things that are potentially contaminated, use it.
I heard a woman state on O'Reilly"s show that we don't know which strain of Ebola this is. *sigh* The strain was proven long ago- thus proving that O'Reilly's guest had no clue what she was talking about. The strain is Zaire. Her belief that it was Reston is massively idiotic. Reston does not infect humans. The Reston Strain infected imports of monkeys during quarantine prior to release to testing labs. Through the magnificent work of USAMRIID coupled with CDC and an alert veterinarian, that presence of Ebola- human negative- was managed. Thanks to Drs. C.J. Peters, Nancy Jaxx, Jerry Jaxx, Peter Jharling, Joe McCormack, and so many others.
Oh wait- her claim was that Ebola Reston communicates to dogs. Umm... not by science. Maybe by panic.
So what can science confirm? Well, we know that the "prodrome" or the entire length of time between exposure and evidence of disease is 21 days. We also know that normal incubation is nine days or less. That said, the prodrome is 21 days.
The family of Thomas Eric Duncan are planning to sue due to "racial bias". I truthfully believe that they will come out of quarantine on 19 October with no ill effect. As an American, I wonder how they would feel about being sued by the American people. Thomas Eric Duncan brought Ebola to our shores. He lied to escape his country of origin. His unwise act has now imperiled an American who only sought to help.
How do we deal with this? I ain't God. What I am is someone who has studied this virus because I find it endlessly fascinating. I'm also someone who believes that some things are true.
Do you work with a constantly changing population from Africa? Give up your antibac hand cleaner and go for a bleach solution.
Screaming for an end of travel from affected countries? It won't work and can serve to spread disease. If travel is stopped from the affected countries, people will go to places that travel is NOT stopped. Those places may not be equipped to manage Ebola or to recognize it. Those places might then become new sources of Ebola. This brings new problems. Stopping travel isn't as easy as it may sound.
You may or may not trust the gov. That's valid. What you CAN trust is that a bleach solution will kill Ebola if you believe that you have been exposed.
We can choose to see panic while it builds around you- and ignore it with knowledge gleaned from science. We can also chose to reject panic in favor of what can be scientifically proven.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Friday, October 3, 2014
Not ADHD, But Kinda
Something that is an odd but persistent artifact of ADHD is the ability to become wrapped up in a subject or set of subjects that are endlessly fascinating. This is one of the reasons that many don't believe the idea of "inattention". When we find the focus of our attention, it has ALL our attention.
I'm guilty.
I enjoy antiques, beadwork, sewing, jewelry making, painting, depression glass, quilting, porcelain dolls, and a few other oddities. I'm obsessed by forensics, epidemiology, and virology. Specifically, I am obsessed with filoviruses- Ebola, Marburg, and Lassa Fever.
Why? Dunno.
I discovered virology in the 70's and proceeded to read every word available- and have continued to do so. I met Ebola in the early 80's through meager published papers and added Marburg to my list, shortly followed by Lassa Fever. I read every word I could find.
In 2014, I have continued to read every word I can find. In the world of the Internet, I read everything online resources could provide, I bought every book i thought might be relevant- and even when I found myself reading epidemiological garbage, I scoured those pages for real science. Sometimes I even found some.
I'm guilty.
I enjoy antiques, beadwork, sewing, jewelry making, painting, depression glass, quilting, porcelain dolls, and a few other oddities. I'm obsessed by forensics, epidemiology, and virology. Specifically, I am obsessed with filoviruses- Ebola, Marburg, and Lassa Fever.
Why? Dunno.
I discovered virology in the 70's and proceeded to read every word available- and have continued to do so. I met Ebola in the early 80's through meager published papers and added Marburg to my list, shortly followed by Lassa Fever. I read every word I could find.
In 2014, I have continued to read every word I can find. In the world of the Internet, I read everything online resources could provide, I bought every book i thought might be relevant- and even when I found myself reading epidemiological garbage, I scoured those pages for real science. Sometimes I even found some.
Dr. William Close is my hero. Just sayin'. The world lost a real medical hero when he died.
Today, I am finding that my odd "hobby" has a place. This is nothing I ever expected.
So if you read my blog and find that you are confused by the screaming reports that seem to be fielded by everyone with an agenda that has nothing to do with Ebola and everything to do with scaring you, I might be able to help.
Can Ebola spread through air? No. For some years there was a theory that a nurse named Mayinga might have gotten the disease as she cared for a Belgian nursing Sister in Ngaliema. The thepry was that young Mayinga had observed the requirements of barrier nursing. The fact was that barrier nursing procedures were not in place at the time that Mayinga cared for the Belgian Sister. Dr. Margarethe Issacson- one of the first to respond to the outbreak, insured that barrier nursing would be in place.
A novel by Tom Clancy theorized a "Mayinga Strain" of Ebola. There was never any such thing. A brilliant novel does not fact make. PERIOD.
That guy in Texas infected EVERYBODY!!! No. As I write this, the family members- those who were closest to the acknowledged patient- have had no symptoms. While we have to wait out the prodrome, Ebola moves faster, generally.
Surveillance is just that. A group that we consider. We watch and consider. People who came in contact with that guy in Texas.
Ebola has morphed and can spread through the air!!! Umm. No. Near as I can tell that thinking is based in Richard Preston's telling of Reston Ebola outbreak in a monkey quarantine location in Reston. While that virus was deadly to monkeys, it never spread to a single human.
Ebola is going to kill us all!!! Not according to my Magic 8-Ball. What CAN kill is a lack of information combined with a lack of trust.
This is hard. There are NO easy answers. Many don't believe that the Government is giving us good info and really we want to know that we won't die bleeding from every orifice.
Ebola is a "stuffy" virus. It wants everything to be what it wants in order to invade a new host.
People tell me that docs and nurses who KNOW barrier nursing would NEVER allow a break. Not true. The most casual break can be the portal for a sub-microscopic virus.
Crossing a barrier is too easy. Touching oneself is a way of grounding- a way to "feel" centered. Unfortunately, that can also mean that the barrier is broken.
Finally, ADHD does NOT cause Ebola. But an ADHDer might help you understand it.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Letting Go and Going On
On August 31 I will celebrate my fourth Wedding Anniversary. On September 4 I will acknowledge that my husband has been gone four years.
If you do the math, I was married roughly four days to a living man. If you see it through my eyes, I have been married nearly four years. Legally. My husband and I were together for nearly six years. We were engaged for most of that time. To both of us, the engagement WAS the marriage- with jewelry. We had been married long before the diamond showed up.
I realize that there are those who would suggest that my loss is somehow less valid because my husband and I were not given the luxury of more years. There are those who would suggest that I should somehow "be over" the loss because he has been gone so long. I would suggest to those that they shut the F up.
Today I gave several things that belonged to my husband to a friend of ours who will manage them responsibly. That friend drove over 2,000 miles to take possession of these things and told me how he will manage transporting and handling them. There is no question in my mind that these things will be handled responsibly and with respect.
And yet...
My step-son and mother-in-law both demanded that they be given the things that my husband had that they wanted within the first month of his death. I complied with those demands.
What is left are things that my step-son would like to sell- because they mean nothing to him. While those things have a financial value, that value is insignificant in view of other- and more important - points. And all these things mean something to me.
Today has been difficult and ugly in many ways. I let go of things that my husband loved. It was like losing him all over again. Right now, I hate everything. I'm second-guessing myself, I worry that I didn't get every possible "buy-in" from people who don't live here. I worry about the fact that I don't care about them.
There are more things that I will need to deal with and deal with reasonably soon. I have been managing pneumonia lately and find that I have lost some ability to breathe and function as a result. This tells me that I need to understand what it will mean to go on.
I need to get rid of "stuff". I need to live more simply. I know this. But doing the thing I know leaves me anxious and bereft.
There are no easy answers.
If you do the math, I was married roughly four days to a living man. If you see it through my eyes, I have been married nearly four years. Legally. My husband and I were together for nearly six years. We were engaged for most of that time. To both of us, the engagement WAS the marriage- with jewelry. We had been married long before the diamond showed up.
I realize that there are those who would suggest that my loss is somehow less valid because my husband and I were not given the luxury of more years. There are those who would suggest that I should somehow "be over" the loss because he has been gone so long. I would suggest to those that they shut the F up.
Today I gave several things that belonged to my husband to a friend of ours who will manage them responsibly. That friend drove over 2,000 miles to take possession of these things and told me how he will manage transporting and handling them. There is no question in my mind that these things will be handled responsibly and with respect.
And yet...
My step-son and mother-in-law both demanded that they be given the things that my husband had that they wanted within the first month of his death. I complied with those demands.
What is left are things that my step-son would like to sell- because they mean nothing to him. While those things have a financial value, that value is insignificant in view of other- and more important - points. And all these things mean something to me.
Today has been difficult and ugly in many ways. I let go of things that my husband loved. It was like losing him all over again. Right now, I hate everything. I'm second-guessing myself, I worry that I didn't get every possible "buy-in" from people who don't live here. I worry about the fact that I don't care about them.
There are more things that I will need to deal with and deal with reasonably soon. I have been managing pneumonia lately and find that I have lost some ability to breathe and function as a result. This tells me that I need to understand what it will mean to go on.
I need to get rid of "stuff". I need to live more simply. I know this. But doing the thing I know leaves me anxious and bereft.
There are no easy answers.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
There Are Elephants in this Room
To my mind, it is time to declare a moratorium on elephants in rooms and let them into fields to be free. On the downside, this means that we have to get honest- and perhaps brutally so. We will have to talk about difficult subjects at a level deeper than the lip-service that has become popular. Additionally, we also have to forgo the ever-so-popular civil disobedience.
In short, we have to decide that the issue is important enough to take a stand in a very unpopular way. We need to responsibly speak up- and then stand our ground. We have to decide that stigma can no longer be tolerated and that people who live with mental health issues be allowed a safe place to discuss them.
Lovely pipe dream. *sigh*
My ADHD life includes some lovely side effects. While ADHD itself is a neuro-biological differentiation. it usually brings "friends" along with it. Those "friends" are called co-morbids and they live in the Mental Health spectrum.
ADHD carries along "the three D's". They are Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, and Dysgraphia. I have Dyscalculia and, to an extent, Dysgraphia. In short, I am wicked ugly with numbers and I can only write because I can draw.
Dyscalculia is number confusion. Math leaves me in a cold sweat and I transpose and substitute numbers routinely. I can't balance as much as a checkbook because I am bewildered by numbers of any kind.
Dyslexia is letter confusion. Letters flip about and become incomprehensible. Written communication becomes a horrific mine field and reading can be nearly impossible. Some report that even pictographs are confusing.
Dysgraphia is a challenge of writing and fine motor skills. I was taught to "draw" rather than to try to "write". I was blessed with people who taught me to see the task differently as a way to master it.
With the "three D's" more complex issues exist and thrive. Among others, they include depression, anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, substance abuse (frequently as self medication) and more.
Just to keep everything fun, ADHD is often considered to be nothing much and people who live with it to be "drug seekers"because the medications that are generally most helpful are also stimulants.
So a person with ADHD doesn't just have to try to deal with their non-existent social skills, whatever co-morbids are tagging along, and often crippling impulsivity, they are told that their only problem is that they don't try hard enough and they need to "get over it" because ADHD isn't real (it is), is over diagnosed (it isn't) and EVERYONE has issues (they do- but that doesn't negate mine).
What I'm saying is that we can't have serious discussions about mental health without recognizing that there is some mental illness that we don't want to discuss. We have to understand that real people have real experience and that some of it makes some folks uncomfortable- but those people need to have a safe space to relate their experience too.
Mental health doesn't pick and choose. It doesn't target only the thin, beautiful, talented, or socially accepted. It gets some of those, but it gets a bunch of us "regular folks" as well.
In order to have any credible discussion of mental health, we have to become willing to challenge preconceptions and stop the disbelief. The experience of the individual has to be considered and valued. The stigma must end.
In the perfect world, stigma around mental illness would end and the elephants in the room be allowed to roam free.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
ADHD Isn't REAL
EVERYONE has problems remembering.
EVERYONE has problems managing time.
EVERYONE is socially awkward.
EVERYONE gets distracted.
EVERYONE has problems staying on task.
YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT.
*sigh*
Isn't this kind of like telling the autistic to "suck it up?"
The history of ADHD suffers by a myriad of definitions and the scholars that use these definitions. In 1967 I was diagnosed with "Minimal Brain Dysfunction". The theory was that it would "go away" at age 12 or so. Didn't happen.
Later it was Attention Deficit Disorder. That didn't work either. It didn't take onto account issues of hyperactivity or impulsivity that were a part of the lives of the people who live with the disorder.
Still later it was Attention Deficit, Hyperactivity Disorder. That brought on complaints as well. For many, hyperactivity had been tempered by age. Impulsivity hadn't gone anywhere and the hyperactivity had been refined by time and social modeling. Many believed that "ADHD" didn't define their experience.
To this day we see people who define themselves as "Primarily Inattentive". The DSM has a rather narrow band of descriptors that clarify impulsivity and most who fight with impulsivity would prefer to downplay that part of their reality.
Okay.
I have ADHD- Combined Type. At the age of 52 (well, nearly) I am still hyperactive. I fight daily with impulsivity. My attention is seldom.
Is that all there is?
Nope.
The average ADHDer lives with the equivalent of 100 television sets in their head. Those sets are ON 24/7 and they are all on a different channel.
Can you think functionally in that cacophony? Didn't think so.
We ADHDers MUST.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "That can't be possible!!!"
Want to live in MY brain for awhile?
Unless a disability is visible, it is ignorable. I know this to be a truth.
My friend Mike has been a quadriplegic since his teens. He is in his 50s today. He lives in a large motorized wheelchair. You would think that people would be willing to accept both his strengths and his limitations.
Not so much.
I've watched people trip over him and then get pissed because he didn't move out of their able-bodied way. I know he gets left out of social situations because of the way others perceive his limitations. In my perspective, he is limited by others- based on their beliefs about him.
My disability is in my brain and it affects how I am perceived. I personally know of two people who took my husband aside to advise him to get rid of me early-ish in our relationship. One did this on my birthday- when I would have liked my husband to be with me- my mother had died two months earlier. Hubby took the meeting because he thought the person could be helpful from a career perspective. What he got was a pissed off me- after hearing that an irrelevant someone else spent that time to tell him to get rid of me. That person was useless from a career perspective.
I'm open about my ADHD. That gives others permission to either disregard me entirely or assume I am functionally retarded.
That's special.
You don't have to believe that ADHD is real. You don't have to believe that gravity is real either. At the end of the day, your belief is meaningless.
EVERYONE has problems managing time.
EVERYONE is socially awkward.
EVERYONE gets distracted.
EVERYONE has problems staying on task.
YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT.
*sigh*
Isn't this kind of like telling the autistic to "suck it up?"
The history of ADHD suffers by a myriad of definitions and the scholars that use these definitions. In 1967 I was diagnosed with "Minimal Brain Dysfunction". The theory was that it would "go away" at age 12 or so. Didn't happen.
Later it was Attention Deficit Disorder. That didn't work either. It didn't take onto account issues of hyperactivity or impulsivity that were a part of the lives of the people who live with the disorder.
Still later it was Attention Deficit, Hyperactivity Disorder. That brought on complaints as well. For many, hyperactivity had been tempered by age. Impulsivity hadn't gone anywhere and the hyperactivity had been refined by time and social modeling. Many believed that "ADHD" didn't define their experience.
To this day we see people who define themselves as "Primarily Inattentive". The DSM has a rather narrow band of descriptors that clarify impulsivity and most who fight with impulsivity would prefer to downplay that part of their reality.
Okay.
I have ADHD- Combined Type. At the age of 52 (well, nearly) I am still hyperactive. I fight daily with impulsivity. My attention is seldom.
Is that all there is?
Nope.
The average ADHDer lives with the equivalent of 100 television sets in their head. Those sets are ON 24/7 and they are all on a different channel.
Can you think functionally in that cacophony? Didn't think so.
We ADHDers MUST.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "That can't be possible!!!"
Want to live in MY brain for awhile?
Unless a disability is visible, it is ignorable. I know this to be a truth.
My friend Mike has been a quadriplegic since his teens. He is in his 50s today. He lives in a large motorized wheelchair. You would think that people would be willing to accept both his strengths and his limitations.
Not so much.
I've watched people trip over him and then get pissed because he didn't move out of their able-bodied way. I know he gets left out of social situations because of the way others perceive his limitations. In my perspective, he is limited by others- based on their beliefs about him.
My disability is in my brain and it affects how I am perceived. I personally know of two people who took my husband aside to advise him to get rid of me early-ish in our relationship. One did this on my birthday- when I would have liked my husband to be with me- my mother had died two months earlier. Hubby took the meeting because he thought the person could be helpful from a career perspective. What he got was a pissed off me- after hearing that an irrelevant someone else spent that time to tell him to get rid of me. That person was useless from a career perspective.
I'm open about my ADHD. That gives others permission to either disregard me entirely or assume I am functionally retarded.
That's special.
You don't have to believe that ADHD is real. You don't have to believe that gravity is real either. At the end of the day, your belief is meaningless.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
I Am Responsible
I hear this routinely. "You think that ADHD means that you don't have to take responsibility!" "It's just an excuse!"
Well, no. ADHD might help to explain what is going on. The ADHDer is still responsible. According to my mother, there is no such thing as a good excuse.
So what is responsibility? Let's look at it.
A friend of mine complained that her ADHD hubby couldn't load the dishwasher properly. She was frustrated because she had told him repeatedly how to do it. One day the light went on for her and she took a picture of the dishwasher properly loaded. Problem solved.
So who owned the problem and who owned the responsibility?
She owned the problem. He was trying to do the right thing but, because of ADHD, couldn't be successful. She solved the problem by giving him a "map" for success. He took that additional information- that he was able to use- and followed through. Net result? She owned her responsibility and gave him a path to success. He owned his responsibility by continuing to try, and ultimately being successful.
Here's a tougher one, taken from the pages of Tom Brokaw's "The Greatest Generation" One of the people he profiled stuck his head up a bit too far in his foxhole. He was shot cleanly through the brain, resulting in the loss of his sight.
On his return to the States, he worked at what he COULD- accepting that there were professions that he couldn't participate in because of his blindness. Nevertheless, he found a profession that he could be very successful in.
In his interview with Mr. Brokaw, he attributed his blindness not to the misfortunes of war or Hitler or the German who fired on him. Instead, he said that he was sitting too high in his foxhole and should have been lower.
He was responsible. He accepted that.
ADHDers live with responsibility. They also live with failure. This leads, frequently, to the anxiety that we have discussed in another blog.
I was taught from way young that failure to appear on time was me telling others that they are unimportant. I have no real sense of time but developed incredible anxiety around time. If I can't be on time for something, I frequently won't go at all. I rarely accept invitations that have a time attached because I know what I'm not good at. To me, this is taking responsibility.
I am being responsible because I am not making a commitment to being wherever "on time". I don't trust that I can meet the requirement so I simply don't make the commitment.
Downside? I only commit to things I believe I can manage. The list is short and gets shorter by the day.
I'm an ADHDer. I know what I CAN and what I CAN'T do. I am responsible for knowing the difference, I am responsible for managing and communicating what I know. When I do this successfully, I can manage my anxiety.
ADHD is never a free pass. It MAY be an explanation. It is NOT an excuse.
Well, no. ADHD might help to explain what is going on. The ADHDer is still responsible. According to my mother, there is no such thing as a good excuse.
So what is responsibility? Let's look at it.
A friend of mine complained that her ADHD hubby couldn't load the dishwasher properly. She was frustrated because she had told him repeatedly how to do it. One day the light went on for her and she took a picture of the dishwasher properly loaded. Problem solved.
So who owned the problem and who owned the responsibility?
She owned the problem. He was trying to do the right thing but, because of ADHD, couldn't be successful. She solved the problem by giving him a "map" for success. He took that additional information- that he was able to use- and followed through. Net result? She owned her responsibility and gave him a path to success. He owned his responsibility by continuing to try, and ultimately being successful.
Here's a tougher one, taken from the pages of Tom Brokaw's "The Greatest Generation" One of the people he profiled stuck his head up a bit too far in his foxhole. He was shot cleanly through the brain, resulting in the loss of his sight.
On his return to the States, he worked at what he COULD- accepting that there were professions that he couldn't participate in because of his blindness. Nevertheless, he found a profession that he could be very successful in.
In his interview with Mr. Brokaw, he attributed his blindness not to the misfortunes of war or Hitler or the German who fired on him. Instead, he said that he was sitting too high in his foxhole and should have been lower.
He was responsible. He accepted that.
ADHDers live with responsibility. They also live with failure. This leads, frequently, to the anxiety that we have discussed in another blog.
I was taught from way young that failure to appear on time was me telling others that they are unimportant. I have no real sense of time but developed incredible anxiety around time. If I can't be on time for something, I frequently won't go at all. I rarely accept invitations that have a time attached because I know what I'm not good at. To me, this is taking responsibility.
I am being responsible because I am not making a commitment to being wherever "on time". I don't trust that I can meet the requirement so I simply don't make the commitment.
Downside? I only commit to things I believe I can manage. The list is short and gets shorter by the day.
I'm an ADHDer. I know what I CAN and what I CAN'T do. I am responsible for knowing the difference, I am responsible for managing and communicating what I know. When I do this successfully, I can manage my anxiety.
ADHD is never a free pass. It MAY be an explanation. It is NOT an excuse.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Anxiety And You!
As I get older I find that I have to deal with anxiety more and more. The "why" of it is a point of discussion. ADHD may CAUSE anxiety due to repeated failure. The anxiety is a result of ADHD. Anxiety may also be a common co-morbid of ADHD- General Anxiety Disorder may also be an element of ADHD. Which is correct? Dunno. Don't know that I care as long as we recognize the beast for what it is and figure out what the right way to deal with it is.
I personally am incredibly sensitive to anything that manages anxiety. The common pharmaceuticals are benzodiazipenes like Valium and Atavan. These interventions often increase my anxiety. I don't use them. Keep in mind that these are reasonable and viable interventions and every person is different.
What I am left with is trying desperately to manage my anxiety that can go out of control for what may seem like no reason. Well, no reason if you don't live in my brain.
As a side note, let's look at what anxiety is.
Dictionary.com tells us that it is a feeling of unease. In another tense, it may be a compulsion to do something in an effort to complete a job correctly. While close, neither of these come close to the anxiety I'm thinking of.
When I am dealing with anxiety, it is soul-killing, destructive, and immobilizing. Fighting it off and doing the thing that is the cause of the anxiety doesn't result in empowerment, it results in more anxiety.
An example...
I want to visit my husband's grave. I know that this will require a two hour drive. I know that, right now, this means that I will have to drive through some ugly road construction in order to get to the cemetery. I know that I need to keep the things I can as familiar as possible.
So I've done everything I can to make the trip as functional as possible. I've packed the truck, checked the weather reports, have a clear sense of what I am going to do and how. I finally open the garage door, ready to back out and go- and stop. The fears that keep me from getting into the truck are multitudinous. It takes me an easy ten minutes to get into the truck.
I need to stop and get cash and top off the tank. At any point, I will turn around and go home. I get what I need and move on.
Within ten miles of home I wanted to turn around. So I made a deal with myself- I would keep going if I could set my cruise control and not have to change it.
I made it to Duluth. I was able to get to the cemetery. I was able to spend as much time there as I wanted.
Coming home I had to fight off visions of dead cats and a burned out home. That was fun.
So I'm obviously writing this post. My cats are sleeping- Callie in her kitty bed, Minou on the sofa beside me. Am I less anxious?
The sad answer is, "No".
ADHDers have to deal with anxiety every single day. It can be a massive de-motivator and it can also keep us from doing any and every thing.
The only way I know of it to test the things that make us anxious. AND to be aware of things that can't be tested.
When I couldn't manage to change my license plates- required by law every seven years in Minnesota- I was ready to sell the truck and hide in my house. While this might look like an easy solve to most, I COULDN'T solve it without help. Thankfully for me, my friends Sandy and Bob were willing to help.
I was given a ton of advice from friends. Mostly, it consisted of drive illegally until you get to someone who can fix this. What no one understood was that I could not do this. The anxiety would not let me out of the driveway. Truthfully, even letting the truck out of the garage was nearly impossible.
ADHD comes with anxiety. Think of it as a package deal. Managing it isn't easy.
I personally am incredibly sensitive to anything that manages anxiety. The common pharmaceuticals are benzodiazipenes like Valium and Atavan. These interventions often increase my anxiety. I don't use them. Keep in mind that these are reasonable and viable interventions and every person is different.
What I am left with is trying desperately to manage my anxiety that can go out of control for what may seem like no reason. Well, no reason if you don't live in my brain.
As a side note, let's look at what anxiety is.
Dictionary.com tells us that it is a feeling of unease. In another tense, it may be a compulsion to do something in an effort to complete a job correctly. While close, neither of these come close to the anxiety I'm thinking of.
When I am dealing with anxiety, it is soul-killing, destructive, and immobilizing. Fighting it off and doing the thing that is the cause of the anxiety doesn't result in empowerment, it results in more anxiety.
An example...
I want to visit my husband's grave. I know that this will require a two hour drive. I know that, right now, this means that I will have to drive through some ugly road construction in order to get to the cemetery. I know that I need to keep the things I can as familiar as possible.
So I've done everything I can to make the trip as functional as possible. I've packed the truck, checked the weather reports, have a clear sense of what I am going to do and how. I finally open the garage door, ready to back out and go- and stop. The fears that keep me from getting into the truck are multitudinous. It takes me an easy ten minutes to get into the truck.
I need to stop and get cash and top off the tank. At any point, I will turn around and go home. I get what I need and move on.
Within ten miles of home I wanted to turn around. So I made a deal with myself- I would keep going if I could set my cruise control and not have to change it.
I made it to Duluth. I was able to get to the cemetery. I was able to spend as much time there as I wanted.
Coming home I had to fight off visions of dead cats and a burned out home. That was fun.
So I'm obviously writing this post. My cats are sleeping- Callie in her kitty bed, Minou on the sofa beside me. Am I less anxious?
The sad answer is, "No".
ADHDers have to deal with anxiety every single day. It can be a massive de-motivator and it can also keep us from doing any and every thing.
The only way I know of it to test the things that make us anxious. AND to be aware of things that can't be tested.
When I couldn't manage to change my license plates- required by law every seven years in Minnesota- I was ready to sell the truck and hide in my house. While this might look like an easy solve to most, I COULDN'T solve it without help. Thankfully for me, my friends Sandy and Bob were willing to help.
I was given a ton of advice from friends. Mostly, it consisted of drive illegally until you get to someone who can fix this. What no one understood was that I could not do this. The anxiety would not let me out of the driveway. Truthfully, even letting the truck out of the garage was nearly impossible.
ADHD comes with anxiety. Think of it as a package deal. Managing it isn't easy.
Monday, July 21, 2014
What I Did For... What?
I've been told all my life to do things. Sit up straight, mind your manners, write thank you notes to imaginary(?!) family who theoretically did something for you. I was required to be perpetually thankful for things I didn't understand.
I clearly recall being at my Aunt Betty's farm and having been squashed for hours and days. I finally found a swing in a branch and wanted to be in it.
At the same time as I finally found the swing, my Uncle Gil- a very talented photographer- wanted to take pictures of my sisters and I together.
At six or seven, I had no ability to manage how I felt or how it showed.
Uncle Gil snapped photos as if I was a willing participant- I wasn't. I had to write letters of apology for about a month afterward.
From that point on, I "managed" anyone with a camera. I provided the appropriate "smile and happy" and then ran like hell. I recall having to pose for the church directory. I was done in three shots. My family? Closer to forty- and there were only seven of us. Look this way and smile? Kay. Look that way and smile? Kay. Look this other way and smile? Kay. Oh look, we're done.
Thank God.
To this day I despise pictures in any form or fashion.
If you have ADHD, you are bombarded with someone else's beliefs about who and what you are and should be. If you have ADHD you probably don't have much self esteem to guide you. This may suck.
My approach- pissing everyone off, regardless- was not functional.
What I did? Try. I gave my best. I learned to ignore negative reviews.
If you live with ADHD you get told constantly that your neurobiological differentiation doesn't exist. You're told that by people who have never looked at a swing like salvation, only to be told that it was a new prison.
I will never forget the hours I was required to write hundreds of letters of apology... for being me.
I clearly recall being at my Aunt Betty's farm and having been squashed for hours and days. I finally found a swing in a branch and wanted to be in it.
At the same time as I finally found the swing, my Uncle Gil- a very talented photographer- wanted to take pictures of my sisters and I together.
At six or seven, I had no ability to manage how I felt or how it showed.
Uncle Gil snapped photos as if I was a willing participant- I wasn't. I had to write letters of apology for about a month afterward.
From that point on, I "managed" anyone with a camera. I provided the appropriate "smile and happy" and then ran like hell. I recall having to pose for the church directory. I was done in three shots. My family? Closer to forty- and there were only seven of us. Look this way and smile? Kay. Look that way and smile? Kay. Look this other way and smile? Kay. Oh look, we're done.
Thank God.
To this day I despise pictures in any form or fashion.
If you have ADHD, you are bombarded with someone else's beliefs about who and what you are and should be. If you have ADHD you probably don't have much self esteem to guide you. This may suck.
My approach- pissing everyone off, regardless- was not functional.
What I did? Try. I gave my best. I learned to ignore negative reviews.
If you live with ADHD you get told constantly that your neurobiological differentiation doesn't exist. You're told that by people who have never looked at a swing like salvation, only to be told that it was a new prison.
I will never forget the hours I was required to write hundreds of letters of apology... for being me.
Friday, July 18, 2014
The &*$V&$#c Frustration Zone
Have ADHD? You know how damaging frustration is. It tears your insides to tiny pieces- as you watch current media minimize real frustration into a cuddly furry moment with an idiot stuffed kangaroo icon.
If you're an ADHDer, frustration is a searing pain- and anger your only defense.
To others, ADHDers look out of control. We're treated that way too. We aren't. Depending on the thing that has beat us to crap, we just need someone to understand what has tossed us off balance.
This isn't going to happen, in general. ADHDers are generally not accepted by the mainstream. WE need to control ourselves, the world that is driving us to madness is just fine.
Well sht.
Frustration can have a hundred etiologies. Many ADHDers- like me- are sensitive to sound. I recall a time that I became hugely over sensitive to the horrific noise emanating from the neighbor's townhouse. I ended up bruised all over because I couldn't deal with the sound and couldn't make it stop. Hubby thought I was being ridiculous.
He learned and that was good. My neighbors still consider abusive sound acceptable. I have learned to hide in the garage. If you read this blog, you know that my husband died in 2010. My neighbors- aware of the difficulty their noise produces, continue to be oblivious.
*sigh*
Along with sound, we can be sensitive to vibration. Things that don't "feel" right are often problematic. To our detriment, this can include railroad crossings where a blast from the conductor's horn can be jarring.
What has this all to do with frustration? Simple, really. Frustration exhibits as anger or anxiety. If you are like me, you have learned that anger is a no-no. Therefore anxiety is what is left. NOT pretty. Truthfully, quite ugly.
ADHDers live in the frustration zone way too often. While I don't have solutions, I have suggestions.
I believe in "Stuffed Animal Tossing". I participated in this while with a former contract. When I found myself wanting to KILL my business partner, I threw every stuffed animal I owned at the closest available wall. Soon, my co-workers could tell exactly who I was on the phone with based on the stuffed animal carnage.
I engage in therapeutic "China Tossing". Every thrift store or garage sale will yield cheap breakables that will cost little but will provide a balm on the soul. Simply create a safe space, don the safety glasses, and shatter stuff!
At the end, you will spend a ton of time insuring that you have cleared out the detritus of your frustration... but you will feel better than you would if you had b*tch-slapped another human being- even if you REALLY, REALLY wanted to- and they deserved it.
Living with ADHD means that most people will never understand the "busy" of your brain. Just an unfortunate fact.
Want to find others that live in your brain? Check out http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/
Friday, July 11, 2014
I Couldn't Sleep At All Last Night!
I don't remember the last time I woke up in the morning and felt that I had slept well. I don't know that it has ever happened.
My mother used to tell me that I slept less as an infant than any of her children. I would bet that I sleep less as an adult than any of my sisters.
Insomnia is a part of many ADHDer's lives. For myself and many others it is a battle fought nightly. Exhaustion isn't sufficient to overcome it, drugs are often ineffective against it. This is not helpful.
ADHDers tend to have "busy brains" that refuse to respect the need to re-charge or rest. We lay down to sleep and our brains go into overdrive. It is like being bombarded by a hundred televisions- each set to a different channel.
If you tend to anxiety, the channels are all tuned to the things that make you anxious. Have OCD? Those channels are tuned to your triggers. Depressed? Your channels attack like a thousand lions.
Anyone wonder why we have insomnia?
I don't have any good information on this one. I've tried any number of things- none that worked reliably.
What I can say is that if you have ADHD, you aren't alone in this.
In some ways, the harder challenge of chronic insomnia is the way people in your world deal with it. People who have never dealt with constant insomnia don't understand why you simply don't go to sleep. They see you exhausted and wonder why you don't take a nap. Worse, they see you nodding off and think you irresponsible for not getting a full night's sleep.
*sigh*
I don't know foolproof ways to sleep, but I do know that it isn't your fault. If you are like me, you spend a lot of time beating yourself up for not sleeping, failing to manage something that most people take pretty much for granted.
It's not your fault. It's how you are wired.
Some things that have been helpful for me include having a cup of coffee before bed, making sure that I have a sound source in the bedroom- TV, an MP3 player, white noise, and structure. Structure is going to bed every night at the same time.
That said, if you find yourself laying in bed for more than 20 minutes, get up. Find another place to be. Read the dictionary- and not online. I'm not kidding.
I survived school by being willing to read the dictionary. My Grandfather learned English by reading the dictionary. Fortunately, it tends to shut down the bust in your brain and will let you sleep.
Do I have answers? If I did, I wouldn't be going broke trying to cover up the circles under my eyes.
My mother used to tell me that I slept less as an infant than any of her children. I would bet that I sleep less as an adult than any of my sisters.
Insomnia is a part of many ADHDer's lives. For myself and many others it is a battle fought nightly. Exhaustion isn't sufficient to overcome it, drugs are often ineffective against it. This is not helpful.
ADHDers tend to have "busy brains" that refuse to respect the need to re-charge or rest. We lay down to sleep and our brains go into overdrive. It is like being bombarded by a hundred televisions- each set to a different channel.
If you tend to anxiety, the channels are all tuned to the things that make you anxious. Have OCD? Those channels are tuned to your triggers. Depressed? Your channels attack like a thousand lions.
Anyone wonder why we have insomnia?
I don't have any good information on this one. I've tried any number of things- none that worked reliably.
What I can say is that if you have ADHD, you aren't alone in this.
In some ways, the harder challenge of chronic insomnia is the way people in your world deal with it. People who have never dealt with constant insomnia don't understand why you simply don't go to sleep. They see you exhausted and wonder why you don't take a nap. Worse, they see you nodding off and think you irresponsible for not getting a full night's sleep.
*sigh*
I don't know foolproof ways to sleep, but I do know that it isn't your fault. If you are like me, you spend a lot of time beating yourself up for not sleeping, failing to manage something that most people take pretty much for granted.
It's not your fault. It's how you are wired.
Some things that have been helpful for me include having a cup of coffee before bed, making sure that I have a sound source in the bedroom- TV, an MP3 player, white noise, and structure. Structure is going to bed every night at the same time.
That said, if you find yourself laying in bed for more than 20 minutes, get up. Find another place to be. Read the dictionary- and not online. I'm not kidding.
I survived school by being willing to read the dictionary. My Grandfather learned English by reading the dictionary. Fortunately, it tends to shut down the bust in your brain and will let you sleep.
Do I have answers? If I did, I wouldn't be going broke trying to cover up the circles under my eyes.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Not a Fan of Change
I know, I know, I know. The only constant is change. *sigh*
Unfortunately, if you are an ADHDer, change is NOT your friend. Not at all.
These days, I'm terrified to watch the news. I don't want to know what new changes are headed my way. All paying attention does is make me want to hide under a rock somewhere.
Sudden change plays into my anxiety- the anxiety that is an offshoot of the ADHD in the first place. Unfortunately, we live in a world of sudden and constant change.
So now what?
If you're an ADHDer, you need structure- that you may hate- but absolutely must have. In a constantly changing world, the best defense starts at home.
Rigid structure is your friend. Pick a place for your keys and wallet and put those things there FIRST. Don't give in to messages that tell you that you will find them if you put them somewhere else, you won't.
A funny- back a few years ago I was in a contract that had me getting home after hubby. I would get home and put my purse in its corner, exchange a few pleasantries, and go upstairs to change and decompress. Hubby was the chef in our house so I generally had a good half hour before supper.
I would come back downstairs for supper and invariably, hubby and I would soon be arguing. Stupid stuff, all of it. Finally the light went on. He moved my purse.
Once we figured out what we were REALLY arguing about, we could fix the problem.
In short? If you live with a spouse and/or others, set those boundaries. I need things to be where I need them to be. When hubby was alive, we had those discussions. Since his death, I put things where I must have them and don't worry about them moving.
The places where I struggle with structure today is a sense of not caring. If I don't grocery shop on the day I have set, I can rationalize it. This proves that man is NOT a rational animal but a rationalizing animal. This doesn't work in my favor.
I think what I've learned is that even in my fifties, I have to be exceedingly careful. I need to constantly build structure and find ways that I can enforce it. The vigilance never ends.
Incidentally? If you find yourself wanting to hide under the bed because yet another thing is changing in your world, know that you are not alone. And sometimes, you may have to give in to the urge.
Want to learn more about ADHD or need support? Check out http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/
Unfortunately, if you are an ADHDer, change is NOT your friend. Not at all.
These days, I'm terrified to watch the news. I don't want to know what new changes are headed my way. All paying attention does is make me want to hide under a rock somewhere.
Sudden change plays into my anxiety- the anxiety that is an offshoot of the ADHD in the first place. Unfortunately, we live in a world of sudden and constant change.
So now what?
If you're an ADHDer, you need structure- that you may hate- but absolutely must have. In a constantly changing world, the best defense starts at home.
Rigid structure is your friend. Pick a place for your keys and wallet and put those things there FIRST. Don't give in to messages that tell you that you will find them if you put them somewhere else, you won't.
A funny- back a few years ago I was in a contract that had me getting home after hubby. I would get home and put my purse in its corner, exchange a few pleasantries, and go upstairs to change and decompress. Hubby was the chef in our house so I generally had a good half hour before supper.
I would come back downstairs for supper and invariably, hubby and I would soon be arguing. Stupid stuff, all of it. Finally the light went on. He moved my purse.
Once we figured out what we were REALLY arguing about, we could fix the problem.
In short? If you live with a spouse and/or others, set those boundaries. I need things to be where I need them to be. When hubby was alive, we had those discussions. Since his death, I put things where I must have them and don't worry about them moving.
The places where I struggle with structure today is a sense of not caring. If I don't grocery shop on the day I have set, I can rationalize it. This proves that man is NOT a rational animal but a rationalizing animal. This doesn't work in my favor.
I think what I've learned is that even in my fifties, I have to be exceedingly careful. I need to constantly build structure and find ways that I can enforce it. The vigilance never ends.
Incidentally? If you find yourself wanting to hide under the bed because yet another thing is changing in your world, know that you are not alone. And sometimes, you may have to give in to the urge.
Want to learn more about ADHD or need support? Check out http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/
Friday, July 4, 2014
Confirmation Bias and Me... And the Rest of the World
Unless you have been living under a rock or have better "IgnoreThis-Fu" than I, you know that recently the Supreme Court recently handed down a decision that would allow Hobby Lobby to not provide four different kinds of birth control without running afoul of ObamaCare.
And then all hell broke loose.
Depending on your favorite news source, this was either a great day or a day that will live in infamy.
Sigh.
What no one seems to have caught on to is that we have no REAL information on any of this. We don't know what the fundamentals of the case are, we don't know what was offered by Hobby Lobby in the past, we don't know what they intend to offer in the future, and we have no way to know what the impact of this will be on their employees.
How could this be possible???
The "news" is not the truth. Simple, really.
The definition of Confirmation Bias:
So why do I think this is important to ADHDers? A whole lot of reasons.
ADHDers are often challenged by social situations and social commentary. It isn't unusual for ADHDers to find themselves agreeing to things they don't really agree with. The socially challenged ADHDer finds themselves "going along to get along". Not good.
There are people now that I will not engage with at all. Their bias has not allowed them to see that I am open to discussion- but within a few parameters. My parameters are quite simple. I would like to discuss the issues but not my religion. I would like to have discussions that are based on fact, not assumption.
As an ADHDer, I fight a lot with just agreeing. It would be so much easier.. But I would never remember who I agreed with or about what.
What I have learned lately is that I need to just shut up. I need to keep to myself, not have an opinion. Don't ask for confirmation, don't ask for proof, and don't ask for anything that will enable me to have an opinion based on anything but the vituperation and celebration around me.
And they think ADHDers are strange?
And then all hell broke loose.
Depending on your favorite news source, this was either a great day or a day that will live in infamy.
Sigh.
What no one seems to have caught on to is that we have no REAL information on any of this. We don't know what the fundamentals of the case are, we don't know what was offered by Hobby Lobby in the past, we don't know what they intend to offer in the future, and we have no way to know what the impact of this will be on their employees.
How could this be possible???
The "news" is not the truth. Simple, really.
The definition of Confirmation Bias:
Confirmation bias refers to a type of selective thinking whereby one tends to notice and to look for what confirms one's beliefs, and to ignore, not look for, or undervalue the relevance of what contradicts one's beliefs. For example, if you believe that during a full moon there is an increase in admissions to the emergency room where you work, you will take notice of admissions during a full moon, but be inattentive to the moon when admissions occur during other nights of the month. A tendency to do this over time unjustifiably strengthens your belief in the relationship between the full moon and accidents and other lunar effects.http://www.skepdic.com/confirmbias.html - The Skeptic's Dictionary.
So why do I think this is important to ADHDers? A whole lot of reasons.
ADHDers are often challenged by social situations and social commentary. It isn't unusual for ADHDers to find themselves agreeing to things they don't really agree with. The socially challenged ADHDer finds themselves "going along to get along". Not good.
There are people now that I will not engage with at all. Their bias has not allowed them to see that I am open to discussion- but within a few parameters. My parameters are quite simple. I would like to discuss the issues but not my religion. I would like to have discussions that are based on fact, not assumption.
As an ADHDer, I fight a lot with just agreeing. It would be so much easier.. But I would never remember who I agreed with or about what.
What I have learned lately is that I need to just shut up. I need to keep to myself, not have an opinion. Don't ask for confirmation, don't ask for proof, and don't ask for anything that will enable me to have an opinion based on anything but the vituperation and celebration around me.
And they think ADHDers are strange?
Monday, June 30, 2014
Reality and Vaccination. Why Refuse to Believe?
On Friday, November 22, 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald shot and killed President John F. Kennedy as he passed in a motorcade in front of the Texas Book Depository on his way to the Dallas Trade Mart where he was scheduled to give a speech.
On Sunday. November 24, 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald was killed by local club proprietor Jack (Ruby) Rubenstein as he was being transferred from the the local police headquarters to the jail.
I was about 13 months old.
For a reason I have never understood, I needed to understand all this. I knew that it impacted my life but didn't know why. So I tried to understand. Reasonable when you consider that my father was a constant student of history. Dad's obsession with Lincoln was so great that my middle name was taken from General Robert E. Lee.
Umm... Dad? I'm a GIRL!!!
Moving on...
For the last 50 years, the theories of conspiracy around JFK's assassination have been boundless. Most of them have also been... ummm... witless.
So to me, the question to answer is, "WHY???"
Well, because.
I'm having to accept that the simplest answer often steps up to challenge your viewpoint- and moving past that might be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable often means that you won't go there. *sigh*
Lately I am feeling really challenged by people who refuse to vaccinate their children for the usual childhood diseases. Partly because those unvaccinated children are a health hazard to me. Mostly because those children may not die themselves but can contribute to the deaths of other children.
Like most children of the 60s, I was inoculated for everything known about at the time. I had Chicken Pox at 7 months old- too young for a vaccination. At eleven I was exposed to Chicken Pox- I already had it so I was safe... right? No. I got Shingles. I went through a hell that I will never be able to put in words. The femtosecond I was able to be vaccinated against Shingles after 50, I exposed my bicep and whined until I got the shot. I REFUSED to go through the hell of having Shingles again. I was two days past my 50th birthday. (you had to be at least 50 to get the shot- because it was obviously IMPOSSIBLE to get Shingles any younger.)
The most common idea is that vaccination of children will result in autism. Show me the science.
Autism, like ADHD is highly genetic. If your un-vaccinated kid ends up being autistic, you are fooked for something to blame. If your reasonably vaccinated kid has autism or ADHD- which we all know isn't real- then that Measles vaccination probably didn't change the genetics. But you have something to blame.
Huh??????
I lost out on the ability to have a relationship with my mother because I had to fight through her guilt and the crap she loaded on my sisters because I have ADHD. Back in the day, it was ALWAYS the Mom's fault and that left a mark. Dealing with this reality has been a little slice of, "Can I check out now?"
I was vaccinated half to death. Why? I caught EVERYTHING! I had pneumonia two or three times a year until I was eighteen or nineteen. I had Scarlet Fever. I had Croup until I was 12. And I had Shingles at eleven.
Conspiracy theories exist because people refuse to believe the evidence before them. Oswald couldn't possibly have acted alone because it takes more than one person to assassinate the President, RIGHT??? Proof is meaningless, comfort of thought is all important.
If you have a kid with ADHD, it isn't because you are a bad person. failed to look out for your child, or suck at life. You have a kid with ADHD. Kid has autism? All the same applies.
Quit with the need to set blame. PLEASE.
On Sunday. November 24, 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald was killed by local club proprietor Jack (Ruby) Rubenstein as he was being transferred from the the local police headquarters to the jail.
I was about 13 months old.
For a reason I have never understood, I needed to understand all this. I knew that it impacted my life but didn't know why. So I tried to understand. Reasonable when you consider that my father was a constant student of history. Dad's obsession with Lincoln was so great that my middle name was taken from General Robert E. Lee.
Umm... Dad? I'm a GIRL!!!
Moving on...
For the last 50 years, the theories of conspiracy around JFK's assassination have been boundless. Most of them have also been... ummm... witless.
So to me, the question to answer is, "WHY???"
Well, because.
I'm having to accept that the simplest answer often steps up to challenge your viewpoint- and moving past that might be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable often means that you won't go there. *sigh*
Lately I am feeling really challenged by people who refuse to vaccinate their children for the usual childhood diseases. Partly because those unvaccinated children are a health hazard to me. Mostly because those children may not die themselves but can contribute to the deaths of other children.
Like most children of the 60s, I was inoculated for everything known about at the time. I had Chicken Pox at 7 months old- too young for a vaccination. At eleven I was exposed to Chicken Pox- I already had it so I was safe... right? No. I got Shingles. I went through a hell that I will never be able to put in words. The femtosecond I was able to be vaccinated against Shingles after 50, I exposed my bicep and whined until I got the shot. I REFUSED to go through the hell of having Shingles again. I was two days past my 50th birthday. (you had to be at least 50 to get the shot- because it was obviously IMPOSSIBLE to get Shingles any younger.)
The most common idea is that vaccination of children will result in autism. Show me the science.
Autism, like ADHD is highly genetic. If your un-vaccinated kid ends up being autistic, you are fooked for something to blame. If your reasonably vaccinated kid has autism or ADHD- which we all know isn't real- then that Measles vaccination probably didn't change the genetics. But you have something to blame.
Huh??????
I lost out on the ability to have a relationship with my mother because I had to fight through her guilt and the crap she loaded on my sisters because I have ADHD. Back in the day, it was ALWAYS the Mom's fault and that left a mark. Dealing with this reality has been a little slice of, "Can I check out now?"
I was vaccinated half to death. Why? I caught EVERYTHING! I had pneumonia two or three times a year until I was eighteen or nineteen. I had Scarlet Fever. I had Croup until I was 12. And I had Shingles at eleven.
Conspiracy theories exist because people refuse to believe the evidence before them. Oswald couldn't possibly have acted alone because it takes more than one person to assassinate the President, RIGHT??? Proof is meaningless, comfort of thought is all important.
If you have a kid with ADHD, it isn't because you are a bad person. failed to look out for your child, or suck at life. You have a kid with ADHD. Kid has autism? All the same applies.
Quit with the need to set blame. PLEASE.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
My Keys, Wherefore Art Thou, My Keys???
I'm SO not Shakespeare.
Any time I leave this house, I have my keys. The reason I have my keys is that I obsess about my keys. I need to know at all times where my keys are and have them in a dependable location. If I can't find my keys, I will simply refuse to leave this house forever.
I have a carabiner clip on my purse that I hook my keys to any time they are not in the ignition of the truck. This way I can leave the house and know I can return to it. Ish. I also have a combination lock on my front door that only requires me to recall four digits. Except that the door is behind a hefty outer door that I insist on keeping locked. No key.
*sigh*
Like many ADHDers, I fight to remember things like my keys. Other things that I become obsessive of are my wallet, my checkbook, my shoes (!), my sweater, and my grocery bags.
I'm fighting anxiety right now because I have all my grocery bags in the house and they need to be in the truck- lest I forget them when I need to grocery shop again. Before I finish this blog I will need to take the bags to the truck or sleep will NOT happen.
That's the other side of the equation- anxiety.
ADHDers find that they live in the anxiety zone a lot. Things that NTs (Neuro-Typical) don't think much of are huge issues for us. We often become obsessive and compulsive, distrustful and irritable over things like the location of our keys, cars, files, and any of a number of things.
I know this to be truth- if I don't hook my keys to the clip that I have for this purpose, they will be utterly lost to me- even if they are in my purse. I have trained myself to find my keys in an expected location and I will never find them if they are somewhere else.
Sometimes this bites.
I can already hear the non ADHDers. "We forget our keys too!!!" Yeah, you do. But you don't go through the crap we do. NT's forget their keys and they are capable of figuring out where they last used said keys. They back-track and locate. They move on.
ADHDers? The first thing that happens is an incessant stream of self-talk that makes prison hazing look like a children's squabble. No one can beat the crap out of an ADHDer like an ADHDer.
Now that I have reduced myself to a pile of quivering poo- figuratively and possibly literally- I've lost something of myself. Over time, I lose a whole lot of me.
Because I live in a world that thinks that ADHD is somehow funny, I don't get many opportunities to regain any part of me.
Easier to find my keys.
Well snit!
Any time I leave this house, I have my keys. The reason I have my keys is that I obsess about my keys. I need to know at all times where my keys are and have them in a dependable location. If I can't find my keys, I will simply refuse to leave this house forever.
I have a carabiner clip on my purse that I hook my keys to any time they are not in the ignition of the truck. This way I can leave the house and know I can return to it. Ish. I also have a combination lock on my front door that only requires me to recall four digits. Except that the door is behind a hefty outer door that I insist on keeping locked. No key.
*sigh*
Like many ADHDers, I fight to remember things like my keys. Other things that I become obsessive of are my wallet, my checkbook, my shoes (!), my sweater, and my grocery bags.
I'm fighting anxiety right now because I have all my grocery bags in the house and they need to be in the truck- lest I forget them when I need to grocery shop again. Before I finish this blog I will need to take the bags to the truck or sleep will NOT happen.
That's the other side of the equation- anxiety.
ADHDers find that they live in the anxiety zone a lot. Things that NTs (Neuro-Typical) don't think much of are huge issues for us. We often become obsessive and compulsive, distrustful and irritable over things like the location of our keys, cars, files, and any of a number of things.
I know this to be truth- if I don't hook my keys to the clip that I have for this purpose, they will be utterly lost to me- even if they are in my purse. I have trained myself to find my keys in an expected location and I will never find them if they are somewhere else.
Sometimes this bites.
I can already hear the non ADHDers. "We forget our keys too!!!" Yeah, you do. But you don't go through the crap we do. NT's forget their keys and they are capable of figuring out where they last used said keys. They back-track and locate. They move on.
ADHDers? The first thing that happens is an incessant stream of self-talk that makes prison hazing look like a children's squabble. No one can beat the crap out of an ADHDer like an ADHDer.
Now that I have reduced myself to a pile of quivering poo- figuratively and possibly literally- I've lost something of myself. Over time, I lose a whole lot of me.
Because I live in a world that thinks that ADHD is somehow funny, I don't get many opportunities to regain any part of me.
Easier to find my keys.
Well snit!
Thursday, June 19, 2014
You Say Manipulate Like It's a Bad Thing
I'm going to tell you a secret about ADHDers. Something we rarely- if always- tell our loved ones. No worries, we're largely ignored so this is still a secret.
Just you and me, kay? Promise not to tell.
People with ADHD can be completely manipulated. Even better is that it will help the ADHDer and also any and every one around them.
It's a big secret. You have to promise never to tell.
Here it is. Ready???
Approve.
Tell an ADHDer they did good and they will break themselves to do it again.
So simple, so completely misunderstood.
When my husband and I first got together, I would try to help with chores. I stopped doing that because I could never be successful at it. Every effort was a new study in how I couldn't measure up. It didn't take long before I just slunk out of the room. I couldn't load the dishwasher correctly, couldn't clean the cat box correctly, couldn't even gather the garbage to go to the curb correctly.
I felt like a failure and had no way to redeem myself.
A couple of years later, hubby was PO'd because I refused to do anything around cleaning or maintaing the downstairs- or anywhere else. He couldn't wrap his mind around the idea that all he needed to do was not disapprove.
I told him repeatedly that all he needed to do was give me a positive. I would go from there. I will give you anything you ask if you tell me one time that I did it right.
When he got sick, I found myself stuck. He didn't understand his cancer and didn't want to. He knew that I had spent countless hours learning everything I could learn about his cancer and had cross checked everything I thought I knew. Without discussion or my permission, I was in charge of managing his care.
Well crap.
Something I struggle with today is that he died. Logically, I understand this. The totality of feeling isn't centered in logic. In my ADHD brain, I failed. I failed at the only important task I have ever been given- to keep my husband alive.
Yeah, I get the logic. I understand it and can parrot it's essence. Doesn't mean I buy in to that factual regurgitation.
What have I learned? Something I have always known.
If you want me to do something, tell me that I did it right. I will bust myself into pieces to do that thing over and over again. I will fight to hear that approval again.
If you can learn this about me, you can own me.
Unfortunately, not many will bother.
Just you and me, kay? Promise not to tell.
People with ADHD can be completely manipulated. Even better is that it will help the ADHDer and also any and every one around them.
It's a big secret. You have to promise never to tell.
Here it is. Ready???
Approve.
Tell an ADHDer they did good and they will break themselves to do it again.
So simple, so completely misunderstood.
When my husband and I first got together, I would try to help with chores. I stopped doing that because I could never be successful at it. Every effort was a new study in how I couldn't measure up. It didn't take long before I just slunk out of the room. I couldn't load the dishwasher correctly, couldn't clean the cat box correctly, couldn't even gather the garbage to go to the curb correctly.
I felt like a failure and had no way to redeem myself.
A couple of years later, hubby was PO'd because I refused to do anything around cleaning or maintaing the downstairs- or anywhere else. He couldn't wrap his mind around the idea that all he needed to do was not disapprove.
I told him repeatedly that all he needed to do was give me a positive. I would go from there. I will give you anything you ask if you tell me one time that I did it right.
When he got sick, I found myself stuck. He didn't understand his cancer and didn't want to. He knew that I had spent countless hours learning everything I could learn about his cancer and had cross checked everything I thought I knew. Without discussion or my permission, I was in charge of managing his care.
Well crap.
Something I struggle with today is that he died. Logically, I understand this. The totality of feeling isn't centered in logic. In my ADHD brain, I failed. I failed at the only important task I have ever been given- to keep my husband alive.
Yeah, I get the logic. I understand it and can parrot it's essence. Doesn't mean I buy in to that factual regurgitation.
What have I learned? Something I have always known.
If you want me to do something, tell me that I did it right. I will bust myself into pieces to do that thing over and over again. I will fight to hear that approval again.
If you can learn this about me, you can own me.
Unfortunately, not many will bother.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
My Get Up And Go Left Without Me!
Ever have one of those days when you just want to spend the day in your pajamas?
Ever have a week like that? A month? More?
The chores may scream out for attention like a bad trip through a haunted house but you are frozen in your ability to deal with that. You are stuck in inaction and incapable of moving forward. You hate this about yourself- but are incapable of doing anything about it.
Welcome to my world. If you have ADHD, this is a familiar world.
Today I wanted to get up and run errands. My brain made all these great plans. My brain wanted to get up and go but- SQUIRREL!!! I got distracted by something that made little sense but seemed imperative at the time.
Usually I have external requirements on Tuesdays. This week I had no such luck- but I had a belief that I could discipline myself to take forward action, regardless.
*sigh*
Motivation is a difficult thing for ADHDers. As in, we have little and what we have is easily overwhelmed by distraction. Without strong coping mechanisms, our ability to de-motivate is epic. Worse is that we can validate what we consider a "decision" to not do things as something other than what it is- an incapability to move forward independently.
So what do you do?
I think the key is figuring out what MOVES you. What can get you out of the jammies, away from the computer, shoved into the shower? Whatever that is, you have to USE it.
Am I great at this? Not hardly. What I am proposing is that I can become good at it if I set the right things in my path.
I don't know what that looks like just yet, but at least I know what I need to do and I am open to doing it. Even if it is merely taking my computer to the coffee shop (Yay Dunn Bros!) every morning. Finding ways to make myself accountable to doing something.
One way I can be accountable is to be accountable to the people who read here. I don't know if it will work, I just think it might be worth a try.
Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it works out.
Ever have a week like that? A month? More?
The chores may scream out for attention like a bad trip through a haunted house but you are frozen in your ability to deal with that. You are stuck in inaction and incapable of moving forward. You hate this about yourself- but are incapable of doing anything about it.
Welcome to my world. If you have ADHD, this is a familiar world.
Today I wanted to get up and run errands. My brain made all these great plans. My brain wanted to get up and go but- SQUIRREL!!! I got distracted by something that made little sense but seemed imperative at the time.
Usually I have external requirements on Tuesdays. This week I had no such luck- but I had a belief that I could discipline myself to take forward action, regardless.
*sigh*
Motivation is a difficult thing for ADHDers. As in, we have little and what we have is easily overwhelmed by distraction. Without strong coping mechanisms, our ability to de-motivate is epic. Worse is that we can validate what we consider a "decision" to not do things as something other than what it is- an incapability to move forward independently.
So what do you do?
I think the key is figuring out what MOVES you. What can get you out of the jammies, away from the computer, shoved into the shower? Whatever that is, you have to USE it.
Am I great at this? Not hardly. What I am proposing is that I can become good at it if I set the right things in my path.
I don't know what that looks like just yet, but at least I know what I need to do and I am open to doing it. Even if it is merely taking my computer to the coffee shop (Yay Dunn Bros!) every morning. Finding ways to make myself accountable to doing something.
One way I can be accountable is to be accountable to the people who read here. I don't know if it will work, I just think it might be worth a try.
Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it works out.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
No, It Really Is Painful
Recently someone asked me if I went to visit my husband's grave to satisfy my ego.
I am proud to say that I did not maul this person into insensibility. To be honest, I assumed that they were so insensitive that they wouldn't even notice.
So why do I go? I drive two hours- often difficult hours- just to get to the neighborhood. By the time I get there, I am often exhausted. All I want to do is become broccoli for the next several hours. I order in, turn on the TV, and try to shut my brain DOWN.
Sometimes I'm lucky, sometimes less so.
This time I didn't even get into town until after 4:00 p.m. I checked in to the hotel assuming that I would head for the cemetery. What actually happened was that I couldn't get near the cemetery due to repairs from the flood of 2012. The passage would be opened the next day.
OK, fine. I went back to the hotel.
I ordered the best sandwich on the planet from Hugo's and tried to relax. Very hard to do in Duluth. I sat outside and relived memories instead of being able to create new ones.
I slept for about two hours.
The next morning I headed to the cemetery as early as I could. I spent an hour and a half with Mike, making sure that his flowers were growing and that he had his flags and his birds and things he loved. Then I had to get out because a funeral was coming in and I didn't want to intrude on someone else's grief.
My plan was to go back before I left. The weather had other plans. It was raining at a good clip when I checked out and the forecast didn't indicate that waiting would produce any better result.
I hate when I have to leave without seeing him.
I had to fight the wind getting back home. Then I had to stop at the local grocery because I had no real food in the house- I was gone so everything got tossed before I left and I'm not good at food anyway.
I'm going back in July. I can't afford to do this more than once a month. I need to make a new placard for his basket this year. The sealant that I used in 2011 has failed.
Anyone think this is about my ego?
The someone who asked me the question was appalled when I asked her what planet she came from. She lives every day with her husband and her kids. She has no frame of reference for loss or grief. I have little doubt that she wonders about my sanity. She doesn't understand how pervasive grief is.
I try very hard to understand that limited perspective. Sometimes I am successful.
My mother died a scant year before my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My treasured aunt died just two months before, a good friend would die months later, and another friend a couple of months after that.
My husband died 13 months after his diagnosis, and my father 13 months after my husband's death.
Sometimes I feel a bit picked on. Anyone with a calendar could plan better than this.
Grief is an abandonment of ego. Coming to terms with crushing loss leaves you naked and sobbing and without defenses. If you are lucky, you will be afforded the time and space to recognize what your life will look like in the face of the loss.
I've not been lucky.
I am proud to say that I did not maul this person into insensibility. To be honest, I assumed that they were so insensitive that they wouldn't even notice.
So why do I go? I drive two hours- often difficult hours- just to get to the neighborhood. By the time I get there, I am often exhausted. All I want to do is become broccoli for the next several hours. I order in, turn on the TV, and try to shut my brain DOWN.
Sometimes I'm lucky, sometimes less so.
This time I didn't even get into town until after 4:00 p.m. I checked in to the hotel assuming that I would head for the cemetery. What actually happened was that I couldn't get near the cemetery due to repairs from the flood of 2012. The passage would be opened the next day.
OK, fine. I went back to the hotel.
I ordered the best sandwich on the planet from Hugo's and tried to relax. Very hard to do in Duluth. I sat outside and relived memories instead of being able to create new ones.
I slept for about two hours.
The next morning I headed to the cemetery as early as I could. I spent an hour and a half with Mike, making sure that his flowers were growing and that he had his flags and his birds and things he loved. Then I had to get out because a funeral was coming in and I didn't want to intrude on someone else's grief.
My plan was to go back before I left. The weather had other plans. It was raining at a good clip when I checked out and the forecast didn't indicate that waiting would produce any better result.
I hate when I have to leave without seeing him.
I had to fight the wind getting back home. Then I had to stop at the local grocery because I had no real food in the house- I was gone so everything got tossed before I left and I'm not good at food anyway.
I'm going back in July. I can't afford to do this more than once a month. I need to make a new placard for his basket this year. The sealant that I used in 2011 has failed.
Anyone think this is about my ego?
The someone who asked me the question was appalled when I asked her what planet she came from. She lives every day with her husband and her kids. She has no frame of reference for loss or grief. I have little doubt that she wonders about my sanity. She doesn't understand how pervasive grief is.
I try very hard to understand that limited perspective. Sometimes I am successful.
My mother died a scant year before my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My treasured aunt died just two months before, a good friend would die months later, and another friend a couple of months after that.
My husband died 13 months after his diagnosis, and my father 13 months after my husband's death.
Sometimes I feel a bit picked on. Anyone with a calendar could plan better than this.
Grief is an abandonment of ego. Coming to terms with crushing loss leaves you naked and sobbing and without defenses. If you are lucky, you will be afforded the time and space to recognize what your life will look like in the face of the loss.
I've not been lucky.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Working with ADHDers
Something that happens with ADHDers is that they go to college and de-compensate. Generally the kicker is around the new demands and the change of life and living.
Having lived through this, I started asking questions and expecting answers- that never came. I ran from college and went to a trade school where I became an LVN.
Oddly, I was still in a time where I didn't need a degree in Computer Science to work in IT. Technology became my home for nearly 20 years.
On the plus side, people tended to assume that people working in technology were not social mavens. That kept me safe for many years. It didn't keep me safe forever.
As an ADHDer, I never knew how to manage social interactions at work. On one hand, that wasn't a bad thing. I met my husband at work. On the other hand, it showcased my difficulty in dealing with social interactions and threw down a spotlight on that.
What I know today is that I can't go back to technology. I've been out of it for too long and I can't care about it the way I used to. That means that I can't bring the level of dedication necessary to the table. On the plus side, that means that I don't even try to win those roles. On the downside it means that I fight to find freelance roles in writing.
So how do you find a job in a world that believes that you need a college education to collect garbage?
If you are still at an age where you believe you can learn a trade, I suggest you set your browser to mikeroweWORKS.com. This foundation provides scholarships if you are willing to tell the Foundation why you deserve a chance.
The "Dirty Jobs" guy heard volumes from people who had jobs that were left alone- as unemployment was reaching double digits- because there was a belief that we are all too good to take these jobs, and/or college education was/is more important.
I would love to find a creative job. I have no college degree. I can't do what the trade school trained me for any more. At 52, I'm not exactly what anyone wants to hire. That doesn't mean that I am incapable or incompetent. It means that my time has passed.
mikeroweWORKS.com provides a way for ADHDers to find work- real work that pays a living wage- that can last longer than a degree. At the end of the day, alphabet soup is just a lunchtime thing.
People with ADHD are going to fight to find and keep jobs. Finding support is important and necessary. If you are willing to think out of the box, there are alternatives.
I wish I was a welder...
Having lived through this, I started asking questions and expecting answers- that never came. I ran from college and went to a trade school where I became an LVN.
Oddly, I was still in a time where I didn't need a degree in Computer Science to work in IT. Technology became my home for nearly 20 years.
On the plus side, people tended to assume that people working in technology were not social mavens. That kept me safe for many years. It didn't keep me safe forever.
As an ADHDer, I never knew how to manage social interactions at work. On one hand, that wasn't a bad thing. I met my husband at work. On the other hand, it showcased my difficulty in dealing with social interactions and threw down a spotlight on that.
What I know today is that I can't go back to technology. I've been out of it for too long and I can't care about it the way I used to. That means that I can't bring the level of dedication necessary to the table. On the plus side, that means that I don't even try to win those roles. On the downside it means that I fight to find freelance roles in writing.
So how do you find a job in a world that believes that you need a college education to collect garbage?
If you are still at an age where you believe you can learn a trade, I suggest you set your browser to mikeroweWORKS.com. This foundation provides scholarships if you are willing to tell the Foundation why you deserve a chance.
The "Dirty Jobs" guy heard volumes from people who had jobs that were left alone- as unemployment was reaching double digits- because there was a belief that we are all too good to take these jobs, and/or college education was/is more important.
I would love to find a creative job. I have no college degree. I can't do what the trade school trained me for any more. At 52, I'm not exactly what anyone wants to hire. That doesn't mean that I am incapable or incompetent. It means that my time has passed.
mikeroweWORKS.com provides a way for ADHDers to find work- real work that pays a living wage- that can last longer than a degree. At the end of the day, alphabet soup is just a lunchtime thing.
People with ADHD are going to fight to find and keep jobs. Finding support is important and necessary. If you are willing to think out of the box, there are alternatives.
I wish I was a welder...
Thursday, June 5, 2014
The Detritus of an ADHD Life
In case anyone has wondered, I am not Mrs. Immaculate. I'm not even Nancy Neat. I'm Tricia the Tornado.
My poor husband never understood this. I need to SEE stuff in order to deal with it. If I shove it all into places it can't be seen, I lose everything. He, on the other hand, needed everything to be tucked away in closets and drawers in order to be happy.
*sigh*
I discovered how pervasive this problem is in a bizarre way.
I live with two elderly cats. This means that I feed cats and I clean a cat box. And here is where the problem begins.
I thought I was being brilliant when I bought a bin to store cat litter... until I had to fill said bin. I can't lift most of the cat litter bins that are sold. Instead of getting rid of the bin when I discovered it wouldn't work for me, I left it in the misguided hope that I would adapt. After 50-odd years, you would think I would know better.
When I recently went to scoop the box I discovered that I was out of litter. How can this be? I have this huge bin! that I could not fill but never made go away.
*sigh*
My emergency litter stash came in handy... while I forgot to buy litter for the next three days. My cats are not happy with me.
While this crisis of waste was unfolding, a different problem was happening in the pantry.
I do grocery shopping every week- ish. The staple on my list is dry cat food. I know what they like and I go there to buy it. What I never do is remember that I already have three bags of it.
*sigh*
I know. A list would alleviate some of this. Unless you happen to live with my ADHD brain. Lists are an anathema to me. I make them, I take them, and I forget things regardless. In response, I have learned to hate lists.
I need to find a better way to manage. I also need to be nicer to myself when I run out of kitty litter and places to put the bags of food I constantly buy but won't need until next month. At least.
I understand the nature of the problem. Still trying to figure out how to deal with it.
*sigh*
My poor husband never understood this. I need to SEE stuff in order to deal with it. If I shove it all into places it can't be seen, I lose everything. He, on the other hand, needed everything to be tucked away in closets and drawers in order to be happy.
*sigh*
I discovered how pervasive this problem is in a bizarre way.
I live with two elderly cats. This means that I feed cats and I clean a cat box. And here is where the problem begins.
I thought I was being brilliant when I bought a bin to store cat litter... until I had to fill said bin. I can't lift most of the cat litter bins that are sold. Instead of getting rid of the bin when I discovered it wouldn't work for me, I left it in the misguided hope that I would adapt. After 50-odd years, you would think I would know better.
When I recently went to scoop the box I discovered that I was out of litter. How can this be? I have this huge bin! that I could not fill but never made go away.
*sigh*
My emergency litter stash came in handy... while I forgot to buy litter for the next three days. My cats are not happy with me.
While this crisis of waste was unfolding, a different problem was happening in the pantry.
I do grocery shopping every week- ish. The staple on my list is dry cat food. I know what they like and I go there to buy it. What I never do is remember that I already have three bags of it.
*sigh*
I know. A list would alleviate some of this. Unless you happen to live with my ADHD brain. Lists are an anathema to me. I make them, I take them, and I forget things regardless. In response, I have learned to hate lists.
I need to find a better way to manage. I also need to be nicer to myself when I run out of kitty litter and places to put the bags of food I constantly buy but won't need until next month. At least.
I understand the nature of the problem. Still trying to figure out how to deal with it.
*sigh*
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Dealing With The "What Is"
I got to the bank. I made the mortgage payment. I hate everything. Now I wonder.
So many of us have issues around managing complex issues. ADHDers routinely find that they depend on people who manage things that they find challenging.
My husband and I were the "perfect" couple. He could manage the analytical while I managed the creative. He built applications while I was his "User Experience" input.
Living with ADHD can leave one- this one- wondering if it might be a good idea to find someone to help me manage. I begin to think the answer is "yes". I find that I am tossed into a place of wanting to hide under the bed.
I WILL NOT MARRY AGAIN. Period and all the other necessary punctuation. Now I need to figure out what and who I need to hire.
What I have learned is that I have a place of confusion. I don't understand money or how to manage it. This is in the face of understanding things like how the market works. I have this marginal understanding but can't manage ... things.
In my mind I find myself trying to explain things to my Mike. Unfortunately I don't get answers and that frankly pisses me off.
Oh wait. He's dead.
I need help. Even if this current issue ends up being nothing, I have to admit this. I need help.
Well shit.
So many of us have issues around managing complex issues. ADHDers routinely find that they depend on people who manage things that they find challenging.
My husband and I were the "perfect" couple. He could manage the analytical while I managed the creative. He built applications while I was his "User Experience" input.
Living with ADHD can leave one- this one- wondering if it might be a good idea to find someone to help me manage. I begin to think the answer is "yes". I find that I am tossed into a place of wanting to hide under the bed.
I WILL NOT MARRY AGAIN. Period and all the other necessary punctuation. Now I need to figure out what and who I need to hire.
What I have learned is that I have a place of confusion. I don't understand money or how to manage it. This is in the face of understanding things like how the market works. I have this marginal understanding but can't manage ... things.
In my mind I find myself trying to explain things to my Mike. Unfortunately I don't get answers and that frankly pisses me off.
Oh wait. He's dead.
I need help. Even if this current issue ends up being nothing, I have to admit this. I need help.
Well shit.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
ADHD and Money Don't Mix... For Me
ADHDers live with a lack of Executive Function. Executive function manages- at a high level- time and memory along with cue comprehension. Toss on top that many- even most ADHDers live with dyslexia, dyscalculia, and/or dysgraphia.
I got dysgraphia and dyscalculia. I can't manage math to save my soul and can only write in longhand by drawing. I'm actually lucky. I know this about me.
On the downside, I am also unlucky. I don't have a way to manage numbers. When my husband was alive, he did this. Since his death, I have tried my best and failed miserably.
I'm currently in the unpleasant situation of having to deal with a lien on my bank accounts. This came as a complete surprise to me- don't they have to tell you before they do this kind of thing? Apparently not as my life attests.
Tomorrow I have to go to my bank and hopefully figure out how to deal with this. If I can't, I don't know what I will do next.
This day in my ADHD life is about trying to force myself to the bank in the morning. I've tried for three days to do this but have failed. I'm terrified of what I might learn and don't know how to deal with any of it. What I know is that I need to pay my bills and can't do that right now- because of this lien... that I know nothing about... but have to manage.
I want to crawl under a rock.
The projections of my mind leave me wondering where I will live. The idea of having to leave the home I shared with my Mike leaves me nauseous.
This only serves to support a destructive need to hide from everyone and everything.
I don't know how I am going to deal with the massive overwhelm that my current situation is. I would love to say that I will be fabulously organized about it all and have an action plan. I can't say that.
Somehow, I have to fight the massive anxiety and overwhelm and figure out what in hell is going on.
Wish me luck.
I got dysgraphia and dyscalculia. I can't manage math to save my soul and can only write in longhand by drawing. I'm actually lucky. I know this about me.
On the downside, I am also unlucky. I don't have a way to manage numbers. When my husband was alive, he did this. Since his death, I have tried my best and failed miserably.
I'm currently in the unpleasant situation of having to deal with a lien on my bank accounts. This came as a complete surprise to me- don't they have to tell you before they do this kind of thing? Apparently not as my life attests.
Tomorrow I have to go to my bank and hopefully figure out how to deal with this. If I can't, I don't know what I will do next.
This day in my ADHD life is about trying to force myself to the bank in the morning. I've tried for three days to do this but have failed. I'm terrified of what I might learn and don't know how to deal with any of it. What I know is that I need to pay my bills and can't do that right now- because of this lien... that I know nothing about... but have to manage.
I want to crawl under a rock.
The projections of my mind leave me wondering where I will live. The idea of having to leave the home I shared with my Mike leaves me nauseous.
This only serves to support a destructive need to hide from everyone and everything.
I don't know how I am going to deal with the massive overwhelm that my current situation is. I would love to say that I will be fabulously organized about it all and have an action plan. I can't say that.
Somehow, I have to fight the massive anxiety and overwhelm and figure out what in hell is going on.
Wish me luck.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Hurting to Remember
Last year I found it impossible to visit my husband's grave. I amused myself that this was because I had moved past the need or the desire. I pretended that it was quite acceptable for me to not go. I had any number of specious reasons- gas prices, difficulty, his parents- specifically his father's health, the flooding of the year before.
I hated myself for the coward I was being. Still do.
I can only visit my husband's grave during the thaw. The cemetery we chose was perfect for him- a view to the city he loved and close to the city he grew up in. A place he rode past on his bike every day for the years of his growing up. The place he said he wanted to be. A place two hours north of where I live. The place I will join him when I am not here.
I went back. I had to. For the first time since he died I reached out to a dear friend and asked for help. I needed her to go there- but I didn't know why.
My friend is an ADHDer too. She actually LIKES to drive. I can't hardly stand to. I drove to her house, she drove from there.
She gave me freedom in that time we spent together. Amazing freedom. A place to hurt- and let the hurt be part of living. A place to find joy in things that he and I would have found joy in. She expanded on the life that he and I shared by going places we always said we would but hadn't had time for.
She forced me be part of living. Not in any negative way, but in a healing one. She made me consider life outside of my accepted practice of checking into a hotel room and hiding under the bed. While I would have been content to order in and hide until I could go back to the cemetery, she suggested a bravery I didn't feel- that we should go out for dinner and enjoy it.
After dinner, she decided we needed to cross the Lift Bridge. In Duluth, the icon of icons is the Lift Bridge. Mike and I always said we would explore the other side- but never had.
We found a place to park and explore the Lake Superior beach. In the freaking cold, we picked up bits and pieces that I will cherish "forever" and pieces I could leave for my Mike.
We went back to the hotel and watched the greatest bad horror movie ever- "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra"- a b-movie so great- and so bad that other b-movies must cower in shame of it. You can find it on Netflix.
Having to leave the next morning was painful. I keep wanting to bring him back with me. I want him to be safe. I fight with the reality that he is gone.
My friend helped to bridge the reality with something new and novel- a place I had never heard of, but had great breakfast.
Driving home we sang to Simon and Garfunkel and Crosby, Stills Nash, and Young- the voices of our lives, the music of our generation. And Josh Garrels- a voice so unique I can't fully define it. Find him here: http://joshgarrels.com/
Having to leave my husband's grave still leaves a mark. I have been known to spend hours talking to him. I'm a rational person and I understand that he is gone. Doesn't change a thing.
I am grateful to my friend. She gave me a new way to celebrate the life Mike and I had- and a way to celebrate the life I still have. Even when I don't want to.
Friday, May 23, 2014
The "Generation We Are" Project
If you have been born, there is a seeming need to define you by your generation. We've seen the "Greatest Generation"- generally turn of the twentieth century to roughly 1949. These are the people who lived through WWI and WWII and the Great Depression. Tom Brokaw wrote two wonderful books about this generation- "The Greatest Generation" and "The Greatest Generation Speaks".
Fannie Flagg has written several books that directly speak to this generation and speak as well to the the bridge between this generation and the next- the Baby Boomers.
Boomers went to Vietnam and protested it. They wrote the anti-war songs, protested, sat in, and dropped out. They marched and some left the US for Canada or any friendly shore that would hide them from a draft to a war that wasn't a war but a Police Action.
In the middle was a blending. We called it the Korean War but it also was never a war. It too was a Police Action.
We left Vietnam in 1975 (considered to be the end of the Vietnam War). The next declaration of war wouldn't happen until Iraq invaded Kuwait. Desert Shield and Desert Storm. In it's way, this marked the beginning of actions based on terrorist acts that would be outwardly called terrorist acts.
It is said that the end of the Baby Boom generation was 1964. The next generation was called Gen X, followed by the Millennials.
What I am interested in are the stories of these generations. From the Boomers- I am one- to present day. Tell me YOUR story. What has your life been like, what were the influences, what shapes your thinking?
I'm a Boomer with ADHD. I fight with my brain on a daily basis- and know it. That said, I can speak to how I got this way- how I both chose the morals and values of my parents and how I chose to reject what I found to be unworkable.
My sisters are Boomers and Gen X. I see a difference in how we think- regardless of being raised by two of the Greatest Generation. Somehow, we are influenced by something.
I'm collecting stories. I want to hear yours.
Fannie Flagg has written several books that directly speak to this generation and speak as well to the the bridge between this generation and the next- the Baby Boomers.
Boomers went to Vietnam and protested it. They wrote the anti-war songs, protested, sat in, and dropped out. They marched and some left the US for Canada or any friendly shore that would hide them from a draft to a war that wasn't a war but a Police Action.
In the middle was a blending. We called it the Korean War but it also was never a war. It too was a Police Action.
We left Vietnam in 1975 (considered to be the end of the Vietnam War). The next declaration of war wouldn't happen until Iraq invaded Kuwait. Desert Shield and Desert Storm. In it's way, this marked the beginning of actions based on terrorist acts that would be outwardly called terrorist acts.
It is said that the end of the Baby Boom generation was 1964. The next generation was called Gen X, followed by the Millennials.
What I am interested in are the stories of these generations. From the Boomers- I am one- to present day. Tell me YOUR story. What has your life been like, what were the influences, what shapes your thinking?
I'm a Boomer with ADHD. I fight with my brain on a daily basis- and know it. That said, I can speak to how I got this way- how I both chose the morals and values of my parents and how I chose to reject what I found to be unworkable.
My sisters are Boomers and Gen X. I see a difference in how we think- regardless of being raised by two of the Greatest Generation. Somehow, we are influenced by something.
I'm collecting stories. I want to hear yours.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
ADHD Mothers and Daughters
We are all sons or daughters. We may be mothers. What we all are is people who try our tails off to please our mothers... and fathers- but I'll talk about them later.
When my mother went on her first date with my father, she was 16 and he, 17. When she came home from that date, she told my Grandmother that she was going to marry him. My Grandmother's response was that if she felt that way when she was 18, that was fine. It was 1946.
In 1948 my father and mother prepared to marry. It would be two more years before they did so- but not for trying.
In 1948 my uncle's plane- and occupants- were found and returned to the US from Japan for burial in a common grave at Jefferson Barracks in MO. My Grandparents had to travel to MO from New England for the burial of their only son. My parents put off their wedding.
In 1949, my father enlisted with the Air Force. He would be needed in Korea. A skirmish, not a war.
In July of 1950- after putting off the wedding twice, my parents were (finally) married.
My eldest sister was born in 54 but it wasn't until 61 that my elder sister was born. My mother felt like a failure because she hadn't been able to conceive for so long. What she wanted in all the world was to bring brilliant children- reflections of my father?- into the world. Not being able to conceive for all those years left a mark.
I was born in 62. From day one- according to my mother, I was different. This difference would press her to find out why I was different and to figure out how to "solve" that difference.
She had two more children- in 64 and 67. After her last, my father who wanted, "six, all girls", had to be satisfied with five.
In every birth order there are classifications. In ours- as far as I was always concerned, it was easy. Nancy was the eldest, Wendy was mommy's miracle, Janet was daddy's miracle, Marcie was the baby. I was the mistake.
I was diagnosed with MBD- Minimal Brain Dysfunction in June of 1967. I was four years old. Diagnosis was based on an EEG- a method believed to be viable for another twenty years by some sources. At the time, MBD was thought to be something that one grew out of. At best, it was considered to be incidental. Ish.
I was on Ritalin as a child. It worked. No one ever told me what I was dealing with. Many years later, I asked my eldest sister what was wrong with me. She told me that I had MBD but it was nothing to worry about, I had grown out of it, and it was a mild case, regardless.
No one ever asked me.
What I remember of my mother is how ashamed of me she always was. She failed as a mother- regardless of her other "perfect" children. We were never able to have a "normal" relationship and she was never able to accept my ADHD. She was convinced that I was mentally ill, never willing to recognize that a neuro-biological differentiation was different than a mental illness.
Strangely, she was fully accepting of my younger sister's bi-polar illness.
I never was able to make my mother proud. I never will. I was never able to be good enough for her- no matter what my achievement, I should have done better. This isn't conjecture or belated bitterness- these are words she said- and wrote to me.
When my mother died in 2008, I knew. I knew so well that I got a haircut the morning she died and told the hairdresser that I needed a trouble free haircut because I would need to go to my mother's funeral. An hour later I got the call from my sister that my mother had died.
If you have ADHD and are the first of your family to be diagnosed, life isn't going to be easy. You will fall short and will be told it's your fault. It's going to suck. It's NOT your fault. You have a neuro-biological differentiation.
If you are young enough, please direct your Mom to this blog and to http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/. Information is strength and ability.
When my mother went on her first date with my father, she was 16 and he, 17. When she came home from that date, she told my Grandmother that she was going to marry him. My Grandmother's response was that if she felt that way when she was 18, that was fine. It was 1946.
In 1948 my father and mother prepared to marry. It would be two more years before they did so- but not for trying.
In 1948 my uncle's plane- and occupants- were found and returned to the US from Japan for burial in a common grave at Jefferson Barracks in MO. My Grandparents had to travel to MO from New England for the burial of their only son. My parents put off their wedding.
In 1949, my father enlisted with the Air Force. He would be needed in Korea. A skirmish, not a war.
In July of 1950- after putting off the wedding twice, my parents were (finally) married.
My eldest sister was born in 54 but it wasn't until 61 that my elder sister was born. My mother felt like a failure because she hadn't been able to conceive for so long. What she wanted in all the world was to bring brilliant children- reflections of my father?- into the world. Not being able to conceive for all those years left a mark.
I was born in 62. From day one- according to my mother, I was different. This difference would press her to find out why I was different and to figure out how to "solve" that difference.
She had two more children- in 64 and 67. After her last, my father who wanted, "six, all girls", had to be satisfied with five.
In every birth order there are classifications. In ours- as far as I was always concerned, it was easy. Nancy was the eldest, Wendy was mommy's miracle, Janet was daddy's miracle, Marcie was the baby. I was the mistake.
I was diagnosed with MBD- Minimal Brain Dysfunction in June of 1967. I was four years old. Diagnosis was based on an EEG- a method believed to be viable for another twenty years by some sources. At the time, MBD was thought to be something that one grew out of. At best, it was considered to be incidental. Ish.
I was on Ritalin as a child. It worked. No one ever told me what I was dealing with. Many years later, I asked my eldest sister what was wrong with me. She told me that I had MBD but it was nothing to worry about, I had grown out of it, and it was a mild case, regardless.
No one ever asked me.
What I remember of my mother is how ashamed of me she always was. She failed as a mother- regardless of her other "perfect" children. We were never able to have a "normal" relationship and she was never able to accept my ADHD. She was convinced that I was mentally ill, never willing to recognize that a neuro-biological differentiation was different than a mental illness.
Strangely, she was fully accepting of my younger sister's bi-polar illness.
I never was able to make my mother proud. I never will. I was never able to be good enough for her- no matter what my achievement, I should have done better. This isn't conjecture or belated bitterness- these are words she said- and wrote to me.
When my mother died in 2008, I knew. I knew so well that I got a haircut the morning she died and told the hairdresser that I needed a trouble free haircut because I would need to go to my mother's funeral. An hour later I got the call from my sister that my mother had died.
If you have ADHD and are the first of your family to be diagnosed, life isn't going to be easy. You will fall short and will be told it's your fault. It's going to suck. It's NOT your fault. You have a neuro-biological differentiation.
If you are young enough, please direct your Mom to this blog and to http://adhdcommunity.boards.net/. Information is strength and ability.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Living With Grief- In The ADHD Perspective
I've been dancing up to this but still don't know what I can say.
When my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I went into a strange hyperdrive. Unfortunately that state didn't help much. I became obsessive about learning about his cancer- what therapies had been tried, what new therapies were being considered, why those therapies might be helpful, what the nature of his disease was and what we were reasonably facing.
Let me take a moment and be explicit. The people with the healthcare organization we were dealing with were never once willing to deal with the slice of hell we were dealing with. To be plain, my husband's diagnosis has a 99.6% death rate in the first 12 months of diagnosis. We got 13 months nearly to the day.
I was lucky enough to assume that my husband's doc was an idiot. I researched his disease instead of considering his doctor's pronouncements. In short, I learned truth to contrast the fiction I was being fed. At the same time, I was being told that the "internet" would only confuse me. Really?
At last check I am able to tell the difference between speculation and science and I don't recall needing permission to clarify this.
Unfortunately his doctors assumed that they could say what they wished and no one would question it. Except me. I questioned whenever I thought it reasonable or relevant to do so. This won me no points.
It doesn't require huge cranial skills to Google "non small cell lung cancer" and get a clear understanding of what you're up against. The love of my life was going to die and I could do nothing about it- even while his doctors were telling him he could live for years.
Thirteen months.
My research was the only reason we had direction to manage our legal affairs, or to consider how he would like to die- or where- or how. It was the basis of several discussions about what he wanted and how he wanted to be remembered. It was the foundation of trying to fill his bucket list. In truth it was the foundation of acknowledging that he HAD a bucket list.
I was there in his last days. I was there when he took his last breath. As a nurse, I had to fight the wish to try however vainly to keep him alive. As his wife, I had to fight even harder- I knew he was dying, I knew why- I would have killed for one minute more... in complete selfishness.
My wonderful husband died on 4 September 2010.
The crushing grief that I have been trying to deal with has, in it's own way, been the foundation of this blog.
When my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I went into a strange hyperdrive. Unfortunately that state didn't help much. I became obsessive about learning about his cancer- what therapies had been tried, what new therapies were being considered, why those therapies might be helpful, what the nature of his disease was and what we were reasonably facing.
Let me take a moment and be explicit. The people with the healthcare organization we were dealing with were never once willing to deal with the slice of hell we were dealing with. To be plain, my husband's diagnosis has a 99.6% death rate in the first 12 months of diagnosis. We got 13 months nearly to the day.
I was lucky enough to assume that my husband's doc was an idiot. I researched his disease instead of considering his doctor's pronouncements. In short, I learned truth to contrast the fiction I was being fed. At the same time, I was being told that the "internet" would only confuse me. Really?
At last check I am able to tell the difference between speculation and science and I don't recall needing permission to clarify this.
Unfortunately his doctors assumed that they could say what they wished and no one would question it. Except me. I questioned whenever I thought it reasonable or relevant to do so. This won me no points.
It doesn't require huge cranial skills to Google "non small cell lung cancer" and get a clear understanding of what you're up against. The love of my life was going to die and I could do nothing about it- even while his doctors were telling him he could live for years.
Thirteen months.
My research was the only reason we had direction to manage our legal affairs, or to consider how he would like to die- or where- or how. It was the basis of several discussions about what he wanted and how he wanted to be remembered. It was the foundation of trying to fill his bucket list. In truth it was the foundation of acknowledging that he HAD a bucket list.
I was there in his last days. I was there when he took his last breath. As a nurse, I had to fight the wish to try however vainly to keep him alive. As his wife, I had to fight even harder- I knew he was dying, I knew why- I would have killed for one minute more... in complete selfishness.
My wonderful husband died on 4 September 2010.
The crushing grief that I have been trying to deal with has, in it's own way, been the foundation of this blog.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Who Am I? Claiming Myself
I love opera and my absolute favorite is Les Miserables. I have it on DVD and frequently go to sleep with the beautiful music of a France in revolution and the lives of those who were a part of that undertaking.
Let me explain...
When you live with ADHD, you live a life of constant screw ups. The "polite" filter was likely never developed and you find yourself speaking your mind... only to apologize for it later. If not, you find yourself crossing out whole numbers of people because you know you screwed up and you're too embarrassed to address it.
In our current world this can bring on even greater impact. Jobs that we with ADHD can't get or keep, the "requirement" of constant apology that keeps us from even trying to be social. We hide, we refuse to proclaim our truths, our beliefs, we become small.
Well, okay. Let me tell you who I am.
I am a Catholic. I chose this religion for a variety of reasons. None of them involved my mother-in-law who is also Catholic. That said, I have been grateful to be able to discuss with her MY reasons for conversion.
I am conservative. My parents were both unashamed Republicans and it rubbed off. That said, I have been told that many of my beliefs are decidedly liberal. I wouldn't know. This might make me an Independent. That works too.
I believe that you have a right to be exactly who you are at all times and without apology. I will fight for this right. In return, I believe that I should be allowed to be who I am and without apology.
Finally, I think that if you are offended by me or my beliefs you want to be offended. My beliefs haven't hurt you nor will they unless you try to build a home in my garage.
I'm an ADHDer. I can't fix that. I can't really change many of the ways it shows. I can do my best to understand how ADHD affects me and I can develop coping strategies that are workable. At the end, I will simply be an ADHDer who has learned to function marginally in the world I live in. Like Jean ValJean, I can't change who I am.
Who am I? An ADHDer with a blog.
Let me explain...
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope, when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey on!
Who am I?
24601!
Les Miserables - Who Am I? Lyrics | MetroLyricsIt is currently a kind of requirement to insist that people toe an often invisible line. If you unwittingly cross that line, the requirement is that you apologize immediately, regardless of your values or morals. We have devalued the idea that even those who speak their truth have a right to do so.
When you live with ADHD, you live a life of constant screw ups. The "polite" filter was likely never developed and you find yourself speaking your mind... only to apologize for it later. If not, you find yourself crossing out whole numbers of people because you know you screwed up and you're too embarrassed to address it.
In our current world this can bring on even greater impact. Jobs that we with ADHD can't get or keep, the "requirement" of constant apology that keeps us from even trying to be social. We hide, we refuse to proclaim our truths, our beliefs, we become small.
Well, okay. Let me tell you who I am.
I am a Catholic. I chose this religion for a variety of reasons. None of them involved my mother-in-law who is also Catholic. That said, I have been grateful to be able to discuss with her MY reasons for conversion.
I am conservative. My parents were both unashamed Republicans and it rubbed off. That said, I have been told that many of my beliefs are decidedly liberal. I wouldn't know. This might make me an Independent. That works too.
I believe that you have a right to be exactly who you are at all times and without apology. I will fight for this right. In return, I believe that I should be allowed to be who I am and without apology.
Finally, I think that if you are offended by me or my beliefs you want to be offended. My beliefs haven't hurt you nor will they unless you try to build a home in my garage.
I'm an ADHDer. I can't fix that. I can't really change many of the ways it shows. I can do my best to understand how ADHD affects me and I can develop coping strategies that are workable. At the end, I will simply be an ADHDer who has learned to function marginally in the world I live in. Like Jean ValJean, I can't change who I am.
Who am I? An ADHDer with a blog.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
A Blessing To All Mothers
If you are an ADHDer like me, you greet the idea of Mother's Day with both expectation and doubt. Expectation because THIS year you have figured out how she wants to be honored, and doubt that you have truly nailed it.
From one ADHDer to another, simply don't go there.
Ages ago I learned that all I had to do was give her everything she wanted- within my ability to give. So simple, so difficult.
Rather than get caught up in the "sit and spin" of life, let's take a moment and value what we can of our mothers.
My lovely friend Mary remembers her mother as being a part of her heart. My mother in law remembers her mother the same way. I must join them. Our mothers shape and define us- even when we aren't looking. When we can't be with our mothers on their special Mother's Day, many of us feel lost. We yearn for our mothers.
We're normal and rational. Imagine that.
ADHDers bring more luggage to this party. Many of us feel sorrow, shame, and regret along with more. We are not- and never could be- the daughters our mothers hoped for. We fell so short of the expectation that soon we quit trying- even though our emotional self was pleading to keep trying and our logical self was pulling the brakes.
For an ADHDer, Mother's Day is more than a Hallmark Holiday, it is a gamut that must be run every year- much to our own chagrin.
This year I urge you to just take time with your Mom. I can't get to CA to place flowers on my mother's grave but I can take steps to honor her and remember her. I can take my mother in law to brunch- her request- and relish that I can still have her in my life.
From one ADHDer to another, simply don't go there.
Ages ago I learned that all I had to do was give her everything she wanted- within my ability to give. So simple, so difficult.
Rather than get caught up in the "sit and spin" of life, let's take a moment and value what we can of our mothers.
My lovely friend Mary remembers her mother as being a part of her heart. My mother in law remembers her mother the same way. I must join them. Our mothers shape and define us- even when we aren't looking. When we can't be with our mothers on their special Mother's Day, many of us feel lost. We yearn for our mothers.
We're normal and rational. Imagine that.
ADHDers bring more luggage to this party. Many of us feel sorrow, shame, and regret along with more. We are not- and never could be- the daughters our mothers hoped for. We fell so short of the expectation that soon we quit trying- even though our emotional self was pleading to keep trying and our logical self was pulling the brakes.
For an ADHDer, Mother's Day is more than a Hallmark Holiday, it is a gamut that must be run every year- much to our own chagrin.
This year I urge you to just take time with your Mom. I can't get to CA to place flowers on my mother's grave but I can take steps to honor her and remember her. I can take my mother in law to brunch- her request- and relish that I can still have her in my life.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
ADHD and Menopause? Can't a Girl Get a Break?
The answer is "No".
The fact is that if you are a woman with ADHD, menopause is coming for you. You can't run, you can't hide. It will find you.
The unfortunate truth is that peri-menopause will find you first. Peri-menopause is the biological equivalent of Ingrid Bergman's nightmare in "Gaslight" without the great costumes and porcelain skin.
Well... crap.
Getting very personal- I began menses at age nine. At that time all I knew was that my mother wanted nothing to do with my "feminine issues" and tossed it onto my eldest sister to manage. For my own part, I wanted nothing to do with what was happening to my body and wanted to believe I could wish it all away.
With little information and less direction I tried to deal with having a period at a time when most of my friends were mostly disbelieving that such a thing could happen. Like my ADHD didn't separate me enough.
At around 43 or 44 I stopped having periods. I called it progress and thought nothing of it. I had already been fighting the peri-menopause fight and assumed that full menopause had taken over. All I had to do was figure out what this new reality would bring.
So here I am at 45. My husband has been diagnosed with massive (it spread) non-small cell lung cancer. Non-small cell is ugly pervasive. He's going through chemo and that isn't pretty. I'm the caregiver and have no clue how to deal with that. All a ton of fun. Literally a year earlier my mother had died as had my aunt, and my father had begun a steady mental march downhill.
Suddenly, I had a period. After two years of nothing, I had a period. Or something.
Did you know that extreme stress can cause vaginal bleeding? Me neither. I was terrified.
If this were cancer I had no time for it. My husband was dying and I had no time for this.
I chose to put myself through the pain of finding out what in hell was going on. I needed to know- my husband was terminally ill and I had to know what I would be able to do for him.
Both my GP and GYN made sure I knew that I was ten years too young for menopause. Both my GP and GYN had to inform me that I was officially post menopausal and that my bleeding was stress induced. *sigh*
After my husband's death in 2010, I found myself in the position of trying to figure out how to go on. One of the things that confounded me was dealing with menopause.
I didn't take this on scientifically in any form or fashion I just learned a few things.
After menopause your memory goes to crap. If you have ADHD, your memory goes to crapx2. Lovely.
In my own experience, my ADHD got worse. To me, it seemed like 100 times worse. Reasonably, at the time I was dealing with a different kind of hell. Menopause had to be a second consideration.
Women with ADHD have to recognize that they are going to have to deal with disparate symptoms and probably when they least expect any of it. All I can tell you is to be clear with your docs, demand that they do appropriate tests and value that your experience is valid.
I knew a woman at the time that all my hell was going on. She had personal experience with cervical cancer- my only experience at this time was breast cancer. To my considerable surprise she basically told me to "suck it up". When I confronted her she denied that she ever went there. I have a log of the conversation.
When I tried to mend that fence, she simply refused to acknowledge me. Life is life. I refuse to acknowledge her now.
You have ADHD and are over 30? You may be beginning peri-menopause. This is a process of challenging you- body and mind- to deal with life going forward. This could get interesting.
The fact is that if you are a woman with ADHD, menopause is coming for you. You can't run, you can't hide. It will find you.
The unfortunate truth is that peri-menopause will find you first. Peri-menopause is the biological equivalent of Ingrid Bergman's nightmare in "Gaslight" without the great costumes and porcelain skin.
Well... crap.
Getting very personal- I began menses at age nine. At that time all I knew was that my mother wanted nothing to do with my "feminine issues" and tossed it onto my eldest sister to manage. For my own part, I wanted nothing to do with what was happening to my body and wanted to believe I could wish it all away.
With little information and less direction I tried to deal with having a period at a time when most of my friends were mostly disbelieving that such a thing could happen. Like my ADHD didn't separate me enough.
At around 43 or 44 I stopped having periods. I called it progress and thought nothing of it. I had already been fighting the peri-menopause fight and assumed that full menopause had taken over. All I had to do was figure out what this new reality would bring.
So here I am at 45. My husband has been diagnosed with massive (it spread) non-small cell lung cancer. Non-small cell is ugly pervasive. He's going through chemo and that isn't pretty. I'm the caregiver and have no clue how to deal with that. All a ton of fun. Literally a year earlier my mother had died as had my aunt, and my father had begun a steady mental march downhill.
Suddenly, I had a period. After two years of nothing, I had a period. Or something.
Did you know that extreme stress can cause vaginal bleeding? Me neither. I was terrified.
If this were cancer I had no time for it. My husband was dying and I had no time for this.
I chose to put myself through the pain of finding out what in hell was going on. I needed to know- my husband was terminally ill and I had to know what I would be able to do for him.
Both my GP and GYN made sure I knew that I was ten years too young for menopause. Both my GP and GYN had to inform me that I was officially post menopausal and that my bleeding was stress induced. *sigh*
After my husband's death in 2010, I found myself in the position of trying to figure out how to go on. One of the things that confounded me was dealing with menopause.
I didn't take this on scientifically in any form or fashion I just learned a few things.
After menopause your memory goes to crap. If you have ADHD, your memory goes to crapx2. Lovely.
In my own experience, my ADHD got worse. To me, it seemed like 100 times worse. Reasonably, at the time I was dealing with a different kind of hell. Menopause had to be a second consideration.
Women with ADHD have to recognize that they are going to have to deal with disparate symptoms and probably when they least expect any of it. All I can tell you is to be clear with your docs, demand that they do appropriate tests and value that your experience is valid.
I knew a woman at the time that all my hell was going on. She had personal experience with cervical cancer- my only experience at this time was breast cancer. To my considerable surprise she basically told me to "suck it up". When I confronted her she denied that she ever went there. I have a log of the conversation.
When I tried to mend that fence, she simply refused to acknowledge me. Life is life. I refuse to acknowledge her now.
You have ADHD and are over 30? You may be beginning peri-menopause. This is a process of challenging you- body and mind- to deal with life going forward. This could get interesting.
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